BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 6: What Would I Want? Sky

Previously: Ned Stark took a spear to the knee. Hey, tell your friends about this series!


Ned Stark has one of those awful dreams you get right after you quit a job, you know the one: you're lying in bed and suddenly BOOM, the boss (and his wife) are right there, leaning over you. Except whoa, it isn't a dream!!! Ned and the King come to an understanding: both Ned's wife and the King's bro in law are acting up something fierce. The King orders Ned to order his wife to release Tyrion, and Ned asks the King permission to hunt down Brother Fucker (who fled the city like a bitch) and bring him to justice. The King says no, and Ned is like "at least admit he is a fuckwad," and the King is like "OK, deal." But Queen Eyebrow starts complaining, so the King slaps her in her (pretty, incesty) face. She tells him she's going to wear the bruise as a badge of honor, like some kind of ridiculous fifteen year old brat. Shut up, you little brat! Whoa, just realized I'm not ready to have children. 

Back in Winterfell, The Brothers Grim/Jonas aren't having any fun. Bonas Jonas tries his new saddle and gets attacked by some 99 percenters in the woods, and Kevin Jonas only gets to be Acting Mayor for like, ten seconds before the Squire is pushing him to go to war with the Lannisters. LIFE, AM I RIGHT? Anyway, how does declaring war work in GoT town? Are the Lannisters really like, a state? Or can you just pick anything to go to war with? ("I declare war on male body hair!"-Knight One Direction from last time) But Ned Stark preempts anything his son might have tried*: filling in on the Throne for a day, he hears a story about some dead fish or something that leads him to conclude that all the Lannisters should be arrested. Or something? (I may have missed a few things.)

(*That is kind of a theme by now, right? Every time you think the shit is going to hit the fan, it hits the fan from a different direction.)

But yeah, rather than go rogue on the government, Ned Stark goes rogue FROM WITHIN the government. Nicely done, man. You're totally gonna get killed, but still: nicely done. Speaking of NICELY FUCKING DONE, it turns out Tyrion doesn't need anybody's help anyway (again: same fan, different shit). He demands a trial from his captors, and when he realizes that won't work out in his favor in Oedipal Nightmare Town (This crazy bitch is John Arryn's widow? No wonder he was obsessed with other people's sons--so he didn't have to think about his own!) demands instead a trial by combat. I was like, "That's a pretty wacky suggestion!" but it turns out it's a normal part of the appeals process in Game Of Thrones town.

Tyrion's buddy, the ice wall recruiter he befriended a few episodes back (and who has just been chillin' with Tyrion ever since like a rad bro, "Hey bro, I'm getting arrested now and I guess we're going to go to some crazy sky castle? You wanna come with?" "For sure, bro.") volunteers to fight for Tyrion since, again, that is within Miranda Rights around here. "You have the right to trial by jury of your peers, or, failing that, you pick a guy and your accuser picks a guy and they fight." "You murdered someone? That is a death sentence. Unless you or one of your friends can kill ANOTHER dude, in which case you're free to go." Anyway, that happens, and Tyrion's Bro kills the other dude and throws his corpse out of the sky castle and then Tyrion and Bro are like PEACE THE FUCK OUT, LADY STARK and they bail. It's fucking legendary.

Meanwhile, Dany is really putting her heart into the Khaleesi gig. And also, incidentally, putting a horse's heart into her mouth. YIKES. Draco can't take all the adoration she's getting, and comes back to the heart-eating party with a sword and like, a real bad attitude. Way to harsh everybody's (morbid, orgiastic) mellow, man! He threatens to hurt Dany and demands a crown from her husband, and Khal Drogo grants Draco's wish. Problem is, old Drake didn't specify what TEMPERATURE he wanted the crown. Most places do medium-well as the standard, but I guess in Dothraki Town, they serve their crowns in BOILING LIQUID FORM. So yeah, Draco is dead! And I was never even totally confident what his actual name was! So long, blond jerk!

Ned Stark reads a genealogy book which details the hair colors of the men of different families and concludes that Ladyboy Lannister was not fathered by the King because he has blond hair. I know that doesn't seem particularly scientific, but Maury Povich actually uses the same system. Finally, sadly, the Squire's favorite prostitute leaves town. BOOOO(BS)! Oh well, there's always more boobs in Game Of Thones town!