BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S2E8: Throw Momma From The Train

So have I mentioned yet that you should totally read the Song Of Ice And Fire books? You should. I only just finished book 1, because I'm always screencapping TV shows instead of reading books or participating in culture in any meaningful way, but I very much enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to the next however-many. Even though it unfolds in almost exactly the same way as the show, jumping from character to character at usually the exact same moments (you'd think the show would be inclined to cut around more). There's more Ned and Jon and less Rob and Theon, that's about the biggest difference. And Dany's motivations are clearer, sort of (she has some important dreams).

Anyway I meant to fold episode 8 into my recap of 7, but I forgot. Which is too bad, because basically nothing happens in this one. And now I don't want to attach it to episode 9, because that one is AWESOME and I don't want to drag the recap down with the repetitive dead weight of this one. I mean, I know you need a little calm before the storm, but this episode for real felt like "We only have nine episodes of story and HBO wants ten in the can." FOR INSTANCE: Last time, Dany was invited to The House Of The Undying. In this episode: she tries to decide if she should go to The House Of The Undying. That's it! The same thing happens with Tyrion, who is still fretting about Stannis's approaching army, and Jon Snow, who is still captive among the Wildlings. They've got his former commander too, who starts whispering to Jon to be the Leo to his Martin Sheen in The Departed. Emphasis back there on "starts" talking about it, because the idea doesn't come to fruition until episode ten, when this dude and Jon go full-on Dumbledore/Snape. And just generally, characters all over the map seem to be repeating sentiments they've been making clear all season long--you could almost start watching the show here and be able to keep up.

Treading water is one thing, but going backwards is even more frustrating. And in this episode Cercei is immediately returned her evil self, attempting to kidnap Tyrion's lady to hold as ransom (because Tyrion refuses to talk Joffrey out of fighting in the battle). It's got a kind of funny twist though: Cercei captured the wrong ho (it's kind of a funny joke about Cercei's inability to relate to other women. They all look the same to her)! Tyrion manages not to show his hand and rushes back to Lisbeth Salander in his chambers. They have a very touching moment together--and I don't even mean a sex scene, for once! It's totally sweet. Those two are doomed.

The biggest and best step forward in this episode involves Arya and (who else?) Murder Genie. Tywin hits the road, so Arya starts looking for an exit. When Murder Genie asks for a name, she gives him his own. Bound by his own very strange moral system, Murder Genie begs her to unname him. She does, in exchange for a promise to help her and Gendry escape Alcatraz. True to his word, Murder Genie kills all the guards and leaves them propped up by their posts (your basic Weekend At Bernie's), and Arya, Gendry and their friend Augustus Gloop walk right out the front gate.

The second biggest move in this episode comes when Robb finds out Cat released Jamie Lannister. Furious with her, he puts her under tent arrest and promptly fucks the shit out of the slutty nurse, seemingly dismissing the arranged marriage his mother signed him up for last season. That seems entirely reasonable, and I'll kind of be pissed if it comes back to bite Robb. When Filch hears he'll just be like, "Yeah, four arranged marriages was probably an extravagant toll." But seeing the nurses's butt is pretty small reward for the extravagant toll that is this episode. Even the final twist, that Bran et al. are still alive, is too obvious to be particularly cathartic. I can't believe this took an hour! Nothing happened! But all will be forgiven next week.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E7: Your Honor, You're On Her

Episode 7 is called "A Man Without Honor," and while Game Of Thrones has plenty of those, today we're chiefly concerned with Theon Greyjoy and Jamie Lannister, two dudes majorly lacking in that department. So, OK, let's consider for a sec the kind of Shakespearean balancing act this series pulls off when it comes to the merits of honor: Being an honorable man is obviously an objective good like, always. But Ned Stark was an honorable man, and look where that shit got him. Killed! And yet, other, less honorable, folk have been able to effect a lot more positive change since his death. (When they weigh Tyrion Lannister in the balance, he won't be found wanting, you know? And that's not a joke about his size.)

This week we have Theon and Jamie both pulling some major dick moves. But oddly, while Theon's lack of honor distances us from him, Jamie's dick moves are so clever and compelling (and ballsy) that I find myself endeared to him. Dude brutally kills one of his cousins, and yet I was somehow rooting for him. How'd he do that?

It might be because his chief antagonist is Cat Stark, and reading the original book A Game Of Thrones, as I am doing right now, has completely turned me against her. When you have a little more insight into her motivations and thoughts, she comes across as totally self-centered and weirdly unloving, right (or am I the only one this happened to)? Seeing Tyrion and Jon where they are now in the show and reading her shitty treatment of them earlier in the book especially stacks the deck against her. Reading the books and catching up with what you've already seen on the show while still FINISHING the show is kind of problematic, but what can you do? We're here now. This is happening. Winter is coming.

It might also just be that the show seems to be softening toward the non-Tyrion Lannisters anyway. We see a different side of Queen Eyebrow this week, after Sansa has her period for the first time (and after she and Lisbeth Salander fail to hide it from her handlers--she can theoretically bear Ladyboy's children/hooved beasts now, after all). Cercei levels with Sansa: everything about being married off and being forced to have children sucks, except for the children. You will love your kids, and you can try to love your husband, she says. Sansa is either too dumb or too scared to engage with Cercei on a human level, which feels like a smart move right now. But it won't later. Sansa has another weird scene with The Hound, who rather stiffly articulates his raison d'etre. I can't figure out if it's the writing or the acting that is bad here, but it is at least one of them. "Killing is real good," The Hound says, (basically). "I like killing and I don't like things that are not killing." Sansa is like, cool story bro, and we're like NEXT SCENE PLEASE BRO.

Over the wall and through the woods, Jon is still hanging out with the Wildling, and she basically talks about his dick for an entire episode. I'm not even kidding. She notices his erection while they're sleeping (totally natural, Jon! Don't beat yourself off about it!) and proceeds to make an in-depth inquiry into Jon Snow's jerk off schedule (my new band name). And I think maybe loudly talking about dicks is how the Snow Hoboes communicate, because after a while they're set upon by a troop of her compatriots. It makes perfect sense to me that in Game Of Thrones town, you get punished for being a prude. I sort of feel like Jon will figure his way out of being captured, though. His wolf will just show up and eat someone's face and we'll be good.

In fact, it's hard to feel like anybody is particularly threatened at this point in the series. At the end of this episode, something shocking and horrible happens, but I when I watched it I was 90% sure it was a fake-out and I was right. The only thing I'm stressed about is the same thing Tyrion is stressed about: Stannis's forthcoming invasion of King's Landing. (Of course, Tyrion is worried about The Realm, and I'm only worried about Tyrion.) Several times in this episode we see him trying to formulate a plan, but his brain trust only consists of Baldy McNodick and Bro(nn). How fucked is King's Landing that these three dudes seem to be the only ones who care? It's fun to be a fly on the wall of their war room, though, except for a weird beat where Tyrion seems to rather happily endorse the use of the artificial fire that so appalled him a few episodes ago. In later episodes, we'll see him treating the weapons with more gravity again, which makes his temporary giddiness feel all the more like a strange lapse in writing consistency.

SPEAKING OF STRANGE LAPSES IN WRITING CONSISTENCY: DANY. Still in Qarth, the Mother of Dragons is suddenly back to doubting her claim to the throne and all that jazz. I mean, sure, sister was just dealt a pretty major blow to her self esteem when her dragons got kidnapped, but now her obsession with birthright seems even more like a 24 hour flu.* She joins Ducksauce Warbucks at a meeting of The Thirteen, who are essentially the Qarth city council. Or, they were. Because Ducksauce and his bald sorcerer friend Cancer Moby kill all of them and take over. For some reason! Ducksauce was in cahoots with Cancer Moby all along, see, and it turns out they're holding Dany's dragons in some kind of haunted house. SURE, OK! I'm just going to warn you right now: this is going to resolve in a satisfying way, but not one that makes any sense at all. Be ready to be cool with that.

(*Dany seems to literally repeat lines from episodes just after Draco was killed, which is the beginning of a larger, unfortunate trend in the last few episodes: irritatingly repetitive dialog. Characters re-articulate the themes of their respective arcs multiple times, like just in case you missed them the first time around. It's very weird for a show that normally extends A TON of credit to its audience.)

But for all the stuff the writers seem to be doing wrong lately, they're getting one thing right, and that is the evolution of Cercei as something more than a super-evil cunt. In the second-most compelling scene of this episode, she finally expresses doubt about her incestual activities and about her crazy-ass son the King. Shockingly, she spills her guts to Tyrion, who seems as surprised as we are. He tries, and fails, to comfort her while she cries by noting that two out of three of her incest babies don't seem insane at all. "You beat the odds," he says. Yeah, but, like, you really didn't have to buy that scratch ticket, girl.

Finally: the aforementioned dick moves (and no, I'm not talking about Jon Snow's twitchy boner). Jamie Lannister (this is the first most compelling scene, by the way) murders his cellmate and then a guard who checks on him, which ignites a wave of rage among the men in the Stark camp. Cat can't control it, and Robb is away negotiating a treaty with some dude. It becomes clear that Jamie Lannister is gambling his own life against Cat Stark's mercy (and nagging worry that, if Jamie dies, one of her kids will get got in retaliation). And it works: rather than see him killed by her own men, Cat sets Jamie free. Wow, this woman is REALLY TERRIBLE at keeping Lannisters captive! 0-2, Cat! Back up north, Theon calls the townspeople of Winterfell together to show them what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps: he's got two charred bodies that he claims are Bonus Jonas and Rickon the friendly ghost baby. For a moment, it is horrifying. And Maester Luwin's anguished cry when he sees the bodies cut through me like Valyrian steel. But wait: where are My Fair Lady and Hodor? Clearly this is a ruse, and Theon simply murdered some other kids. Move along, people. Nothing to see here. I mean, except for the murder of innocent children, but that's pretty par for the course at this point.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E6: The Muppet Takes Manhattan

Theon Greyjoy calls an audible and marches on Winterfell instead of following his father's orders to, like, just sail around and punch a few people. And he succeeds, in what has to be the most mumblecore takeover ever recorded in (ok, fake) history. Like, he shows up at Bran's bedside and just says, "Hey, can you like, um, yield Winterfell to me?" And Bran is like "Nah." Theon is like, "Man, c'mon, like, don't you see that this is important, and maybe even significant for me?" And Bran is just like, "Whatever." It's straight Duplass brothers--except for the part where Theon (reluctantly) chops off a dude's head.

On Alcatraz, Arya gives us not one but TWO nervewracking set pieces (Girl really carries her weight in an otherwise kind of uneventful episode). 1. Littlefinger visits Tywin Lannister, and thus Arya has to shuck and jive around the shadows so Littlefinger won't ID her while she pours the drinks. It's so tense that I literally couldn't pay attention to anything the two guys were discussing, so I hope it wasn't important. I also can't even remember if Littlefinger saw her, in the end. Shit was THAT stressful! But motherfucker's going to play it so close to the vest anyway that it doesn't even matter if he saw her or not. 2. Later, or maybe it was before, Arya gets caught by some jabroni with a piece of paper she stole from Tywin's room (presumably to covertly send to Robb). She runs desperately for Murder Genie, who shrugs and pulls off another murder in like 30 seconds, just before Tywin's man gets a chance to tattle. It's one of the best, biggest laughs of the series so far. WHOA, IS MURDER GENIE EDGING OUT TYRION AS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER?

No, probably not. In King's Landing, there's word of food shortages. Cercei is all "let them eat cake" and Tyrion is like "seriously, bitch, this is legit." Like a lot of rich folks, Cercei Lannister is only good at shit on her level--see also Mitt Romney's Ohio woes. Then a a funny thing happens on the way to the forum: the cityfolk rise up against King Ladyboy in the streets. He screams for them to be killed, some random priest gets ripped up zombie-movie style, and Sansa nearly ends up gang-raped. Tyrion erupts at Joffrey in righteous fury, slapping him and screaming for him to see JUST how much of a fuckwad he is. It's very baller (even though it probably won't work).

You know what isn't baller, though? What ever is happening to Dany. We saw just a hint of it last time, but today homegirl is POWERMAD like whoa. She's looking for ships and talking about her birthright just like Draco used to do. What happened to just being happy to be a chill Khaleesi and Dragondoula, Dany? It's such a sharp change for her that even other characters seem taken aback. Plus, it ends up feeling like just a cheap way to make Dany deserve some kind of comeuppance, because guess what happens at the end of the episode? Somebody steals her dragons! Oh shit! See what sudden-onset hubris will get you, girl?

Jon and Robb, meanwhile, are having lady troubles. Robb tracks down the slutty nurse from a few episodes ago and is making his move when Cat Stark returns to camp and reminds him that he is betrothed. (Remember how she sold away his hand in marriage to use a bridge?) COCKBLOCKED!

Way up north, the Night's Watch: Special Task Force comes upon a party of Wildlings and kills them. Except one, who turns out to be a cute girl. Jon tells his boss that he'll do the deed, and the rest of them are like, "OK, we're going to hike ahead of you, catch you in a bit?" Dudes, why do that? Unless they think he's going to fuck her before (or maybe after?) decapitation and they want to give him some privacy. Whatever the reason, she gets away. ICEBLOCKED!

Jon chases her and apparently the rest of the NW: STF doesn't think it is important to stop and wait for him or check and see how things are going when he doesn't return for HOURS, so when Jon finally snags her they end up cuddling for warmth as night falls. And even though she's tied up and probably going to die by his hand, girl dry humps him a few times just for kicks. Wildling is right. Get it, girl.

Finally, My Fair Lady shows up to seduce Lord Theon. She's like, "I do what I have to do to get by in the world," and Theon is like "SCHWING!!!" But once she's fucked him into unconsciousness she, Hodor, Bran, and Creepy Ghost Brother escape Winterfell. Boom!

Saddle up for the next few episodes guys, because I'm watching them now and shouting and yelling and generally upsetting my wife while she draws. Shit gets hardcore.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E5: Ghost Protocol

Watching the "previously on" for this episode, I realize I forgot two key-ish things from last time. Theon, now fully in the tank for his family and going to war AGAINST Robb Stark, gets a shitty assignment from his dad--basically to take a fishing boat out and fuck people up just sorta randomly. Man, with military strategy like that, it's hard to believe Papa Grejoy screwed up his first attempt at a rebellion! He's a little like Rick Santorum, where he comes miraculously back from defeat only to fucking lose again the same way and you're like "Oh, right." Guy is doomed, is what I am saying. (Rick Santorum probably also has a lousy relationship with his son, and Rick Santorum's son also probably fucks everything in sight.) (See also, the fascinating story of Narciso Lopez, twice-failed conquerer of Cuba. See also Rick Santorum's recent proclamation that "smart people will never be on [his] side." INDEED.) Secondtively, a few episodes back Arya met a dude who talked kind of funny who she later helped free from a burning cage. I don't know why that is important yet, but it was in the previously on! And you know that shit is always going to come back at you.

SO OKAY: This is some BULLSHIT. Last week, I totally called the Robb/Renly partnership that we now see in reaching the final stages of negotiation. Cat is ready to head out the door with Renly's offer, when the damned Baby Smoke Monster comes in and kills Renly! GHOST MURDER! AHHHHH! Smoke Baby evaporates, as Smoke Babies are wont to do, and suddenly Renly's Knight and head of LGBT outreach is standing over his dead body, sword in hand. Then she's killing the two guys who first pop into the tent and (understandably) accuse her.

Recovering her shit admirably fast (she just watched a damn ghost do a murder), Cat Stark urges the lady knight to flee with her rather than keep fighting, since she won't be able to get revenge if she dies in furious, misdirected outrage (like Mitt Romney, after the Libya thing). So they peace, hopefully to start an extended lesbians-on-the-run-from-the-law b-plot. The next day, in seemingly the same tent, Littlefinger gives Knight One Direction identical advice; dead men avenge no tales. The Wire used to do echoing lines a lot ("I'll take any motherfucker's money if he giving it away") to great effect, drawing parallels between drug dealers and policemen, corrupt politicians and children. What is being suggested here? That Cat and Littlefinger have similarly cunning minds? Or something more?

Renly's army flocks to Stannis, which seems to give him the upperhand over everybody. Tyrion is sweating the numbers, but Cersei argues their financial advantage will save them. Tyrion later discovers that Cersei's been developing chemical weapons, a kind of liquid fire once used by Danaerys's family. She plans to fire it at Stannis's men and ships, and Tyrion is disturbed by this prospect. Stannis has boots on the ground, and the Lannisters are concentrating on fire in the air. It's Organizing For America vs. American Crossroads, right? No?

There's more political allegory to parse at Stannis Meatsauce's HQ. His grizzled old friend, Ron Swanson's dad John Swanson, is concerned about Stannis diluting his own power and authority by over-employing religion. If Neko Case and her Smoke Baby come with them to battle, John Swanson argues, the victory will be hers. Stannis ends up agreeing, but in a way that makes me feel like John Swanson is totally doomed (I mean, he's right and he told the truth. Politically, he's screwed).

Back on Alcatraz, Arya is working for Tywin and they seem to be having fun vaguely threatening each other all day. She runs into the jazzy-talking guy she saved a few episodes ago, and he tells her that because she saved three lives that day, he and his friends owe her three lives back. He's a Murder Genie, essentially. Arya starts small--or maybe she's stilll saving the Lannisters for her own sword, but--she calls for the death of Alcatraz's resident prison torturer. And true to Murder Genie's word, motherfucker gets GOT. I love this guy already, and I want to watch a show where he travels around Westeros, committing benevolent murders.

And in the lovely city of Twin Peaks, Dany is having a grand old time. Parties are being thrown for her, her dragons are healthy, and like, everybody and his brother is proposing marriage to her. OK, well, General Tso from last time wants her to marry him, which will allow him to open a vault, which will allow her to take over Westeros, apparently. But Last Of The Mohicans has a different plan to help Dany conquer Westeros, and she seems to be going with him instead. Which hopefully will not cause General Tso to invoke Lunch Specials on them or some other terrible thing. Seriously, what the fuck is this Qarth place? Why doesn't anybody make any sense? Including Dany, who is suddenly all power hungry! Wasn't that Malfoy's trip, Dany? Why can't you just chill with your dragons and your sexy servants and be cool?

By the way. I'm reading the Game Of Thrones books, now. They're really good! You should read them!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E4: I'm Team Renly

There's a telling scene 2/3 of the way through episode four, the evocatively titled "Garden Of Bones." Stannis and Renly (and Cat Stark) meet in a big field (That's a very bizarre human quirk, by the way--the need to meet up in big, blank spaces when discussing important matters. Why do we do that? Conference rooms are the new big open fields. I'm not sure that's an improvement, but it's going to make my staff meeting tomorrow a lot more fun). The brothers bicker, Stannis's fire priestess talks some mystical shit, and Cat tells the brothers she wants to knock their heads together (luv u Cat). Stannis uses his "chosen by the gods, marinated in seven spices" argument to try to get Renly to fight alongside him, and Renly, scoffing at his brother's new religion, puts his faith in the men who fight for him: He asks Stannis if he sees all of his banners in the distance. Stannis asks if he should trust some bolts of cloth to win him power. Renly replies that no, he rather trusts the men who hold those bolts of cloth. And I kind of love that sentiment? Like a lot. It totally won me over to the forest hipster team. I want to watch Renly's convention speech now.

Robb Stark does some admirable shit, too, but he's settling into more of a Julian Castro role. See, at the start of the episode, we see him mount yet another successful attack on Lannister forces. As his men take prisoners, Robb overrules a general who insists on torturing the captured officers for information. Good! Way to be, Robb. Then he gives some tough love and comfort to a Lannister soldier getting his rotting leg sawed off. Yepp, you're a goodd mann indeedd, Robb! But then, while trying to flirt with the nurse who performed the amputation (yo it takes a special kind of dude to watch a girl sawing someone's leg off and then go "How YOU doin?") Robb admits that he has no desire for the Iron Throne and isn't really sure what will happen once he kills Joffrey. "You'd go to war to depose someone with no plan for what comes next?" the nurse asks, incredulous. "But, we'll be greeted as liberators!" Robb sputters.

But seriously, it seems like we're building toward a Robb/Renly partnership (no, not that kind, Renly!) which I think would be for the best. They're both hip, trendy dudes and they both seem to have decent intentions. I'm declaring myself Team Renly. Maybe I'll fly his banner at the top of my Tumblr or something. I'm not sure how well he's going to do against Baby Smoke Monster, but we'll get to that in a second.

In Winterfell, King Ladyboy is getting comfortable letting his freak flag fly around the capitol. Pointing his fucking crossbow at everything that moves, he sadistically and publicly abuses Sansa for her brother's actions. Luckily Tyrion is also now comfortable exercising his power, so he puts a stop to it and admonishes Joffrey in front of everybody. I worry a little about Tyrion, pushing back so hard against Cersei and her son. Stay safe, buddy!

Bro, ever the optimist, suggests that Joffrey simply needs to get laid. CLASSIC BRO MOVE. But when Tyrion sends some nice ladies to the King's chambers, Joffrey commands them to savagely beat each other. Cool sexual fantasy, Joff! It's hard to understand how this guy became such a twisted punk. His mom likes to get fucked by her relatives, but it she likes to get fucked in a relatively normal, emotionally healthy way. And King Meatsauce didn't seem like a terrible dad. He certainly treated HIS prostitutes kindly! He never had the paid birds and royal bees talk with Ladyboy?

Littlefinger shows up at Renly's camp and strikes out all over the place--first he tries to gossip a little with Forest Queen about Renly being on the down low but she knows enough not to tip her hand. Then a conversation with Cat Stark leads her to pull a knife on him. I thought this guy had game? He saves his ace move for the end though, bringing Cat Stark Ned's remains as a gift. I know that sounds really fucked up and morbid, but in Westeros that's a really nice thing to do. "Hey, I brought you a dead body in a trunk." "OH MY GOD THANK YOU!"

Arya and Gendry and their crew end up in some kind of prison town, where lots of Guantanamo Bay shit goes down while interrogators ask them about The Brotherhood, whatever the fuck that is. If you were freaked out by reading the rat/face-cage scene in 1984, you're going to FUCKING HATE this part. YIKES. The rad part comes when we watch Arya put herself to sleep at night my slowly, purposefully reciting her kill list. YEAH! I can't wait for Arya to avenge some motherfuckers (in probably like ten years). Gendry is about to get the ratbucket treatment himself when the most improbably of all rescuers arrives: Tywin Lannister. He identifies Gendry and Arya's gender and takes them both into his command. I mean, I know this is out of one oven and into another oven, but at least this one is still preheating.

The weirdest plotline in this episode concerns Dany's attempt to enter a mysterious city known as Qarth. She and her team show up, a bunch of cartoonish motherfuckers come out and greet them, and the conversation gets strange and tense and Lynchian like right away. Pretty soon a guy (who I SWEAR introduces himself as "[something something] Ducksauce" is cutting his hand and arguing with a guy who looks like a Simpsons caricature of Rush Limbaugh vacationing in Egypt. Rush doesn't want them in, Ducksauce does, and eventually they are granted entry. Last of The Mohicans is like "This feels tonally off from the rest of the show." And Dany is like "I don't know this could be interesting, give it a chance!"

Finally, Tyrion flips Queen Eyebrow's new lover, Cousin Eyebrow, blackmailing him into feeding him information about the Queen. So that's his counterbalance to showing his strength with King Ladyboy. Tyrion's got a lot of upper hands right now, right? Almost too many. It makes me wonder where his blind spot is, and how far he can take this ascension. (If the Romans are any possibly guide, we could be looking at an I, Claudius situation here, with Ladyboy as Caligula and Tyrion as Claudius. There are more than a few parallels!)  I mean, what could stop him now, other than a smoke monster born from Stannis's sperm from the Fire Priestess's belly? Yeah, that happens too.