BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 4: Talkin' 'Bout Generation

If the last episode was about talking, then this episode is about listening. Carcetti (OK, Lord Baelish) goes for a walk with Ned Stark and shows him all of the people hired to listen in public spaces. Some of them work for the King, some work for the Queen, some are just freelance ears, and some of them listen for free for the Huffington Post for some reason. Elsewhere Lil' Katniss repeats to her father the many tips she's gleaned from listening to Cesar Milan, The Sword Whisperer. And Brother Fucker is forced to listen to King Meatsauce banging his many paramours. He laughs a lot during sex, huh? That's weird.

Tyrion Lannister returns to Winterfell to do a favor for Bonus Jonas (and also to fuck whores); he's designed a saddle that will allow him to ride horses even though his legs don't work. Is it really just because he has a soft spot for the misfit toys of this world? Or is it guilt? Either way, up by The Wall, Jon Snow is beginning to share Tyrion's supposed soft spot. He tries to protect a new recruit to the Knights of No Sex despite the fact that his boss clearly hates the kid and his friends stupidly fear him, like diabetes and cowardice are literally contagious.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy talks about dragons. I guess they're all dead? That's too bad. Dragons are rad. This chick knows what I'm talking about:

Lord Baelish gives Ned Stark a few leads regarding the death of Jon Arryn (the previous Hand who was likely murdered by the Lannisters) but Ned shrugs off his recommendation to investigate conspicuously. (You should really listen to this guy, Ned. He's from Baltimore! He know the game!) He visits an armory, where he finds...Chris from Skins! YEAH CHRIS! Oh, and in THIS SHOW, he's the King's bastard son.

Back in Dothrakiville, Draco Malfoy has had enough of all the roving warrior shit. He lashes out at his sister, who has also had enough. A lot of enough-having in the Traegaradedaen family, huh?

The tournament that Ned Stark called a needless extravagance goes forward anyway, though it looks pretty low-rent. 

Oh, and guess who gets killed in a joust? A guy who was somehow related to Jon Arryn (it wasn't really explained very well)! That probably means something about the Lannisters' plot! Or maybe not!

Finally, Lady Stark is still travelling home. She stops at a tavern, and who should show up but Tyrion Lannister! ("Oh, Lady Stark! Small world, huh? Get it? SMALL!"-Tyrion Lannister) In a move that will probably prove to be catastrophically stupid, Lady Stark decides to accuse him of Attempted Murder Of A Bonus Jonas right there, in front of everybody. We'll see how this goes, but word travels a lot faster than justice. Even in Game Of Thrones town, where everything takes like five fucking weeks to get anywhere.  Just playing, I luv u Thrones!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES ep. 3: Escape From No Future

Winter is coming, motherfuckers! We finally learn what that's about, by the way: in Game Of Thrones town, seasons and days and nights all have wildly varying lengths. Sometimes night lasts for weeks, and the current summer has lasted nearly a decade. Really shitty place to be a weatherman. Can you imagine the letters they'd get? (And what kind of weird-ass Spirograph orbit is this planet on?)

So in this relatively fuck- and violence-free episode, we see the way most of our characters deal with the vague prospect of a lousy future. Bonus Jonas, waking up to learn he'll never walk again, wishes for death. King Meatsauce seems similarly unwilling to face the future, chattering incessantly about the past instead. (There's also a lot of seemingly quippy talk about historical events, but since we don't really know about any of it we're like Perd Hapley, sitting there and going, "I don't know what that means, but it had the cadence of an insult!") Prince Ladyboy and Brother Fucker both seem inspired by the coming winter to concoct even bleaker futures: Ladyboy fantasizes about what a brutal dictator he'll be some day (and his mom adds depth and shading by telling him about all the different kinds of pussy he'll be able to get. COOL MOM!) and Brother just plans to "kill everyone" except his sister/lover. That doesn't seem super sustainable, Brother Fucker. No wonder the king doesn't let you on the City Council.

Speaking of which, Ned Stark shows up for his first day of work with Mayor Carcetti and the rest of the King's men, who breezily tell him that the crown is in huge amounts of debt to the Lannister family. Ned Stark is like "AYFKMWTS?" and Carcetti is like "LOL man W/E." ("I've got an idea for a fundraiser. Kill everyone!"-Brother Fucker) ("How much revenue do I raise by banging my sister on a weekly basis?"-Brother Fucker)

Lady Stark shows up in the capital, and it turns out that she and Carcetti are old college friends or something. He hides her in a brothel he owns (BALLER) and finds Ned, and pretty soon he's confirming for them that the sword a dude used to try and kill Bonus Jonas belonged to Tyrion Lannister. The Lannisters are kind of bad at crime, huh? "Hey anonymous assassin, can you go kill this kid? Here, take this weapon. Please bring it back from the crime scene though, as it is easily traceable back to my family!"

So it seems like Ned and Carcetti are going to try and dig up some solid evidence that Bonus Jonas was pushed. I don't know, I kind of feel like they should drop it? I mean, Bonus Jonas has no memory of what happened. The assassination attempt failed. Lady Stark hurt her hands and Bonus Jonas got a bruised sense of self-worth (oh also paralysis), but other than that everything is cool! Cut your losses and don't pick fights with incestual child murderers, Starks!

Meanwhile, up north, Tyrion himself and The Bastard (I'm finally learning that his name is Jon Snow, which is much less punchy than "The Bastard" but whatever) are both adjusting to future prospects better than most. Jon realizes that the Night's Watch isn't as glorious as he thought it would be, but decides to make the most of it. Ditto Tyrion, who takes a warning from Eagle Don Draper at least somewhat to heart and heads back to the capitol with a mind (perhaps) to address the issue of military preparedness.

Elsewhere, Lil' Katniss keeps saying she's going to kill Prince Ladyboy. Ned is like, "Don't say that," but then books her swordfighting lessons with Cesar Milan. MIXED MESSAGES, NED. Nah, but he seems like a mostly good dad. And Daenerys seems to be settling into her role as Khaleesi. She's speaking the language, she's showing her brother who is boss, and she seems to be on good terms with her husband. And then a slave girl feels her up and Dany's like, "Yo what?" and the slave girl is like "You pregnant." And that Last Of The Mohicans guy is like, "I have to go and do a thing, I'll catch up with you guys later." What's he doing? Getting Dany a Plan B pill?

Again, thanks in advance for forcing this series down your friends' throats via Facebook and the like. Earlier this week I made a video about Karen Klein, the bus lady who is super rich for some fucking reason now. I also got to post some exclusive documents obtained from Cat Marnell. JULIAN ASSANGE AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME. Wait, Julian Assange emails people and asks for their documents and they give them to him willingly, right? Is that how Wikileaks works?

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 2: Six Hundred Pounds Of Sin

Hey y'all: please tell the GoT fans in your life about this series! Send them right here to this post! In fact, if you click this link it'll set up a tweet for you and you just have to click send. FREE OF CHARGE! Amazing, right? I want to thank Trev0rj, at the outset here, for getting me to finally watch Game Of Thrones, because I forgot to thank him last time. This series is dedicated to his honor, may he rest in peace (once he dies, in many many years). ANYWAY:

I never would have guessed that so much of this show would revolve around animal rights! But yeah, in the capital, Ned Stark and the Lannisters have pretty firmly divided themselves along those lines. (The Queen wants to be able to kill dogs and also fuck her brother in peace. Maybe she should think about moving to Missouri?)

So Bonus Jonas lies comatose in Winterfell, and pretty soon it’s only Mrs. Stark (I still don’t know what her first name is. Pepper Potts?) taking care of him. Ned has moved his daughters South, and Moody McMooderson has taken a job patrolling the ice wall. I guess you have to be celibate to work there, by the way? (“Unless they learn to forget all thought of sex, the men cut holes in the ice and fuck the wall. And I’ve lost too many men to dick frostbite.”-Ned Stark’s brother, who looks like Don Draper fucked an eagle by the way). Children’s author Miles Finch accompanies the new recruits to the wall, mostly to mock them over how much pussy he’s going to get while they’re freezing to death and getting murdered by the Predator monster.  And also to have the second of two badass speeches: In the last episode he reminded El Bastardo to “never forget what you are,” and today he schools him on the importance of book learning. I love this guy!

Back in Winterfell, in a pretty gnarly scene, Mrs. Stark manages to fend off a man who has been sent to kill Bonus Jonas. She gets an assist from one of the dire wolves, sure, but still: lady grabs a sword's blade with her bare hands! Respect. And then she begins to wonder if her son really just “fell” off the castle wall. Sherlock it up, Lady Stark! Fuck yeah!

Meanwhile, Daenerys is doing kegels but wondering if there are other ways to make sex a less painful and degrading experience. The Dothraki only know the most degrading, painful positions, you see (Their Kama Sutra is the Army Field Manual). Good thing one of her slaves is a former teen prostitute (talk about a lateral promotion)! 

Slave girl all too eagerly accepts the task of instructing Dany in the ways of cowboy-style love (in a very hands on kind of way!). And while she grinds up on her she praises some sexy lady she heard about who could fuck really well but swore off all men. Hmmm! Later, Dany tries out her new sex tricks (well, really just the one) on her husband, WWE's The Undertaker, and he seems mildly impressed. I think! He's not big on facial expressions, that one. 

Back at the capitol, Ned Stark's eldest, dumbest, lamest daughter is trying to get herself married off to Prince Ladyboy Lannister, who is a little bitch of the highest order. They go for a walk and Ladyboy picks on Lil' Katniss's ginger friend (we'll call him Lil' Peeta), and then on Lil' Katniss herself.

BAD IDEA PRINCEY! (I mean just look at that killable face!) But Ladyboy escapes with only a dire wolf bite (the wolf is dire, the bite is just a scratch!) and runs home to Queen Eyebrow, and then Ned Stark realizes what a hostile environment he's traded up into (Contrast the earlier scene in which Ned and the King swap pussy stories to this last one, specifically the way the King coldly walks out of the room after ordering the pet wolf's execution at his wife's behest. [WHIPPING SOUND!] [WHIPPING SOUND!] Bros before Eyebro(w)s, King Meatsauce!). Lil' Katniss was smart enough to pull a Buckbeak with her wolf after the attack, but the elder daughter's wolf is still kicking around the castle. So Ned Stark, who has a half-noble and half-narcissistic view on the subject of royally-ordered executions, goes and finds it. And then "In The Arms Of The Angels" starts playing. You see what happens, Ned Stark's older, lamer daughter? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK AROUND WITH LADYBOY LANNISTER?

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 1: O Brother Why Art Thou?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good fortune must be fucking his sister. No, that’s a terrible way to start. Call me Ishmael Stark. First lines are tricky. A screaming comes across the sky. Daenerys, light of my life, fire of my loins! Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own vaguely incestual way. For a long time, I went to bed with my sister early. Anyway, this is Blogging Game Of Thrones, a series in which we will watch and discuss the popular HBO fantasy series. I’m your host, Zac Little, and my stance toward incest is that I’m against it!

So at the top of the Risk board on which this show takes place (I’m taking the title sequence literally, as one always should) is a wall of ice. And in the opening scene, we learn that behind that wall of ice are the Predator alien and the girl from The Ring. They make short work of two of the slack-jawed knight-yokels (seriously, what a bunch of derp faces!) that manage to find them, but a third (somehow) escapes. He runs back to the kingdom to warn everyone, and is promptly beheaded as a deserter. MADNESS? THIS IS GAME OF THRONES!

For most of the rest of this introductory episode, we’re jumping around the kingdom meeting people and gauging the relationships between them. At first everybody seems nice, and like they care about each other! The King is a cheerful dude! Lots of people seem to be getting laid! But as it turns out, things are afoot. Such as intrigue!

But yeah, let me introduce some folks to you. (This is important! I mean, if you don’t know whose brother normally fucks whose sister, you’ll be totally lost when they change the game up).

Ned Stark (Sean Bean) is just trying to be a good dude. He runs Winterfell (which I imagine is some kind of Santa’s Village-type amusement park in the snowy months. That’s why everyone seems to be looking forward to winter, right?) with a tough but caring hand. He imparts stern, gory wisdom on his sons (three normals and a real moody bastard son. Why so moody, bastard?), but also lets them have dire wolves as pets (So cool!). He's a good friend to the King. He even humors his wife when she seems to think she has a say in his career decisions! (Game Of Thrones Town is not a good one for women’s rights. It’s only marginally better than South Dakota over there.) I like him. But yeah, fate comes a-calling to take him away from his home. I’m sorry, I meant “fat” comes a-calling. The King is on the chubby side, get it? And Ned Stark finds himself drafted as His new “hand.” He doesn’t have to do EVERYTHING the King’s hand does, does he?

Again, the King seems like a decent guy, and I guess his first wife and true love was Ned Stark’s sister. But she died, and with true love out of the way the King got himself some crazypussy. What up, Lannisters?

Elsewhere, Daenerys Targaryen (really looking forward to typing these names a lot!) and her brother Draco seem to be exiled from the kingdom. So they entertain themselves by getting naked in front of each other. Beats Monopoly!

Nah, but Draco’s talking a lot of smack about getting his rightful throne and has decided the best way to do that is to marry his sister off to a gang of barbarians. You can’t buy class, but you can buy yourself an army of Dothraki! (They’re basically like the graduating class of Durmstrang.) Draco has the best line of the episode, when he earnestly tells his sister that he’d let the entire Dothraki army fuck her, “all 40,000 men and their horses,” if that is what it took to regain power from the current King. Points for honesty, and imagination!

Daenerys isn’t so pumped about her potentially horse-cock-filled future, but what can you do? When she tries to say that she’s not just a pair of tits, everybody’s like “Hahaha good one. Now get your tits out.”

There’s a charming ceremony that (probably?) makes an honest woman out of her and (probably?) makes her brother a general, and at the end of the episode we see her getting fucked by her new hubby, Goro from Mortal Kombat, on top of a pile of rocks. Ah, newlyweds!

Back in Winterfell, Ned readies himself to go to work for the King despite knowledge that the Lannisters may be out to kill him. And when Bonus Jonas stumbles upon Queen Eyebrows getting banged by her brother, Bonus Jonas gets himself shoved out a window. NOOOOO BONUS JONAS!

So yeah. Boobs, blood, and child murder. This show has everything! Thoughts?