BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 2: Six Hundred Pounds Of Sin

Hey y'all: please tell the GoT fans in your life about this series! Send them right here to this post! In fact, if you click this link it'll set up a tweet for you and you just have to click send. FREE OF CHARGE! Amazing, right? I want to thank Trev0rj, at the outset here, for getting me to finally watch Game Of Thrones, because I forgot to thank him last time. This series is dedicated to his honor, may he rest in peace (once he dies, in many many years). ANYWAY:

I never would have guessed that so much of this show would revolve around animal rights! But yeah, in the capital, Ned Stark and the Lannisters have pretty firmly divided themselves along those lines. (The Queen wants to be able to kill dogs and also fuck her brother in peace. Maybe she should think about moving to Missouri?)

So Bonus Jonas lies comatose in Winterfell, and pretty soon it’s only Mrs. Stark (I still don’t know what her first name is. Pepper Potts?) taking care of him. Ned has moved his daughters South, and Moody McMooderson has taken a job patrolling the ice wall. I guess you have to be celibate to work there, by the way? (“Unless they learn to forget all thought of sex, the men cut holes in the ice and fuck the wall. And I’ve lost too many men to dick frostbite.”-Ned Stark’s brother, who looks like Don Draper fucked an eagle by the way). Children’s author Miles Finch accompanies the new recruits to the wall, mostly to mock them over how much pussy he’s going to get while they’re freezing to death and getting murdered by the Predator monster.  And also to have the second of two badass speeches: In the last episode he reminded El Bastardo to “never forget what you are,” and today he schools him on the importance of book learning. I love this guy!

Back in Winterfell, in a pretty gnarly scene, Mrs. Stark manages to fend off a man who has been sent to kill Bonus Jonas. She gets an assist from one of the dire wolves, sure, but still: lady grabs a sword's blade with her bare hands! Respect. And then she begins to wonder if her son really just “fell” off the castle wall. Sherlock it up, Lady Stark! Fuck yeah!

Meanwhile, Daenerys is doing kegels but wondering if there are other ways to make sex a less painful and degrading experience. The Dothraki only know the most degrading, painful positions, you see (Their Kama Sutra is the Army Field Manual). Good thing one of her slaves is a former teen prostitute (talk about a lateral promotion)! 

Slave girl all too eagerly accepts the task of instructing Dany in the ways of cowboy-style love (in a very hands on kind of way!). And while she grinds up on her she praises some sexy lady she heard about who could fuck really well but swore off all men. Hmmm! Later, Dany tries out her new sex tricks (well, really just the one) on her husband, WWE's The Undertaker, and he seems mildly impressed. I think! He's not big on facial expressions, that one. 

Back at the capitol, Ned Stark's eldest, dumbest, lamest daughter is trying to get herself married off to Prince Ladyboy Lannister, who is a little bitch of the highest order. They go for a walk and Ladyboy picks on Lil' Katniss's ginger friend (we'll call him Lil' Peeta), and then on Lil' Katniss herself.

BAD IDEA PRINCEY! (I mean just look at that killable face!) But Ladyboy escapes with only a dire wolf bite (the wolf is dire, the bite is just a scratch!) and runs home to Queen Eyebrow, and then Ned Stark realizes what a hostile environment he's traded up into (Contrast the earlier scene in which Ned and the King swap pussy stories to this last one, specifically the way the King coldly walks out of the room after ordering the pet wolf's execution at his wife's behest. [WHIPPING SOUND!] [WHIPPING SOUND!] Bros before Eyebro(w)s, King Meatsauce!). Lil' Katniss was smart enough to pull a Buckbeak with her wolf after the attack, but the elder daughter's wolf is still kicking around the castle. So Ned Stark, who has a half-noble and half-narcissistic view on the subject of royally-ordered executions, goes and finds it. And then "In The Arms Of The Angels" starts playing. You see what happens, Ned Stark's older, lamer daughter? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK AROUND WITH LADYBOY LANNISTER?