BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E08: Ready, Aim, Marry Me!

This episode has everything. Drunk weddings, reading lessons, slug fellatio, decapitations, baby names, discussions about faith and semantics, and also that thing where a dwarf decides not to take a girl's virginity?

But seriously folks, this was a great episode. Did it perhaps have to do with the fact that Theon doesn't appear, and instead we get plenty of Dany and Gendry (specifically, boobs, butt and penis base)? I'd certainly say so.

We pick up with Arya though, who is now traveling with Rooster Faceburn and contemplating bashing his head in with a rock. That is, until she finds out he's simply planning on returning her to her mother safely. Did Arya actually smile a little, at the end there? I love that one of the major dramatic ironies of this show is that nobody in Westeros knows what a nice dude The Hound is. Just a big old fire-fearing sweetheart! Who murders people ruthlessly, but still.

In Yunkai, Dany is sporting a snappy headscarf and continuing to pop off one-liners just relentlessly. I love when you trash talk, girl! Even Jorah and Bartista seem to be stepping up their verbal game. Hard to keep up with Khaleesi, though; in another life she'd be a battle-rapper.

So, today she's visited by three pervy mercenary captains working for the Yunkai slavers, who later articulate their plight in a deft little scene reminiscent of the one in Lincoln in which Abe explains the constitutional catch-22 he's in, but like if the scene in Lincoln featured a girl sitting on William Seward's lap trying not to fall out of her clothes. It would have been a welcome addition, right? See, the mercenaries have pledged to help the Slavers, but now see they are outmanned by our gal Dany. But if they go back on their contract, nobody will want to hire them in the future. Unwilling to fight the SlaveWOWs but also unwilling to defect, Two out of three Slavers decide Dany has to be assassinated. But then they make the other guy do it. Maybe don't trust the task to the no vote, huh? Later, Taboo shows up while Dany's in the bath. Rather then kill her, he dumps the heads of his two compatriots out of a bag. Dany decides that is worth showing him her tits, and a new partnership is born.

In Dragonstone, Stannis frees Jon Swanson, who immediately gets back in his King's face about his latest antics. He and Stannis have a very interesting relationship, obviously pretty reminiscent of Robert and Ned, where Stannis pretty much constantly tells Jon to STFU and Jon never, ever does. But it's especially welcome this time, as Melisandre has returned with Gendry and plans to sacrifice him to the Lord Of Light. Jon Swanson is like, "Dude. No." So Melisandre fucks Gendry and puts some slugs on his dick, to prove…something. Wait, what was that supposed to prove? ("Nothin', I just wanted to put slugs on a dude's dick."-Mel)

Here's the tricky part, though: as previously stated, The Lord Of Light seems like the only god with honest boots on the ground. The male members of the Stark family seem to mostly worship the Old Gods, who haven't done shit to stop them from getting kicked around the whole continent for the past three years. The Lannisters and Cat Stark ostensibly worship The Seven, and that's obviously a mixed bag right there. Arya worships the god of Death, but she hasn't been able to kill nearly as many people as we'd like her to.* So as much as I dig Jon Swanson's little Atheistic story about inventing Gods to comfort children, that shit just doesn't play in Westeros. So how do you solve a problem like Melisandre? Doesn't Robert have some other, less cool bastard out there we can sacrifice instead?

(*The only real match for the Lord Of Light, it seems, is Dany herself. That's her religion: the church of I'm A Fucking Baller, Get The Fuck Up Out My Way. (Other noted practitioners of this religion: Bronn.))

And then we get the first of our many promised weddings, and boy is it awkward! Forced to marry Sansa, Tyrion copes by getting sing-song drunk. Meanwhile Joffrey attempts to reach new heights of dickishness, and mostly succeeds. Cercei just gives up and basically just says "fuck you" to anyone who even tries to talk to her. And Lady Olenna has one of her funniest monologues yet, trying to draw out her newly tangled family tree: "One thing is for certain, your brother will be your new father in law." But when it comes time to consummate, Tyrion just can't do it. I mean, he can DO IT, he makes sure Sansa knows, but he doesn't want to. She remains Sansa The Unfucked, First Of Her Name. Will someone fuck her next week? Tune in to find out!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E07: The Color Blue

photo by Terry Richardson

I watched Game Of Thrones seasons 1 and 2 before I picked up any of the books, but between seasons two and three I read ahead. I did that on purpose; I like having a varied perspective. I experienced the Harry Potter series and Twilight (of course) the same way, and I'd highly recommend it to you, whenever possible. It keeps you interested in both iterations, rather than one (usually) ruining the other.

And this week's episode of Game Of Thrones was, to me, quite interesting, because the vast majority of it was not in the books. Which also made me a little uneasy, because presumably the show is still headed in the general direction the books are, meaning that a lot of the dust being kicked up right now will ultimately amount to nothing. It probably doesn't help that today I also re-watched some of the Mad Men episodes where Don was banging that pretty school teacher. What happened to her? I miss her.

Then again: does everything need to lead to something? Isn't the impression that "all the pieces matter" what makes so many shows irritating? Lost? How I Met Your Mother? Maybe I should be okay with Game Of Thrones occasionally wandering in a circle. Such is life, right? And maybe they're doing it for my benefit as a book reader. Does it sound like I'm trying to talk myself out of thinking this was a bad episode?

OK, enough of that. What happens in this episode? Well, Robb and his wife are having a baby! Oh good, the gods really need ANOTHER Stark to fuck with endlessly, right? Hey, do you think Robb Stark yells "Winterfell!" when he orgasms?

Elsewhere, now on the civilized side of the wall, Ygritte makes fun of the idea of "roads," only to be dazzled later in the episode by a broken-down windmill. Girl, just wait. You are about to SEE some SHIT. But how can anybody be impressed by any structure more than a 700-foot ice wall? Later, our girl Y dodges a weird pick-up attempt by Gareth from The Ouffice and then gets a history lesson from Jon Snow (long story short--this isn't the first time the Wildlings have invaded the south and it won't be the last). She has the best line of the episode, the only somewhat Bon Jovi-y "We'll die, but first we'll live."And then Ginger Bigfoot gives sex advice to Jon, I guess, or maybe just to everybody? Is that how he entertains them all on long hikes?

Sansa, fresh from hearing she'll be wed to Tyrion, is pretty upset. But Marge tells her to look on the bright side--sure, some may see Tyrion as half-short, but optimists see him as half-tall! Plus Marge hears he's good at sex and thinks his scar is sexy. Marge is an interesting lady, huh? Meanwhile Tyrion and Bronn have a conversation about the morality of thinking about fucking Sansa. To think about fucking Sansa or not to think about fucking Sansa--that is the question yet again. For a lot of people really. Later, Tyrion deals with the now very angry and jealous Shae, a character for whom I am abruptly losing my patience!

In the far east, Dany's dragons and wit are growing ever stronger and faster. She's about to invade another slave city, and treats with one of the overseers, a guy who seems to be always on the verge of breaking into a Jersey mobster accent. Obviously she'll kill them all soon, but we have to wait an episode or two for that. There were some kind of Kubrickian flourishes in the Dany section this week which I really enjoyed, by the way. Dig the one-point perspective in the first cap below!

Last few things:

• Arya, dissatisfied with the Brotherhood after they sold out Gendry, wanders from camp and gets kidnapped by The Hound. Out of the frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan and into the other frying pan as usual for our girl Arya. Whatever, she'll be fine. 

• Theon continues to languish in a meta version of Eli Roth's Hostel. The less said about it the better. But you know, there was at least some gratuitous nudity!

• Osha tells a boring story. Bran's plot advances exactly zero percent. 

• Jamie, on his way back to King's Landing, learns from Maester Mengele that Brienne, still captive at Harrenhall, is going to be tonight's "entertainment" for Locke and his asshole friends. So he goes rushing back and gets to be in, to date, this show's most heroic "guy jumping down from a thing" shot. Yeah Jamie's redemption arc! I love it! He saves Brienne from a fucking bear (by, fair enough, mostly just standing in the way for a sec) and they set out for King's Landing together. As it should be, forever and ever, amen.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E06: Chaos Is A Ladder, Love Is A Rope

Recently I heard somebody talking about the essence of the modern GOP strategy: faced with a crushing defeat in 2008, they were so at a loss as to what to do that the only option was to just act like they'd won. It worked, mostly, and it reminds me a little of what Melisandre is up to in this episode. I mean, lady just marches into the Doctors Without Borders camp and takes Gendry for a couple bags of money. What? Who do you think you are, Melisandre?

Thoros (who is Red Priest just like her, if that wasn't clear before now), who has just demonstrated his theological superiority, doesn't say a damn thing. Gendry JUST pledged to your frat, bro. At least ask her a few questions, and then maybe you'll realize she's the one who just got her red ass handed to her by Tyrion Lannister on Blackwater Bay. With a buttload of FIRE, no less. RED FLAG, RED PRIEST! She is not a winner, Thoros. Gendry is a winner! You shoulda done right by him, you knockoff Robinhood motherfucker.

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ANYWAY, yeah, that is one of the things that happens in this episode. The Red Lady kidnaps Gendry because Baratheon blood flows through his veins, and she needs to blood dope Stannis to get him back up to shadow-baby-conceiving condition. I mean, that is probably what is going to happen. But strictly speaking, none of this is in the book. So who knows what the fuck is going on really.

Elsewhere: Jon Snow and Ygritte take a nerve-jangling climb to the top of the wall. After an avalanche of sorts leaves them hanging in mid-air, Gareth from The Office (the UK Office, that is, so, The Ouffice) makes the tough decision (very quickly, I might add!) to cut 'em loose. But Jon gets a handhold at the last minute and he and his lady pull themselves up and survive. So, like, shit's going to be awkward between them and Gareth now, huh? Yikes. When they get to the top, there is honestly a very beautiful and tender moment between our lovers. Like, that Collective Soul song would almost work, unironically, under that scene. How much do you love Ygritte's Jon Snow impression, by the way?

In King's Landing, everybody is having awkward conversations. Tywin and Lady Olenna (two heavyweights of verbal gymnastics) spar over the plan to wed Cercei to Knight One Direction. She plays the "old" card, he plays the "gay" card, she plays the "incest card." This is going to be a fun wedding! Elsewhere, Tyrion steels himself for the task of dashing Sansa's hopes and dreams--I mean what few she had left--to fucking dust. I really liked seeing Tyrion and Cercei having another moment of detente, as they contemplated their collectively sorry fate. Those moments are rare, but always interesting and very well-acted.

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There's also a FOURTH wedding being planned (The first three being Cercei/Loras, Tyrion/Sansa, and Joffrey/Margery for those keeping score at home) but don't even for a second think this is shaping up to be a bunch of goofy Shakespearean merriment. If that were the case, Roz would still be lingering on the sidelines of the action, offering witty commentary, instead of where she ends up in this episode--tied to a bedpost and pumped full of arrows (thanks to Littlefinger's new side-business as a Dexter's Dad). RIP, Roz. The Ann Perkins of Westeros is no more. Anyway, Wedding #4: Cat's brother, Ugly Ryan Reynolds, gets promised off to another of Walder Frey's kids in the do-over version of the last treaty, thus keeping Robb's Coalition Of The Northern Willing together. Robb once again laments that for all this success in battle, everything seems to ride on who is having lawful sex with whom.

But isn't that kind of a beautiful thing, in a way? I love when Ygritte explains to Jon the point of all her teasing: he's focused on war and loyalty when he should be focused on sex and love. All the other shit is extraneous. War and loyalty are the only things Starks understand, and that's why nothing ever goes their way. They gotta get with the times; out with the ice and in with the fire!

Of course, Ygritte's speech takes second place to Littlefinger's final monologue about chaos and power. It's a terrifying thing to glimpse the depths of that guy's evil cunning; even Varys seems taken aback, and he keeps a mutilated priest in a box! When you make that guy blush, you know you're throne gaming it with the best of them.

Oh, and of course there is another elliptical Theon scene in which Asshole Hobbit reveals new information only to walk it back yet again, leaving Theon in exactly the same spot he has been in all season, give or take a finger. What the fuck is this shit, guys? Why include such a deliberately antagonizing plotline? When the DVD comes out, I hope there is a Twilight-esque special feature where you can watch the episodes with the Theon stuff edited out. Shit, that is a good idea. Somebody get David Benioff on the phone! (I just googled him to make sure I spelled his name right. Did you know he's married to Amanda Peet?)