BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E7: Your Honor, You're On Her

Episode 7 is called "A Man Without Honor," and while Game Of Thrones has plenty of those, today we're chiefly concerned with Theon Greyjoy and Jamie Lannister, two dudes majorly lacking in that department. So, OK, let's consider for a sec the kind of Shakespearean balancing act this series pulls off when it comes to the merits of honor: Being an honorable man is obviously an objective good like, always. But Ned Stark was an honorable man, and look where that shit got him. Killed! And yet, other, less honorable, folk have been able to effect a lot more positive change since his death. (When they weigh Tyrion Lannister in the balance, he won't be found wanting, you know? And that's not a joke about his size.)

This week we have Theon and Jamie both pulling some major dick moves. But oddly, while Theon's lack of honor distances us from him, Jamie's dick moves are so clever and compelling (and ballsy) that I find myself endeared to him. Dude brutally kills one of his cousins, and yet I was somehow rooting for him. How'd he do that?

It might be because his chief antagonist is Cat Stark, and reading the original book A Game Of Thrones, as I am doing right now, has completely turned me against her. When you have a little more insight into her motivations and thoughts, she comes across as totally self-centered and weirdly unloving, right (or am I the only one this happened to)? Seeing Tyrion and Jon where they are now in the show and reading her shitty treatment of them earlier in the book especially stacks the deck against her. Reading the books and catching up with what you've already seen on the show while still FINISHING the show is kind of problematic, but what can you do? We're here now. This is happening. Winter is coming.

It might also just be that the show seems to be softening toward the non-Tyrion Lannisters anyway. We see a different side of Queen Eyebrow this week, after Sansa has her period for the first time (and after she and Lisbeth Salander fail to hide it from her handlers--she can theoretically bear Ladyboy's children/hooved beasts now, after all). Cercei levels with Sansa: everything about being married off and being forced to have children sucks, except for the children. You will love your kids, and you can try to love your husband, she says. Sansa is either too dumb or too scared to engage with Cercei on a human level, which feels like a smart move right now. But it won't later. Sansa has another weird scene with The Hound, who rather stiffly articulates his raison d'etre. I can't figure out if it's the writing or the acting that is bad here, but it is at least one of them. "Killing is real good," The Hound says, (basically). "I like killing and I don't like things that are not killing." Sansa is like, cool story bro, and we're like NEXT SCENE PLEASE BRO.

Over the wall and through the woods, Jon is still hanging out with the Wildling, and she basically talks about his dick for an entire episode. I'm not even kidding. She notices his erection while they're sleeping (totally natural, Jon! Don't beat yourself off about it!) and proceeds to make an in-depth inquiry into Jon Snow's jerk off schedule (my new band name). And I think maybe loudly talking about dicks is how the Snow Hoboes communicate, because after a while they're set upon by a troop of her compatriots. It makes perfect sense to me that in Game Of Thrones town, you get punished for being a prude. I sort of feel like Jon will figure his way out of being captured, though. His wolf will just show up and eat someone's face and we'll be good.

In fact, it's hard to feel like anybody is particularly threatened at this point in the series. At the end of this episode, something shocking and horrible happens, but I when I watched it I was 90% sure it was a fake-out and I was right. The only thing I'm stressed about is the same thing Tyrion is stressed about: Stannis's forthcoming invasion of King's Landing. (Of course, Tyrion is worried about The Realm, and I'm only worried about Tyrion.) Several times in this episode we see him trying to formulate a plan, but his brain trust only consists of Baldy McNodick and Bro(nn). How fucked is King's Landing that these three dudes seem to be the only ones who care? It's fun to be a fly on the wall of their war room, though, except for a weird beat where Tyrion seems to rather happily endorse the use of the artificial fire that so appalled him a few episodes ago. In later episodes, we'll see him treating the weapons with more gravity again, which makes his temporary giddiness feel all the more like a strange lapse in writing consistency.

SPEAKING OF STRANGE LAPSES IN WRITING CONSISTENCY: DANY. Still in Qarth, the Mother of Dragons is suddenly back to doubting her claim to the throne and all that jazz. I mean, sure, sister was just dealt a pretty major blow to her self esteem when her dragons got kidnapped, but now her obsession with birthright seems even more like a 24 hour flu.* She joins Ducksauce Warbucks at a meeting of The Thirteen, who are essentially the Qarth city council. Or, they were. Because Ducksauce and his bald sorcerer friend Cancer Moby kill all of them and take over. For some reason! Ducksauce was in cahoots with Cancer Moby all along, see, and it turns out they're holding Dany's dragons in some kind of haunted house. SURE, OK! I'm just going to warn you right now: this is going to resolve in a satisfying way, but not one that makes any sense at all. Be ready to be cool with that.

(*Dany seems to literally repeat lines from episodes just after Draco was killed, which is the beginning of a larger, unfortunate trend in the last few episodes: irritatingly repetitive dialog. Characters re-articulate the themes of their respective arcs multiple times, like just in case you missed them the first time around. It's very weird for a show that normally extends A TON of credit to its audience.)

But for all the stuff the writers seem to be doing wrong lately, they're getting one thing right, and that is the evolution of Cercei as something more than a super-evil cunt. In the second-most compelling scene of this episode, she finally expresses doubt about her incestual activities and about her crazy-ass son the King. Shockingly, she spills her guts to Tyrion, who seems as surprised as we are. He tries, and fails, to comfort her while she cries by noting that two out of three of her incest babies don't seem insane at all. "You beat the odds," he says. Yeah, but, like, you really didn't have to buy that scratch ticket, girl.

Finally: the aforementioned dick moves (and no, I'm not talking about Jon Snow's twitchy boner). Jamie Lannister (this is the first most compelling scene, by the way) murders his cellmate and then a guard who checks on him, which ignites a wave of rage among the men in the Stark camp. Cat can't control it, and Robb is away negotiating a treaty with some dude. It becomes clear that Jamie Lannister is gambling his own life against Cat Stark's mercy (and nagging worry that, if Jamie dies, one of her kids will get got in retaliation). And it works: rather than see him killed by her own men, Cat sets Jamie free. Wow, this woman is REALLY TERRIBLE at keeping Lannisters captive! 0-2, Cat! Back up north, Theon calls the townspeople of Winterfell together to show them what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps: he's got two charred bodies that he claims are Bonus Jonas and Rickon the friendly ghost baby. For a moment, it is horrifying. And Maester Luwin's anguished cry when he sees the bodies cut through me like Valyrian steel. But wait: where are My Fair Lady and Hodor? Clearly this is a ruse, and Theon simply murdered some other kids. Move along, people. Nothing to see here. I mean, except for the murder of innocent children, but that's pretty par for the course at this point.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E6: The Muppet Takes Manhattan

Theon Greyjoy calls an audible and marches on Winterfell instead of following his father's orders to, like, just sail around and punch a few people. And he succeeds, in what has to be the most mumblecore takeover ever recorded in (ok, fake) history. Like, he shows up at Bran's bedside and just says, "Hey, can you like, um, yield Winterfell to me?" And Bran is like "Nah." Theon is like, "Man, c'mon, like, don't you see that this is important, and maybe even significant for me?" And Bran is just like, "Whatever." It's straight Duplass brothers--except for the part where Theon (reluctantly) chops off a dude's head.

On Alcatraz, Arya gives us not one but TWO nervewracking set pieces (Girl really carries her weight in an otherwise kind of uneventful episode). 1. Littlefinger visits Tywin Lannister, and thus Arya has to shuck and jive around the shadows so Littlefinger won't ID her while she pours the drinks. It's so tense that I literally couldn't pay attention to anything the two guys were discussing, so I hope it wasn't important. I also can't even remember if Littlefinger saw her, in the end. Shit was THAT stressful! But motherfucker's going to play it so close to the vest anyway that it doesn't even matter if he saw her or not. 2. Later, or maybe it was before, Arya gets caught by some jabroni with a piece of paper she stole from Tywin's room (presumably to covertly send to Robb). She runs desperately for Murder Genie, who shrugs and pulls off another murder in like 30 seconds, just before Tywin's man gets a chance to tattle. It's one of the best, biggest laughs of the series so far. WHOA, IS MURDER GENIE EDGING OUT TYRION AS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER?

No, probably not. In King's Landing, there's word of food shortages. Cercei is all "let them eat cake" and Tyrion is like "seriously, bitch, this is legit." Like a lot of rich folks, Cercei Lannister is only good at shit on her level--see also Mitt Romney's Ohio woes. Then a a funny thing happens on the way to the forum: the cityfolk rise up against King Ladyboy in the streets. He screams for them to be killed, some random priest gets ripped up zombie-movie style, and Sansa nearly ends up gang-raped. Tyrion erupts at Joffrey in righteous fury, slapping him and screaming for him to see JUST how much of a fuckwad he is. It's very baller (even though it probably won't work).

You know what isn't baller, though? What ever is happening to Dany. We saw just a hint of it last time, but today homegirl is POWERMAD like whoa. She's looking for ships and talking about her birthright just like Draco used to do. What happened to just being happy to be a chill Khaleesi and Dragondoula, Dany? It's such a sharp change for her that even other characters seem taken aback. Plus, it ends up feeling like just a cheap way to make Dany deserve some kind of comeuppance, because guess what happens at the end of the episode? Somebody steals her dragons! Oh shit! See what sudden-onset hubris will get you, girl?

Jon and Robb, meanwhile, are having lady troubles. Robb tracks down the slutty nurse from a few episodes ago and is making his move when Cat Stark returns to camp and reminds him that he is betrothed. (Remember how she sold away his hand in marriage to use a bridge?) COCKBLOCKED!

Way up north, the Night's Watch: Special Task Force comes upon a party of Wildlings and kills them. Except one, who turns out to be a cute girl. Jon tells his boss that he'll do the deed, and the rest of them are like, "OK, we're going to hike ahead of you, catch you in a bit?" Dudes, why do that? Unless they think he's going to fuck her before (or maybe after?) decapitation and they want to give him some privacy. Whatever the reason, she gets away. ICEBLOCKED!

Jon chases her and apparently the rest of the NW: STF doesn't think it is important to stop and wait for him or check and see how things are going when he doesn't return for HOURS, so when Jon finally snags her they end up cuddling for warmth as night falls. And even though she's tied up and probably going to die by his hand, girl dry humps him a few times just for kicks. Wildling is right. Get it, girl.

Finally, My Fair Lady shows up to seduce Lord Theon. She's like, "I do what I have to do to get by in the world," and Theon is like "SCHWING!!!" But once she's fucked him into unconsciousness she, Hodor, Bran, and Creepy Ghost Brother escape Winterfell. Boom!

Saddle up for the next few episodes guys, because I'm watching them now and shouting and yelling and generally upsetting my wife while she draws. Shit gets hardcore.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S2E3: The Bachelor And The Bride

I forgot to mention that at the end of the last episode, Jon Snow discovered that Daughter Fucker was discarding his sons in the woods, letting the Predator monster or whatever else is out there take them for a snack or maybe a fuel source. Which means that two episodes in a row now have ended with child murder! (“HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?”-George R.R. Martin, while crip-walking.) And yet the politics are maybe not as transgressive and fun as we (meaning “I”) might like. We see a post-partum Cassie from Skins walking around in this episode, unharmed and shucking corn, so clearly the Sanctity of Life was her primary concern when she appealed to Samwise Gangrene about her bouncing baby boy. Also, I mean: all of the baby-killing has been done so far by our villains. Maybe I’m being oversensitive, it being so close to an election and all, but just once I’d like to see a good guy terminate a pregnancy/infancy, just to even the playing field a little.

The only thing we get approaching that is the talk Jon Snow gets from his boss after the spy shit he pulled on Daughter Fucker gets The Night’s Watchmen ejected from their quarters (Christ, that sentence is probably pretty hard to follow if you’re not actually watching this show). See, Bossman knew about the child-sacrifice and allowed it to continue, because Daughter Fucker was an ally the Night’s Watch needed above the wall. Jon Snow apologizes, seeing the realpolitik big picture at once. IS THAT SO HARD, REPUBLICANS? I’m digging my own child-grave here, I know. Child Murder is not the same as Abortion, so I shouldn’t even engage with this as an allegory. But still!

Back in Winterfell, Bonus Jonas dreams of wandering around in the body of a dire wolf. He asks his old servant/pal (let’s call him Alfred) if there’s any way the dream could be indicating something true, but Alfred tells him that all the animorphs are dead now.  :( :( :(

Elsewhere, it turns out Renly has set up a nice little kingdom for the forest hipsters in his command. Westeros’s own Brooklyn! I mean, seriously y’all, in the space of ten minutes he makes a woman one of his knights and then almost has a threesome with a brother and sister! Very NYT style section. (He married One Direction’s sister, who is cool with all the gay stuff and just wants a potential King’s potential heir in her womb. Cool sister!) Then Cat Stark comes to visit, and Renly seems open to the prospect of teaming up. And yet, he turns down the brother/sister combo. Huh.

Theon Greyjoy is still visiting home, which is always a bad idea. You Can’t Go Home Again, Or Your Dad Will Pull Some Power Trip Shit On You And Your Sister Will Let You Finger Her is one of Thomas Wolfe’s best books for a reason, y’all. But anyway, it sounds like he is going rogue on Robb Stark. BOOOOO! What about all that stirring O Captain My Northern Captain shit? Don’t forget where you came from, Theon! I mean, not originally, but where you came from right after that!

In the Capitol, Tyrion—the best part about this show thirteen episodes running (I mean, the dragons were a potential challenger for a while there but now they’re all dead in the desert with Dany. Presumably, I mean—she doesn’t turn up in this episode at all)—executes a pretty hilarious plan to root out whoever is feeding the Queen information. He tells Little Finger, Baldy McNodick, and Weirdo Old Beardo about his plans to marry off Cersei’s youngest daughter. Thing is, he tells each of them a different prospective husband. So when Cersei busts down his door, livid that her daughter might be married off to some jabroni for political reasons, the same way she was as a young girl (in a bracingly brutal human moment. Cersei is terrified that her daughter would be consigned to her fate and puts aside all artifice to put a stop to it), Beardo is outed as the Queen's informant. So Tyrion cuts off his beard and ships him off to a dungeon. YOU GO TYRION. YOU GET YOURS, MAN. (This episode needs more Lisbeth and Bro, though.)

Okay, so the meme needs a little work

Somebody associated with Stannis’s camp gets himself baptized in the name of one of the competing sets of Gods currently waging a proxy war in Westeros. I don’t really know what the point of this scene or what the deal is with the gods in general  is, but can I gripe about something for a sec? Two times so far this summer, I have been swimming in a lake and looked over to see somebody getting baptized down the beach a ways. How fucking rude is that? I mean, give a guy the common courtesy--some of us don’t want to be getting that secondhand baptism, you know? At least I can take comfort in the fact that the double baptism probably cancelled itself out. Makes sense, right? I mean, makes about as much sense as baptism, right?

Finally, because it wouldn’t be an episode of Game Of Thrones without a kid getting murdered, the King’s Bastard Hunting Party returns to Lil’ Katniss (fine, Arya’s) chain gang. The guy who has been protecting her since Ned’s death dies fighting them off (but not before telling her a long story about the meaninglessness and attendant rage that comes with revenge—the most stirring and dark detail of which is that this guy couldn’t remember his brother’s face nearly so well as the face of the man who killed him) but thanks to a mix-up involving Gendry’s (Chris from Skins’s) horned-helmet, Arya manages to convince the attackers that they’ve already killed King Meatsauce’s bastard. Baller move, Arya!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 5: All The King's Bastards

Wow! Shit just got REAL. I like sitting here cracking jokes, but at the end of this last episode I was fucking STRESSED. Be careful, Ned Stark! Be careful, Carcetti! I guess this shows how non-confrontational I am, but I seriously want them to give up this investigation. Fuck John Arryn, ok? Fuck him. He's dead, guys. Walk away.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 4: Talkin' 'Bout Generation

If the last episode was about talking, then this episode is about listening. Carcetti (OK, Lord Baelish) goes for a walk with Ned Stark and shows him all of the people hired to listen in public spaces. Some of them work for the King, some work for the Queen, some are just freelance ears, and some of them listen for free for the Huffington Post for some reason. Elsewhere Lil' Katniss repeats to her father the many tips she's gleaned from listening to Cesar Milan, The Sword Whisperer. And Brother Fucker is forced to listen to King Meatsauce banging his many paramours. He laughs a lot during sex, huh? That's weird.

Tyrion Lannister returns to Winterfell to do a favor for Bonus Jonas (and also to fuck whores); he's designed a saddle that will allow him to ride horses even though his legs don't work. Is it really just because he has a soft spot for the misfit toys of this world? Or is it guilt? Either way, up by The Wall, Jon Snow is beginning to share Tyrion's supposed soft spot. He tries to protect a new recruit to the Knights of No Sex despite the fact that his boss clearly hates the kid and his friends stupidly fear him, like diabetes and cowardice are literally contagious.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy talks about dragons. I guess they're all dead? That's too bad. Dragons are rad. This chick knows what I'm talking about:

Lord Baelish gives Ned Stark a few leads regarding the death of Jon Arryn (the previous Hand who was likely murdered by the Lannisters) but Ned shrugs off his recommendation to investigate conspicuously. (You should really listen to this guy, Ned. He's from Baltimore! He know the game!) He visits an armory, where he finds...Chris from Skins! YEAH CHRIS! Oh, and in THIS SHOW, he's the King's bastard son.

Back in Dothrakiville, Draco Malfoy has had enough of all the roving warrior shit. He lashes out at his sister, who has also had enough. A lot of enough-having in the Traegaradedaen family, huh?

The tournament that Ned Stark called a needless extravagance goes forward anyway, though it looks pretty low-rent. 

Oh, and guess who gets killed in a joust? A guy who was somehow related to Jon Arryn (it wasn't really explained very well)! That probably means something about the Lannisters' plot! Or maybe not!

Finally, Lady Stark is still travelling home. She stops at a tavern, and who should show up but Tyrion Lannister! ("Oh, Lady Stark! Small world, huh? Get it? SMALL!"-Tyrion Lannister) In a move that will probably prove to be catastrophically stupid, Lady Stark decides to accuse him of Attempted Murder Of A Bonus Jonas right there, in front of everybody. We'll see how this goes, but word travels a lot faster than justice. Even in Game Of Thrones town, where everything takes like five fucking weeks to get anywhere.  Just playing, I luv u Thrones!