BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 10: Bona Dragon

I'll admit to being a little disappointed that this episode doesn't wrap every story of the season up. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, so I guess I shouldn't have expected The War Of The Houses to begin and end in an hour. But still, we have VERY LITTLE to hang our crowns on at the end of this. Except for DANY, NAKED QUEEN OF THE DRAGONS. But we'll get to that.

Ned Stark is dead, and we watch members of his family react. And it is ROUGH. Rob Stark hacking up that tree? OH MAN. I felt EMOTIONS. Cat Stark works out her grief in a similar way, only sub a sword for a rock and a tree for Jamie Lannister's face. So that one is a little less distressing and a little more SUPER SATISFYING. If Ned Stark had to die for Jamie Lannister to get rock-punched in the face, maybe it wasn't in vain. In Winterfell, Bonus Jonas and his new friend My Fair Lady walk around the Stark Family Crypt (my new speed-metal band) imagining how it would feel to have Ned's remains down there. Then that pregoth ghostkid Rickon shows up again. Ugh. Get the fuck out of here, Rickon! Nobody likes you! Then there's something about both weird sons dreaming about Ned's death a priori, like they both have the Shining or some shit, but we see a few minutes later that they're wrong to imagine Ned's remains in the crypt anyway. Ladyboy Lannister is keeping them in his decapitated head garden!

But we're on the upswing after that. The Northern Army declares Rob Stark their King, in a god damn stirring O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN of a scene. Aaron Sorkin fucking WISHES he could still muster this shit. ROB STARK FOR AMERICA. Or Westeros, or whatever.

Meanwhile, Tyrion's daddy issues take one step back and one step forward—Tywin tells him to head to King's Landing, where he will serve as Interim Hand Of The King during the war. That's rad for both Tyrion and Ladyboy. I'd rather have my Doubleuncle serve as my Hand than my Doublegramps. (Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous of how easy the Lannisters have it around the holidays? Your in-laws ARE your parents! One stop shop!) But Daddy's order comes with the caveat that Tyrion can't bring his new ladyfriend Lisbeth Salander. Not that Tyrion follows that rule. PETER PARKER BALLER SHIT!

Meanwhile, as predicted, the Witch Doctor's patented horseblood serum doesn't do much for Khal Drago. Most of the Dothraki regroup and bail, and Dany ends up smothering her lover/vegetable with a pillow. YIKES! Back in King's Landing, that old dude fucks the redhead chick, who's clearly the most in-demand pussy in all of Westeros. When does she get time to sleep? I mean other than during rambling history lessons from her johns?

Lil Katniss gets a haircut and a lesson in the fluidity of gender from that Elliott Smith-looking motherfucker who shielded her from her father's execution last time, and then she finds herself joining a Boys' Camp with all the misfit toys in town. Shit looks grim at first, but then Chris from Skins befriends her. AWESOME! I am psyched about this development.

Dany erects a funeral pyre for Drago, and at what WE THINK is the height of her badassery, cruelly straps the Witch Doctor to it, thwarting her plans to bring the patented horseblood serum to another town of unsuspecting rubes. Auto-da-fé? More like Auto-da-FUCKING BALLER am I right? And then Dany herself walks right into the flames, dragon eggs in tow. Last Of The Mohicans thinks she's dead, but guess what? SHE'S NOT.

AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, time for season 2!