BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 9: The Lion In Winter

Mistah Stark -- he dead.

A penny for the Old Guy.

Cat Stark visits Argus Filch in his castle--he's apparently used his Hogwarts pension to set up a household that resembles the Mexican branch of the Romney clan (Aside: David Bradley is the British Harry Dean Stanton, right? That's basically a 1:1 exchange)--and asks for the right to cross his bridge. You have to pay the troll toll, etc. (Man, in Game Of Thrones town there is basically nothing more logistically difficult than crossing bodies of water. The Dothraki can't even like, fathom it! (GET IT FATHOM LIKE DEPTH!)) He agrees, but not before getting Cat to promise to marry off her remaining eligible (meaning non-crippled) kids to his. At some point we'll need to address what a shitty negotiator Lady Stark is, but there's no time right now. Later, a Lannister scout is caught scoping their ranks and Rob Stark (look at me, getting the names right! Only took nine episodes) finally has his strategic epiphany (we'll get to that in a sec).

But there's some kind of law of physics that at least one Stark family member must be paralyzed with indecision at any given time, so up on the ice wall Jon Snow is having a crisis over whether or not he should leave the Night's Watch and join his family's fight.

Say what you will about the Lannisters, but that shit isn't even a question for them. Tyrion has returned and fully plans on helping the war effort, mostly by dispensing quips and fucking widows I assume. But Papa Lannister has other plans: the front lines. I feel you, Tyrion. One time my dad threw a football at my back to prove to me that I shouldn't be afraid of the ball. He was right, but like, dick move am I right?

Resigned to his probable demise, Tyrion chills with Bro and their new friend Lisbeth Salander and they play drinking games and watch Sandra Bullock movies all night. 

Elsewhere, Khal Drogo has the junkie lean going on while he rides his horse, and there's dissension in the Dothraki ranks that his wounds are making him unfit to lead. Rather than backtrack from her Witch Doctor-loving path, Daenerys doubles down on Magick and persuades the witch to perform a powerful revival spell, one that involves slitting a horse's throat. Seems like a solid plan, I'm sure Khal will be back on his hooves in no time. And then Dany goes into labor.

Back at the front, the Game Of Thrones producers pull a Hobbit-style copout. Tyrion gets knocked out by one of his own men and wakes up to find the battle over. Booooo! Also: Point Lannisters! 

OH BUT WAIT: it turns out they'd been expecting to encounter 20,000 men, but only 2 boxes of ziti showed up to the fight. Where were the rest of Rob's gang? Capturing Brother Fucker! OH SHIT.

But it can't all be fun and war games. Back in King's Landing, Lil' Katniss is making a semiliving as a street urchin when she hears that Ned Stark is being brought forward to confess. Here's when my heart, like Rob Stark's army, broke in two, sending a decoy division up to my throat and the rest to the bottom of my stomach. Ned piteously confesses to imaginary treason, choosing family over honor. But Ladyboy Lannister announces that there will be none of the mercy Ned was promised. Katniss is shielded by one of Ned's few remaining friends and Sansa is left to watch in horror as her father is beheaded. 

Damn. We KNEW this was going to happen--in part because all the stars aligned for it and in part because Ned was portrayed by Sean Bean and also in part because avoiding spoilers is a fool's errand in this lousy world of ours--but that doesn't mean it isn't a total drag.