BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES ep. 3: Escape From No Future

Winter is coming, motherfuckers! We finally learn what that's about, by the way: in Game Of Thrones town, seasons and days and nights all have wildly varying lengths. Sometimes night lasts for weeks, and the current summer has lasted nearly a decade. Really shitty place to be a weatherman. Can you imagine the letters they'd get? (And what kind of weird-ass Spirograph orbit is this planet on?)

So in this relatively fuck- and violence-free episode, we see the way most of our characters deal with the vague prospect of a lousy future. Bonus Jonas, waking up to learn he'll never walk again, wishes for death. King Meatsauce seems similarly unwilling to face the future, chattering incessantly about the past instead. (There's also a lot of seemingly quippy talk about historical events, but since we don't really know about any of it we're like Perd Hapley, sitting there and going, "I don't know what that means, but it had the cadence of an insult!") Prince Ladyboy and Brother Fucker both seem inspired by the coming winter to concoct even bleaker futures: Ladyboy fantasizes about what a brutal dictator he'll be some day (and his mom adds depth and shading by telling him about all the different kinds of pussy he'll be able to get. COOL MOM!) and Brother just plans to "kill everyone" except his sister/lover. That doesn't seem super sustainable, Brother Fucker. No wonder the king doesn't let you on the City Council.

Speaking of which, Ned Stark shows up for his first day of work with Mayor Carcetti and the rest of the King's men, who breezily tell him that the crown is in huge amounts of debt to the Lannister family. Ned Stark is like "AYFKMWTS?" and Carcetti is like "LOL man W/E." ("I've got an idea for a fundraiser. Kill everyone!"-Brother Fucker) ("How much revenue do I raise by banging my sister on a weekly basis?"-Brother Fucker)

Lady Stark shows up in the capital, and it turns out that she and Carcetti are old college friends or something. He hides her in a brothel he owns (BALLER) and finds Ned, and pretty soon he's confirming for them that the sword a dude used to try and kill Bonus Jonas belonged to Tyrion Lannister. The Lannisters are kind of bad at crime, huh? "Hey anonymous assassin, can you go kill this kid? Here, take this weapon. Please bring it back from the crime scene though, as it is easily traceable back to my family!"

So it seems like Ned and Carcetti are going to try and dig up some solid evidence that Bonus Jonas was pushed. I don't know, I kind of feel like they should drop it? I mean, Bonus Jonas has no memory of what happened. The assassination attempt failed. Lady Stark hurt her hands and Bonus Jonas got a bruised sense of self-worth (oh also paralysis), but other than that everything is cool! Cut your losses and don't pick fights with incestual child murderers, Starks!

Meanwhile, up north, Tyrion himself and The Bastard (I'm finally learning that his name is Jon Snow, which is much less punchy than "The Bastard" but whatever) are both adjusting to future prospects better than most. Jon realizes that the Night's Watch isn't as glorious as he thought it would be, but decides to make the most of it. Ditto Tyrion, who takes a warning from Eagle Don Draper at least somewhat to heart and heads back to the capitol with a mind (perhaps) to address the issue of military preparedness.

Elsewhere, Lil' Katniss keeps saying she's going to kill Prince Ladyboy. Ned is like, "Don't say that," but then books her swordfighting lessons with Cesar Milan. MIXED MESSAGES, NED. Nah, but he seems like a mostly good dad. And Daenerys seems to be settling into her role as Khaleesi. She's speaking the language, she's showing her brother who is boss, and she seems to be on good terms with her husband. And then a slave girl feels her up and Dany's like, "Yo what?" and the slave girl is like "You pregnant." And that Last Of The Mohicans guy is like, "I have to go and do a thing, I'll catch up with you guys later." What's he doing? Getting Dany a Plan B pill?

Again, thanks in advance for forcing this series down your friends' throats via Facebook and the like. Earlier this week I made a video about Karen Klein, the bus lady who is super rich for some fucking reason now. I also got to post some exclusive documents obtained from Cat Marnell. JULIAN ASSANGE AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME. Wait, Julian Assange emails people and asks for their documents and they give them to him willingly, right? Is that how Wikileaks works?