BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E06: Chaos Is A Ladder, Love Is A Rope

Recently I heard somebody talking about the essence of the modern GOP strategy: faced with a crushing defeat in 2008, they were so at a loss as to what to do that the only option was to just act like they'd won. It worked, mostly, and it reminds me a little of what Melisandre is up to in this episode. I mean, lady just marches into the Doctors Without Borders camp and takes Gendry for a couple bags of money. What? Who do you think you are, Melisandre?

Thoros (who is Red Priest just like her, if that wasn't clear before now), who has just demonstrated his theological superiority, doesn't say a damn thing. Gendry JUST pledged to your frat, bro. At least ask her a few questions, and then maybe you'll realize she's the one who just got her red ass handed to her by Tyrion Lannister on Blackwater Bay. With a buttload of FIRE, no less. RED FLAG, RED PRIEST! She is not a winner, Thoros. Gendry is a winner! You shoulda done right by him, you knockoff Robinhood motherfucker.

***

ANYWAY, yeah, that is one of the things that happens in this episode. The Red Lady kidnaps Gendry because Baratheon blood flows through his veins, and she needs to blood dope Stannis to get him back up to shadow-baby-conceiving condition. I mean, that is probably what is going to happen. But strictly speaking, none of this is in the book. So who knows what the fuck is going on really.

Elsewhere: Jon Snow and Ygritte take a nerve-jangling climb to the top of the wall. After an avalanche of sorts leaves them hanging in mid-air, Gareth from The Office (the UK Office, that is, so, The Ouffice) makes the tough decision (very quickly, I might add!) to cut 'em loose. But Jon gets a handhold at the last minute and he and his lady pull themselves up and survive. So, like, shit's going to be awkward between them and Gareth now, huh? Yikes. When they get to the top, there is honestly a very beautiful and tender moment between our lovers. Like, that Collective Soul song would almost work, unironically, under that scene. How much do you love Ygritte's Jon Snow impression, by the way?

In King's Landing, everybody is having awkward conversations. Tywin and Lady Olenna (two heavyweights of verbal gymnastics) spar over the plan to wed Cercei to Knight One Direction. She plays the "old" card, he plays the "gay" card, she plays the "incest card." This is going to be a fun wedding! Elsewhere, Tyrion steels himself for the task of dashing Sansa's hopes and dreams--I mean what few she had left--to fucking dust. I really liked seeing Tyrion and Cercei having another moment of detente, as they contemplated their collectively sorry fate. Those moments are rare, but always interesting and very well-acted.

***

There's also a FOURTH wedding being planned (The first three being Cercei/Loras, Tyrion/Sansa, and Joffrey/Margery for those keeping score at home) but don't even for a second think this is shaping up to be a bunch of goofy Shakespearean merriment. If that were the case, Roz would still be lingering on the sidelines of the action, offering witty commentary, instead of where she ends up in this episode--tied to a bedpost and pumped full of arrows (thanks to Littlefinger's new side-business as a Dexter's Dad). RIP, Roz. The Ann Perkins of Westeros is no more. Anyway, Wedding #4: Cat's brother, Ugly Ryan Reynolds, gets promised off to another of Walder Frey's kids in the do-over version of the last treaty, thus keeping Robb's Coalition Of The Northern Willing together. Robb once again laments that for all this success in battle, everything seems to ride on who is having lawful sex with whom.

But isn't that kind of a beautiful thing, in a way? I love when Ygritte explains to Jon the point of all her teasing: he's focused on war and loyalty when he should be focused on sex and love. All the other shit is extraneous. War and loyalty are the only things Starks understand, and that's why nothing ever goes their way. They gotta get with the times; out with the ice and in with the fire!

Of course, Ygritte's speech takes second place to Littlefinger's final monologue about chaos and power. It's a terrifying thing to glimpse the depths of that guy's evil cunning; even Varys seems taken aback, and he keeps a mutilated priest in a box! When you make that guy blush, you know you're throne gaming it with the best of them.

Oh, and of course there is another elliptical Theon scene in which Asshole Hobbit reveals new information only to walk it back yet again, leaving Theon in exactly the same spot he has been in all season, give or take a finger. What the fuck is this shit, guys? Why include such a deliberately antagonizing plotline? When the DVD comes out, I hope there is a Twilight-esque special feature where you can watch the episodes with the Theon stuff edited out. Shit, that is a good idea. Somebody get David Benioff on the phone! (I just googled him to make sure I spelled his name right. Did you know he's married to Amanda Peet?)

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E05: Married...With "Children"

As if inspired by last week's scorched-earth conclusion, this week's episode gets wild right from the start. In the first 15 minutes we get death, resurrection, Ygritte's tits, and a grisly view of Jamie's stump. That's what I'm talking about, y'all! Welcome back to fuckin' Westeros!

The Hound is given his day in court, which as we learned back in season 1, usually just consists of a fight to the death. Yes, it is imperfect, but think how much citizens of Westeros save on legal fees! And despite Beric Dondarrion's dick move of setting his sword on fire (that's just so tacky, Beric) the Hound manages to cut him practically in half and wins his freedom. But he leaves pretty spooked, as Beric Notdeadagain rises to his feet a few minutes later, doing his signature little side-nod and smirk--the universal signal for "THAT SHIT JUST HAPPENED." 

Later, Gendry concludes that the Brotherhood is sufficiently badass for his badass self to join, and Arya, soon to be ransomed back to her mother and Robb, feels abandoned yet again. I feel for you Arya, and I hope that we get to see Gendry in future episodes, but dude has a point. I mean, if you get cut in half, the Brotherhood has a dude who can fix you! You gotta get with that program if they'll let you, that's just obvious.

Up above the wall, Ygritte playfully grabs Jon's sword (not one for subtle gestures, that girl) and he chases her into a wet cave (yeah, the symbolism here is pretty stark) where they finally get their fuck on. I was weirdly happy for Jon Snow. Get some, my brother! Show her how they do it Southern style!

Jamie and Brienne are delivered to Roose Bolton, who shows disdain for the handmade necklace his men have given Jamie (heh) but needlessly fucks with our boy only moments later, letting him believe briefly that Stannis successfully took King's Landing while he was captive. Seriously, what was that shit? Last week Mad Men made a 30 Rock reference--is Game Of Thrones doing Arrested Development now?

Meanwhile, everybody in Robb's camp apparently spent last week getting sexy makeovers. What up, Robb, with that open collar! Looking good, man. What up, Lady Cat, with your hair all down? Grief agrees with you, my lady. Looking significantly less sexy is Lord Karstark, the one who has had a murderboner for like two straight seasons now. When he and his compatriots kill two Lannister children Robb is holding captive at Riverrun, Robb executes him, despite the (correct, as it turns out) council from his wife and advisors that to do so will cost him the rest of the Karstark bannermen. Like father, like son, generally unwilling to play the game. The stubborn apple doesn't fall far from the stubborn tree--and why would it? But later, Robb is seized with inspiration. He'll make up with Walder Frey (one of like a dozen people he has grievously offended so far) and attack the Lannister HQ, Casterly Rock. Well, that's as good a plan as any, I guess!

In King's Landing, everybody hears about the Tyrell plan to wed Sansa to Knight One Direction like, right away (I kinda felt bad for Loras--his sexy new boyfriend is a spy!). And if you were throwing up your hands at all the sixth-amendment-shattering battles to the death earlier in this episode, it must really grind your gears to realize that whoever breaks Sansa's hymen first gets to control Winterfell. And thus The Race To Fuck Sansa begins! Tywin orders Tyrion to marry her instead, a plan that Cercei (and Zac, morbidly) finds delightful. But who will marry Loras?! Turns out ol Tywin has a plan for that too! Batter up, Queen Eyebrow!

The weirdest scenes of this episode give us a glimpse into Stannis's domestic life. It's weird. Like, even weirder than you probably guessed. His wife and deformed daughter (I don't get it--was like, Stannis's grandfather a gargoyle?) live in a creepy tower with the bodies of his miscarried sons in pickle jars. It's some Mütter Museum shit.

Mrs. Stannis tells him that she knows he banged the Red Lady, and she thinks it is just great (she's a big time Holy R'hllor, as it happens). I want to see these scenes with like, a sitcom laugh track. Anyway, his daughter starts sneaking down to the dungeon to hang out with John Swanson, and Stannis goes to his garage to work on his Mustang or something.

Blogging Game Of Thrones, S3E04: Illest Motherfucker Alive

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E03: Hand To God

First of all, I want to give a hand to The Hold Steady--their rendition of "The Bear And The Maiden Fair" closes out this episode with a blast of bravado, bringing Game Of Thrones to Mad Men-like levels of swagger. This show knows how good it is, and that is always an exhilarating thing to watch. This is some DONDA shit, and I love it.

And--not suggest anything too meta, but--that awareness of greatness is trickling down into a few characters as well. In Riverrun, where Robb, Cat, and a few significant-seeming relatives thereof are gathered to give Cat's dad a viking funeral, Robb is in full effect. He's chuckling at Ugly Ryan Reynolds, who can't shoot a fire arrow straight, and then he's laying down the law to the same jabroni (I think he's Cat's brother), who presumes to know more about military strategy than Robb. You don't doubt the Young Wolf, Ugly Ryan Reynolds! He's the motherfucking King In The North!

In Astapor, Dany is finding it hard to be humble as well. While Last Of The Mohicans and new staffer Ser Barista Selfie banter to and fro about whether or not it is wise to buy a slave army (standing at opposite shoulders, angel-and-demon style), our girl D is calm as hell and barely listening. She goes to the head slaveseller Dennis Feinstein and makes a baller offer: one of her dragons for 10,000 or so Unsullied eunuch soldiers. Her advisors predictably lose their shit, and she tells them to shut the fuck up. Trust Khaleesi, y'all. That's all I'm gonna say. Trust Khaleesi.

And in this episode's third swaggerific sequence, Tyrion hooks up his squire Podrick with three whores and a bag of gold as a reward for saving his life last season. When Podrick returns from the brothel with the gold sack undrained, Tyrion and Bronn are hysterically forced to confront the revelation that Podrick is apparently an expert lover. Prostitutes literally won't take his money! Podrick Payne: Fuck Jedi. (House Payne: Winter Is Cumming) "We're going to need details," Tyrion says, pulling up a chair.

Other big stuff: Tywin appoints Tyrion as the new Master Of Coin, because Littlefinger is leaving town to propose marriage to Cat's crazy sister Lysa. Good luck with that shit, Littlefinger.

Whether this has any impact on his promises to rescue Sansa remains to be seen. Anyway, Tyrion's new gig supplies the episode's nebulous topical touchstone: the economy, stupid! Tyrion explains the nature of foreign debt to Bronn--it's bad, see. A little reductive, but maybe I'm wrong to be looking for serious policy discussions in Game of Thrones.

Above the wall, Jon Snow and a few others get a special mission from Mance Rayder: climb the wall. Oh, sure thing, Mance! It's only 700 feet of sheer ice, I'll just shimmy right the fuck up! Somewhere else above the wall, the surviving members of the Night's Watch return to Daughter Fucker's house. And guess who is giving birth when they get there? Cassie from Skins! Yay! Congrats, Cassie! It's a boy! Oh, shit. That's not good. (P.S. Between this show and the movie Friends With Kids, this is the second time in as many days that I have been confronted with baby penises on my TV screen. Enough is enough! And was Cassie's anguished braying tough to listen to or what? From the other room my wife asked me if something was wrong with our cat. I was wearing headphones.)

So: any theories on what the deal is with Theon? Has he time-jumped or something? This week, he is freed from his torture rack by a mysterious young man who reminds him that winter is coming. Is that Future-Rickon or Future-Brann helping him out, mayhaps? Or is that totally insane? I suspect it is, but--and I don't think it is a spoiler to say this--I am well beyond what will be the end of Season 3 in A Storm Of Swords, and none of this Theon shit is in there at all. I am as in the dark as the rest of you.

Not much else to note about this episode. It had a lot of comedic business in there! Also, I was weirdly moved watching Gendry say goodbye to Hot Pie. What a great scene! Joe Dempsie is wonderful. This series better end with Gendry somehow ending up King (Jesus, don't tell me in the comments if that really happens at some point. I'm finishing up ASOS right now and ALL BETS ARE THE FUCK OFF). Oh yeah. One more thing:

Sorry, I couldn't help tipping my hand (a few times) last week. So, what happens is, Jamie and Brienne are captives to some weirdos vaguely associated with the North (it's hard to suss out exactly which new characters are on which side, because none of them are really on ANYBODY's side--a point that I think is not sufficiently driven home by the show just yet) and Jamie makes one of his trademark rhetorical plays for freedom. And just when it seems like he's talked his way out of his chains, Django-style, some asshole chops off his hand. Holy shit! It is wonderfully sudden and suitably gross. (I bet that hand-chopping dude is kicking himself for having such a lame line when he did it, though. "PERHAPS THIS WILL HELP YOU REMEMBER!" -Why would that help him remember? Remember what? I guess I shouldn't expect a lot of coherence from a guy who cuts off hands.) I don't know how to feel about it, though. In some weird way I am sympathetic to Jamie. He's such a fuckwad, but he's a charming fuckwad, you know? And by now he's OUR fuckwad. Maybe the missing hand will make him more endearing. Especially if he replaces it with a hook!