BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E10: Sawdust & Diamonds

In Cormac McCarthy's The Road, there's a particularly vile moment in which the Father and Son come across a camp made by fellow apocalypse survivors and discover, of all things, a human fetus roasting on a spit. It is one of those things that makes you immediately angry to have read it. Fuck you, Cormac McCarthy, you know? As such, I was happy to learn that it was not included in the film adaptation of the book. The world already literally ended in that fucking story, isn't that far enough? 

A Storm Of Swords's "dead baby on a spit" moment, for me, is the rumor overheard by our characters in the book that Walder Frey's men attached Robb's wolf's head to his own decapitated corpse and paraded it around the castle. It's a sickening idea, that this character you cared about would be mutilated in such a way. And it is only something you overhear! The show, of course, goes much further, having Arya and The Hound actually witness this vulgar bit of folk art. I seriously could have done without that image. But despite that, and despite a lot of other things actually, this was an enjoyable episode! 

Despite our established hatred for Joffrey, his jubilation at the death of Robb Stark was kind of infectious, was it not? I mean, what's done is done, and we gotta make peace with the storylines we have left, don't we? Also very entertaining (in a scene that was mostly meant to show the Lannisters learning of the Red Wedding and to re-establish the lopsided balance of power between Joffrey, Tywin, and Tyrion) was just how fucking OVER EVERYTHING Varys is at this point. 

Meanwhile, Theon's torturer is revealed to be Ramsay Snow, the bastard son of Roose Bolton, which is only significant because now everybody watching knows who the fuck Roose Bolton even is. "Ramsay Snow, the bastard son of Roose Bolton" was LITERALLY Theon's first fucking guess at who his captor was, six or seven episodes ago. But despite that, his story is a little more fun this time around. I enjoyed Ramsay Snow's little soliloquy about whether or not phantom boners exist, and I think we all enjoyed Theon's penis getting mailed to his father and sister. BABABOOEY!

And weirdly, I enjoyed Yara's hero moment in which she sets off to save her brother, despite the fact that her speech is literally just, "I'm going to get ship, and sail on it, and go to where Theon is, and save him." It doesn't matter how pedestrian the speech is--it is delivered so well! Is Yara Greyjoy the new protagonist of this show, technically?  

And despite the knowledge that in the book, Davos Seaworth's rescue of Robert Baratheon's bastard son from the clutches of Melisandre is a dramatic, Ocean's Eleven-like heist, I enjoyed the simplicity of his scenes with Gendry. They hang out in the dungeons together, they bond, and then Davos literally just walks out of the castle with him and shoves him into a boat and says, "Hey, get out of here." 

And then the most interesting thing in the episode happens. With Stannis and Melisandre in a rage and shouting for his head, Davos tells them about a letter he's received from the Night's Watch. And when they hear about the danger above the wall, both of them instantly drop their petty bullshit and recognize that this is a big fucking deal. For years on this show, we've been watching people in power receive dire warnings about The Others and dismiss them out of hand. Somebody finally listens, and decides to act, and it is fucking Stannis. Who the fuck saw that shit coming? I'm looking forward to watching those three work bickeringly together to fight The Others next season. And I hope Davos continues to learn to read, because his consternation at the idiosyncrasies of English are THE BEST. 

ESL Davos--let's make it a thing!

The only moment that rival's Stannis's Decision is Arya's first stab at revenge. Wandering by a group of soldiers laughingly discussing the aforementioned mutilation of Robb, Arya hops off The Hounds horse and stabs a motherfucker in the face. The Hound bloodily, awesomely dispatches with the rest of them, and rather than tell Arya to NOT hop off his horse and stab motherfuckers in the face, just asks for a warning next time she plans on doing it. 

All our other characters get brief nods, but nothing of real substance. Ygritte catches up with Jon Snow and pumps him full of arrows, but their storyline together seems far from over. Bran and his gang make it to the other side of the wall with an assist from Sam and Gilly, but from there I think they just have to walk a bunch more? Jamie returns to King's Landing, but his reunion with Cercei cuts away abruptly. I mean, I assume because the hot brother-on-sister action commences, but still. Then again, Jamie's looking pretty busted these days.

And it wouldn't be a season finale without a badass Dany moment, right? And despite the fact that the specifics and mechanics of her Yunkai invasion make no fucking sense whatsoever, I was quite moved by the final scene of the episode, in which the freed people of Yunkai swarm Dany, calling her "mother." Dany is the best.

And maybe we could talk about the slightly uncomfortable racial politics of watching a gorgeous blond white lady walk among a sea of worshipful brown people, but you know what? It has been a long season. Let's just sit quietly for a few minutes. 

A few links:

HERE IS AN INTERESTING VISUAL PARALLEL, VIA FUCK YEAH WINTERFELL

A QUICK NOTE TO BOOK FANS UPSET THAT A PARTICULAR THING DIDN'T TURN UP IN THE FINALE

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E09: It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)

When I first started really getting into the Game Of Thrones world, I started hearing e-whisperings and tweet-mumblings of a future event known as The Red Wedding. In fact, those sort of whisperings were what drove me to reading the books ahead of the series; I figured waiting was too dangerous, spoiler-wise. (And given the way tweets were flying around as it first aired, I was almost certainly right.)

So, when I was reading, knowing as I did that a wedding between Joffery and Marge was coming, I found myself hoping they (or rather, just Joffrey) were the ones for whom The Red Wedding referred. Back then, Arya had just gotten the coin from Jaqen H'ghar, and I envisioned a scene of spectacular badassery somehow involving the two of them. I was actually pumped, so sure was I that it would happen.

But no. That is not what happened. I was so naive! At The Red Wedding, Robb, his pregnant wife, and his mother are all grotesquely murdered by the Freys and Roose Bolton. Does anybody need a hug? That was a lot more brutal than I thought it would be.

And it feels different than your average TV shock, doesn't it? Worse. I guess it's because, when it happens, you want to ask "Why?" And the answer is, "No particular reason." Sure, the inevitability of Robb's military loss has been following him around like a direwolf pup for weeks, but it didn't have to end like this. This was unnecessary. Which is kind of the point! (Cat Stark slitting a mostly-innocent young girl's throat in a pointless final gasp of rage really drove that point home.)

But let's go back. A few other interesting things happened elsewhere.

In an amazing but still fairly believable confluence of events, Jon and Bran end up within a few hundred feet of each other. See, Bran and the Scooby Gang are holing up in an abandoned castle to take shelter from a storm, and Jon and the Wildlings are chasing down Tilda Swinton's dad, who is honestly just some old dude the Wildlings decided to kill. Of course, they don't get to say hi to each other, since Jon is currently tight with guys who just kill Tilda Swinton's dad for no reason. But still, it's cool that they were so close by!

In a conflagration that is too difficult to explain in less than like two thousand words, the following things happen:

1. Bran discovers that he can control the minds of other people, or at least Hodor. (I mean honestly, as far as mind control goes, Hodor is decidedly farm league, am I right?)
2. Ygritte kills Tilda Swinton's dad when Jon refuses to do so.
3. Jon finally kills stupid Gareth from The Office--or does he? Or is Gareth permanently in his pet eagle's body from now on?
4. Jon flees on horseback, away from the Wildlings, including Ygritte. C'mon, Jon.
5. Bran realizes that everything Jojen Reed has told him is true, and sends Osha and Rickon packing.

That's really the biggest shock of this episode: Rickon has a bunch of lines! But it is probably the last we'll see of him for a very long time, as he and Osha make for the Umber family stronghold rather than cross the Wall with Bran. Still: good job, little buddy! I'm still not entirely convinced that you are not a friendly ghost. 

Meanwhile, Dany dispatches her new bestie Wario, along with Jorah and Grey Worm, into Yunkai to kick enough ass that the slave army defending the city will throw down their arms and join them. Obviously, they succeed. How awesome was Grey Worm during that fight scene? I couldn't take my eyes off his twirling spear and grim stare. That guy rules. So is Dany is lovvve with Wario or what? Are you guys shipping them SO HARD already?

And then we're back to The Twins, and Robb, and the fucking Red Wedding. In a tragic mirror version of Jon/Bran, Arya and The Hound arrive at the castle just as the slaughter begins. Arya watches Robb's wolf die, and The Hound grudgingly saves her again. Nobody else is so lucky.

In the books, Robb's wife is not pregnant and not in attendance at the wedding. So, in case you were wondering why her death was so abrupt and so gruesome: it was to fuck with those of us who thought we were prepared for this scene. Nobody was prepared for it. From there, it is all blood and screams and horror, a TV moment that will live in infamy from now on. But like, the kind of infamy where you really have to admire the balls of it. Big fucking brass ones, man. And at the end, Robb, Cat, and a whole bunch of other people are dead.

How are you all doing? Do you need to talk through your feelings?

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E08: Ready, Aim, Marry Me!

This episode has everything. Drunk weddings, reading lessons, slug fellatio, decapitations, baby names, discussions about faith and semantics, and also that thing where a dwarf decides not to take a girl's virginity?

But seriously folks, this was a great episode. Did it perhaps have to do with the fact that Theon doesn't appear, and instead we get plenty of Dany and Gendry (specifically, boobs, butt and penis base)? I'd certainly say so.

We pick up with Arya though, who is now traveling with Rooster Faceburn and contemplating bashing his head in with a rock. That is, until she finds out he's simply planning on returning her to her mother safely. Did Arya actually smile a little, at the end there? I love that one of the major dramatic ironies of this show is that nobody in Westeros knows what a nice dude The Hound is. Just a big old fire-fearing sweetheart! Who murders people ruthlessly, but still.

In Yunkai, Dany is sporting a snappy headscarf and continuing to pop off one-liners just relentlessly. I love when you trash talk, girl! Even Jorah and Bartista seem to be stepping up their verbal game. Hard to keep up with Khaleesi, though; in another life she'd be a battle-rapper.

So, today she's visited by three pervy mercenary captains working for the Yunkai slavers, who later articulate their plight in a deft little scene reminiscent of the one in Lincoln in which Abe explains the constitutional catch-22 he's in, but like if the scene in Lincoln featured a girl sitting on William Seward's lap trying not to fall out of her clothes. It would have been a welcome addition, right? See, the mercenaries have pledged to help the Slavers, but now see they are outmanned by our gal Dany. But if they go back on their contract, nobody will want to hire them in the future. Unwilling to fight the SlaveWOWs but also unwilling to defect, Two out of three Slavers decide Dany has to be assassinated. But then they make the other guy do it. Maybe don't trust the task to the no vote, huh? Later, Taboo shows up while Dany's in the bath. Rather then kill her, he dumps the heads of his two compatriots out of a bag. Dany decides that is worth showing him her tits, and a new partnership is born.

In Dragonstone, Stannis frees Jon Swanson, who immediately gets back in his King's face about his latest antics. He and Stannis have a very interesting relationship, obviously pretty reminiscent of Robert and Ned, where Stannis pretty much constantly tells Jon to STFU and Jon never, ever does. But it's especially welcome this time, as Melisandre has returned with Gendry and plans to sacrifice him to the Lord Of Light. Jon Swanson is like, "Dude. No." So Melisandre fucks Gendry and puts some slugs on his dick, to prove…something. Wait, what was that supposed to prove? ("Nothin', I just wanted to put slugs on a dude's dick."-Mel)

Here's the tricky part, though: as previously stated, The Lord Of Light seems like the only god with honest boots on the ground. The male members of the Stark family seem to mostly worship the Old Gods, who haven't done shit to stop them from getting kicked around the whole continent for the past three years. The Lannisters and Cat Stark ostensibly worship The Seven, and that's obviously a mixed bag right there. Arya worships the god of Death, but she hasn't been able to kill nearly as many people as we'd like her to.* So as much as I dig Jon Swanson's little Atheistic story about inventing Gods to comfort children, that shit just doesn't play in Westeros. So how do you solve a problem like Melisandre? Doesn't Robert have some other, less cool bastard out there we can sacrifice instead?

(*The only real match for the Lord Of Light, it seems, is Dany herself. That's her religion: the church of I'm A Fucking Baller, Get The Fuck Up Out My Way. (Other noted practitioners of this religion: Bronn.))

And then we get the first of our many promised weddings, and boy is it awkward! Forced to marry Sansa, Tyrion copes by getting sing-song drunk. Meanwhile Joffrey attempts to reach new heights of dickishness, and mostly succeeds. Cercei just gives up and basically just says "fuck you" to anyone who even tries to talk to her. And Lady Olenna has one of her funniest monologues yet, trying to draw out her newly tangled family tree: "One thing is for certain, your brother will be your new father in law." But when it comes time to consummate, Tyrion just can't do it. I mean, he can DO IT, he makes sure Sansa knows, but he doesn't want to. She remains Sansa The Unfucked, First Of Her Name. Will someone fuck her next week? Tune in to find out!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E07: The Color Blue

photo by Terry Richardson

I watched Game Of Thrones seasons 1 and 2 before I picked up any of the books, but between seasons two and three I read ahead. I did that on purpose; I like having a varied perspective. I experienced the Harry Potter series and Twilight (of course) the same way, and I'd highly recommend it to you, whenever possible. It keeps you interested in both iterations, rather than one (usually) ruining the other.

And this week's episode of Game Of Thrones was, to me, quite interesting, because the vast majority of it was not in the books. Which also made me a little uneasy, because presumably the show is still headed in the general direction the books are, meaning that a lot of the dust being kicked up right now will ultimately amount to nothing. It probably doesn't help that today I also re-watched some of the Mad Men episodes where Don was banging that pretty school teacher. What happened to her? I miss her.

Then again: does everything need to lead to something? Isn't the impression that "all the pieces matter" what makes so many shows irritating? Lost? How I Met Your Mother? Maybe I should be okay with Game Of Thrones occasionally wandering in a circle. Such is life, right? And maybe they're doing it for my benefit as a book reader. Does it sound like I'm trying to talk myself out of thinking this was a bad episode?

OK, enough of that. What happens in this episode? Well, Robb and his wife are having a baby! Oh good, the gods really need ANOTHER Stark to fuck with endlessly, right? Hey, do you think Robb Stark yells "Winterfell!" when he orgasms?

Elsewhere, now on the civilized side of the wall, Ygritte makes fun of the idea of "roads," only to be dazzled later in the episode by a broken-down windmill. Girl, just wait. You are about to SEE some SHIT. But how can anybody be impressed by any structure more than a 700-foot ice wall? Later, our girl Y dodges a weird pick-up attempt by Gareth from The Ouffice and then gets a history lesson from Jon Snow (long story short--this isn't the first time the Wildlings have invaded the south and it won't be the last). She has the best line of the episode, the only somewhat Bon Jovi-y "We'll die, but first we'll live."And then Ginger Bigfoot gives sex advice to Jon, I guess, or maybe just to everybody? Is that how he entertains them all on long hikes?

Sansa, fresh from hearing she'll be wed to Tyrion, is pretty upset. But Marge tells her to look on the bright side--sure, some may see Tyrion as half-short, but optimists see him as half-tall! Plus Marge hears he's good at sex and thinks his scar is sexy. Marge is an interesting lady, huh? Meanwhile Tyrion and Bronn have a conversation about the morality of thinking about fucking Sansa. To think about fucking Sansa or not to think about fucking Sansa--that is the question yet again. For a lot of people really. Later, Tyrion deals with the now very angry and jealous Shae, a character for whom I am abruptly losing my patience!

In the far east, Dany's dragons and wit are growing ever stronger and faster. She's about to invade another slave city, and treats with one of the overseers, a guy who seems to be always on the verge of breaking into a Jersey mobster accent. Obviously she'll kill them all soon, but we have to wait an episode or two for that. There were some kind of Kubrickian flourishes in the Dany section this week which I really enjoyed, by the way. Dig the one-point perspective in the first cap below!

Last few things:

• Arya, dissatisfied with the Brotherhood after they sold out Gendry, wanders from camp and gets kidnapped by The Hound. Out of the frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan as usual for our girl Arya. Whatever, she'll be fine. 

• Theon continues to languish in a meta version of Eli Roth's Hostel. The less said about it the better. But you know, there was at least some gratuitous nudity!

• Osha tells a boring story. Bran's plot advances exactly zero percent. 

• Jamie, on his way back to King's Landing, learns from Maester Mengele that Brienne, still captive at Harrenhall, is going to be tonight's "entertainment" for Locke and his asshole friends. So he goes rushing back and gets to be in, to date, this show's most heroic "guy jumping down from a thing" shot. Yeah Jamie's redemption arc! I love it! He saves Brienne from a fucking bear (by, fair enough, mostly just standing in the way for a sec) and they set out for King's Landing together. As it should be, forever and ever, amen.