BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E10: An Old Soul Song For The New World Order

OK I’m late on this, because I got a puppy, and puppies don’t really like it when you sit down and just write a blog post. It’s boring for them; there’s nothing to chase or bite or refuse to walk on. But it’s OK that I’m late, because you have to wait a whole freaking year for more Game Of Thrones anyway. (Or do you? Ball is very temporarily in your court, George!) So:

Everyone’s dead!!! Or are they? That episode certainly dispatched with a lot of plotlines (or did it) and threw the rest of our characters up into the air (or did it). We’ve got a lot to cover, and then we’ve got to spend a few hours contemplating the new Mereneese government, specifically PRESIDENT GREY WORM and his council of Missandei, Tyrion, and the gloriously-returned Lord Varys. Is Mereen all that matters, now?

Stannis’s life goes full Shakespeare at the outset of the episode. Half his men go AWOL, and then he’s led to the woods where his wife has hanged herself. He’s then told that Melisandre has fled his camp. The feel of a classic tragedy is enhanced by how much of the action happens off-screen—I was half expecting the next scene to be another character hearing of Stannis falling on his own sword, Cassius-style. (The Julius Caesar vibes are strong all over the North this week.) But of course, only hearing about his death would make viewers suspicious, and wouldn’t that be terrible and useless and kind of cloud our retrospective enjoyment of an episode? Well, it kind of happens anyway.

Stannis leads his remaining men on a suicide march to Winterfell, and the distraction prevents Brienne from seeing Sansa’s distress signal. But Brienne has a backlog of oaths to fulfill, and one of them is avenging Renly Baratheon. She finds a wounded Stannis in the woods and executes him (probably). Huh. I thought we’d get a little more out of Stannis. He was a man with a code, but a man constantly tempted by the allure of blood magic and the sometimes very real possibility that he was humanity’s savior. Eventually, he leaned a little too far over the railing. I guess that’s it. (Or is it.)

Significant Deaths: Stannis Baratheon, Selyse Baratheon

Speaking of leaning too far over the railing—shoutout to Miranda, and one of the funniest, most visceral character deaths we’ve had in recent memory. (I rewound it again to admire that camera move as she falls and then makes sickening impact. It was the hi-fi equivalent of a Marlo Meekins Vine. Miranda’s demise comes at the hand of a re-activated Theon, who then Ethan Fromes off the side of Winterfell with Sansa, a literal leap of faith to escape Ramsay Bolton. They are probably OK. (Or are they.)

In Braavos, our girl Arya exacts some sickening and righteous ultraviolence on Meryn Trant, gouging out his eyes and then slitting his throat after a badass monologue. I knew this girl was good at killin' but I didn't know she was this good. Perhaps Jaqen is similarly caught off-guard, and he blinds Arya, presumably to just delay her going full-Jedi for another five or six episodes. The force is too strong with this one! Arya's story is blissfully free of cliffhangers, as long as you weren't too distracted by Jaqen's David Lynch-y mumbo jumbo; she went off-book and gouged out some eyes, and for that she lost the use of her own. Pretty simple 1:1 deal. They don't call it the House Of Black and White for nothin, folks!

Significant Deaths: Ser Meryn Trant

In Mereen, Tyrion, Jorah and Daario sit around all mopey and sad that their girl bailed on them. This is especially a bummer for Tyrion, and by extension us, because dude just got there! There's an extended dick-measuring contest for a bit, but the takeaway for next year is this: Daario and Jorah are going to go on a mission to find Dany, and Tyrion is going to stay behind and run Mereen. But since nobody's on this side of the sea is going to take orders from a Lannister so new in town he doesn't even know where the Starbucks is, (it's on the east wall of the 2nd biggest pyramid, but there's also one inside the bank) Grey Worm will be serving as the face of the administration. HAIL TO THE CHIEF, BABY!

In King's Landing, Cersei seems to finally break (or does she) and is sentenced to a Walk Of Shame even more humiliating than the movie Walk Of Shame was for Elizabeth Banks. It's a punishingly long scene, and the nun's chant of "Shame, Shame, Shame [ding]" follows that funny --> scary --> funny again --> scary again sine curve they talked about on Radiolab that one time. When she returns to the Red Keep, Qyburn reveals to her that his Frankenstein is finally finished. Will Cersei exact revenge on the faith? Will Queen M be released? Is there anybody else left in King's Landing we give a shit about? I guess we'll find out next year!

Significant Deaths: Cersei's hair. (Though I kind of like her new look--it's very "Swedish Despair.")

Not that those will be the most burning question on our minds--it will actually be like fifth or sixth on the list. I'm sure you have heard about what happens--or doesn't happen--at the Wall. It was nearly impossible to avoid; the men of the Night's Watch turn on Jon Snow and stab him to death. Or not? After all, we've spent most of the season setting Jon Snow up as the hero, with the magic sword, who will lead the war against the White Walkers. we've also overheard increasingly blunt hints about his parentage, which won't be particularly interesting if we learn it after his death. The build-up of the importance of Jon Snow doesn't work if he's just dead--there was no reason for almost anything we saw this season. Unless, of course, we're building toward nothing.   

And here's where I must break my season-long vow to stop talking about the books--because this season had a chance to make good on them, and it didn't. Book V of ASOIAF is terrible. It's drawn out, almost half of it certainly goes nowhere and the rest of it MIGHT go nowhere for all any of us know because, just like this in this episode, everything ends in cliffhangers. Jon Snow seems to die. We hear in a letter that Ramsay Snow has defeated Stannis Baratheon. Brienne seems to die (although that might have been Book V's slightly-less-lame predecessor, which runs chronologically parallel.) The whole thing is a thousand-page holding pattern while George RR Martin figures out what else to write. It's a drag. I mean, just put Grey Worm on the Iron Throne and end this, guys!

Myrcella dies somewhere in there too. Probably. See you next season, maybe. 

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E09: Holy R'hllorers

Winter is truly coming in Westeros, and it's coming hard. We're talking Peter North-type shit. Stannis and his gang seem pretty well screwed (we're talking James Deen-type shit), especially when what at first seems like Melisandre's version of a sex dream turns out to be real, and fires break out all over Camp Stannis. The suggestion is that it was a stealth attack from Ramsay Snow, but we are sadly denied any Apocalypse Now-ian images of him at war in the wild. Some might say it's more disturbing to see the attack and not the attacker. Others might say it's cheaper! Anyway, Stannis's desperate times lead abruptly to desperate measures, and he sends Davos off on a bogus "don't stop me from killing my daughter" mission and proceeds to kill his daughter.

Yes, the more cynical among us probably saw this coming, and we now all understand that Stannis's tender moment with his daughter earlier this season was just a cloying point A to reach a crueler point B. This Walking Dead-esque "set up and punch out" writing has been creeping into Game Of Thrones a lot lately, and is maybe indicative of a once-rich story running out of runway. Or maybe not! It was gut-wrenching, though, and I mean that as a compliment! When you factor in that none of this is real, you sort of have to appreciate that a show can create that kind of emotional reaction in you.

It's not all horrible child-murder, though. There's also child prostitution, and regular, recreational murder! Street Assassin Arya is still working on killing the crooked insurance salesman when Ser Meryn arrives in Braavos, accompanying The Lorax Tyrell, who speaks now not only for the trees, but also for the ruined finances of the Iron Throne. Abandoning her post, Arya tracks him to a whorehouse, where he demands increasingly young flesh. OK, we get it--this guy deserves to get got. And I'm sure he will! But not until next week.

Mereenwhile, Dany, Daario, her husband Hizdo Ro-Red Shirt, and her new side chick Tyrion preside over the opening ceremonies of Mereenese Olympics, which are like the the normal Olympics but with more goofily chopped-off heads. The show has a lot of fun getting to pretend to be Gladiator for a hot second, but the oddly charming scene turns terrifying when the Sons Of The Harpy, placated no more, stage an assassination attempt on Dany. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Of The Slaves is killed, and Dany and our gang get nail-bitingly cornered. And then it's DRAGON TYME, BABY!

Drogon swoops the fuck in, and to the Sons Of The Harpy's credit, only like, 85% of them scatter in terror. And most of our people are still at risk, in fact, when Dany hops on her dragon's back and bails. Which, you know, I get. I mean, she's worked so hard to keep this city together, and nothing has worked. Our girl deserves to, even temporarily, throw up her hands and just say "Fuck this!" I hope the season finale is just an hour of Dany on a beach sipping a god damned Mai Tai.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E08: Here Comes The Night Time

Before we get to the good stuff, let's just cover our bases on the other characters. Cersei is captive, dirty, and defiant. Olly is still walking around doing the "Wildlings killed my family" monologue to anyone who will listen; he's either plotting a mutiny or auditioning for The Moth. And Sansa gets to scream at Theon and discover that Bran and Rickon are still alive (if not on the payroll for FY2015) in what could easily pass for the finest moment in a lesser episode. But this is not a lesser episode, folks.

OK, so in honor of Community's stellar finale, let me give you my pitch for Game Of Thrones season 6. We spend four full episodes with Tyrion and Khaleesi, who get drunk and talk about their fathers and occasionally govern. We spend another five episodes with Arya in Braavos as she carries out spy missions and/or solves crimes with Jaqen. And for the tenth episode, we get a third jaw-dropping battle featuring Jon Snow and the men of the Night's Watch. For a year, we'll all just assume that Cersei is still in jail, Jaime is still in jail, and that Winterfell literally freezes over and puts everyone else in suspended animation. This way, George RR Martin will have time to finish another book, book snobs will shut the fuck up, HBO will get a longer show, and we'll be able to preserve this current moment of greatness for as long as possible. BOOM. #TenSeasonsAndAMovie.

HOW GREAT WAS THIS SHIT!? I knew we were going to put this episode down in the record books as soon as Arya smiled upon the realization that she was about to become a fucking VIGILANTE STREET ASSASSIN, but that was before Jon Snow, Tormund, and new badass lady Wildling (NBLW) (RIP) attempted to continue a mission of humanitarian extraction in the face of an attack from THE NIGHT'S KING and the ARMY OF THE UNDEAD. And PLUS, PLUS, we got a long scene of TYRION AND DANAERYS SITTING TOGETHER IN THE SAME FRAME!!! Yes, that is right, as incredibly awesome as the last half hour of this episode was, it paled in comparison to just seeing my two favorite characters together at last.

I KNOW YOU'RE STILL WATCHING THIS SHOW, CLAIRE McCASKILL! YOU MUST BE! ADMIT IT!