BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E2: Keep Westeros Weird

So where were we? Bad news red comet in the sky, bad news redhead on the ground. That's about it, right? We pick up with Lil' Katniss, who is still on whatever the opposite of the Yellow Brick Road is when the King's Bastard Killing Party catches up with her chain gang. Katniss blows her cover with Chris From Skins, but it turns out he already knew she was a chick anyway, and then of course it turns out they're looking for him. Luckily there's a certain honor amongst thieves (except for the dudes they keep in a cage for some reason) and so the King's Men go home with neither Chris nor Katniss. And a wonderful friendship continues to be born. These two! I love them! When Chris finds out that Katniss is a Stark, he's flustered by his weeks of impropriety. And when he sees how much that annoys Katniss, he does it even more. Awwww! I just want to watch them josh each other around for a full hour. Especially because, like, not much else is going on.

The Night's Watchmen are still hanging out at Incest Palace, and Samwise Gangrene tells Jon Snow that Cassie From Skins (her character name is, I think, Gilly. But no.) is pregnant. Jon Snow is, rather rightly, like, "So the fuck what?" But it turns out she's scared of what will happen (to herself, or maybe her child?) if she gives birth to a boy. So maybe Jon's line from last time about "What does he do with the boys?" is not a Sandusky joke, after all!

Elsewhere, Baldy McNodick turns up in Tyrion's quarters, chatting with Lisbeth Salander. And of course nobody is supposed to know she's there against Tywin's wishes. McNodick does his Evil Perez Hilton act for a few minutes, threatening to go public with this information, until Tyrion has to be like, "Dude, I'll fucking kill you." So that is maybe that. I hope that is that! I want Tyrion to be happy! And why doesn't the Eunuch have Tyrion's same fondness for fellow weirdos? You two weirdos should be on the same team!

Speaking of our main man, he tries to persuade Queen "Assistant (To The) Regional King" Cersei to take the threat of zombies above the ice wall seriously, and she's like, "That is silly." And to be fair, it is. But obviously Tyrion will be vindicated on this one. (Politically, Game Of Thrones is a little tough to deal with today. Nobody offers Cassie an exception for her incest baby, mysticism is good military strategy...and this from a show that put George Bush's head on a spike?)

Something happens with Dany and her dragons, but like, I don't even remember what. They're still in the desert and screwed, OK? Give me a break. It was like two weeks ago when I watched this episode, and also her scene is immediately followed by a RANDOM SEX MONTAGE.

In the whorehouse, Original Redhead is still super bummed about watching that baby get stabbed last week. Totally normal reaction, I'd say, but she's letting it interfere with her work, so Littlefinger has to be a dick to her. It's not fun. Remember that scene in The Sopranos when Silvio Dante was so mean to that Hilary Swank-looking stripper? Like, it's a drag to see your favorite characters be such jerks, but then you remember you mostly like them for the other, but different, jerky things they do.

A few other things happened (OK, I guess A LOT of things happened, but none of them felt very important):

Tyrion fires the police chief and appoints Bro in his stead. Bro is just like "Yup." CLASSIC BRO.

Some dudes representing Stannis hire a kind of fun-seeming pirate dude. You seem like you'll be a cool character, dude!

Theon visits his old home, and his family reunion is not as warm as he thought it would be. Well, I mean it is--he gets a ride from a girl and fingers her and then she's like "SURPRISE, I'M YOUR SISTER"--but that's a different kind of warm reception. Ew. And then his dad is just like, "fuck you, son." (Not in the same way, though.)

Finally, Stannis is chatting with Bad News Redhead and she's like, "Fuck me" (in the first way). And he's like "I have a wife." And we're like "You do?" And then he fucks her, on a map. Symbolic probably, right? There's a few other omens and portents and stuff in this episode, but you know, let's analyze it later and spend the week writing Lil' Katniss/Chris From Skins comic strips, OK?

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E1: Walk Like An Egyptian

[PREVIOUSLY] Season two, motherfuckers! Winter is still coming! And if you maybe needed another ominous portent, there's a big red asteroid streak in the sky now. Bonus Jonas's friend My Fair Lady thinks it signals dragons. I think it means one of our characters is about to find a bunch of cheap California wine.

I expected a gap in time, which is more or less the standard for Premium Cable Serious Dramas Featuring Strong Antihero Leads, but the action in season 2 picks up right where we ended. King Ladyboy is settling into his throne, celebrating his "Name Day" with a bit of the old ultra-violence. It's pretty fun.

Then, just as Ladyboy is gleefully razdrazzing some poogly naz, Tyrion returns in all of his baller glory to bring the good/bad news that he'll be serving as Substitute Hand Of The King. Queen Eyebrow is livid, Zac is ecstatic. (I would be remiss if I didn't note one of Tyrion's best bon-mots to date. To his sister: "You love your children. It's your one redeeming quality...that, and your cheekbones."

Speaking of cheekbones, Dany Of The Dragons is lost in the desert, starving and feeling self-conscious about the promises she made to her new followers during the orgasmic rush of the whole dragon-fire-birth thing. She went and talked like Moses, and now she has to walk like him too. And then her Horse With No Name dies. Man, she's really putting the "drag" in dragon right now, huh?

Elsewhere, Jon Snow and his merry men stop for a while to tarry in another house built on generations of daughter-fucking. But unlike Filch, this Anthony Hopkins-looking dude is living way out beyond the ice wall. So he must be doing some especially fucked up shit to his daughters. One of whom is Cassie from Skins! Hey Cassie! Sorry about your current situation!

Then we meet a new character, Stannis Meatsauce, former brother of the King and current party to the War Of All Against All. He's got a redheaded chick on his side who is doing some Satan-worship shit on his behalf, which upsets a few of his men. But Stannis is like "I'm pretty sure the Old Gods are OK with me riding this out to see if the carpet matches the drapes." So she finishes the ceremony and only like one dude commits suicide in protest so I'm pretty sure it'll work out fine for ol' Stannis.

And Rob Start's got Jamie Lannister in an Apocalypse Now-type prison, where he finally confronts him about all that incest and attempted child murder. Jamie Lannister is like "Yes. Everybody else has known this forever." And Rob Stark is like "I just had to catch people up in case they were just tuning in for the first time." It is fun to watch them bitch at each other, though. The exposition ups and downs continue from there, with Tyrion (awesomely, typically) telling his new lady about the "good liars, bad liars, [and] one or two great liars" that make up the population of King's Landing. I love these two. But then Littlefinger and Queen Eyebrow have about as direct an exchange of thematic concepts as two people could ever have. Actual dialog: "Knowledge is power." "Power is power." So OK, that's where we are there.

Finally: I guess because Stannis has been putting the word out,* Ladyboy now knows of the rumors that he was not a product of King Meatsauce's reliably brunette sperm. He confronts his mother about it, who fails to adequately reassure him. So he, or maybe she, or maybe a backpedalling Carcetti, orders  all of the bastard children of the (prolific) former king hunted down and murdered. Did you ever think you'd see a baby get stabbed in a brothel? I sure didn't! I never even thought I'd get to write those words in a sentence! Hahaha, "get to." Also, isn't it terrible that I saw this as a pretty reasonable reaction on Joffrey's part? I mean, in context! The last bastard standing turns out to be Chris from Skins, who we see being all Huck Finn and shit with Lil' Katniss. Good luck, you two! Seriously!

(*I'm kind of sad we didn't get a Wire-style scene in which Ladyboy freaks out that anyone's been allowing gossip about him on the streets. YOUR NAME IS YOUR NAME! Get a little more Marlo and I'll start to respect you, Joffrey.)