Theon Greyjoy calls an audible and marches on Winterfell instead of following his father's orders to, like, just sail around and punch a few people. And he succeeds, in what has to be the most mumblecore takeover ever recorded in (ok, fake) history. Like, he shows up at Bran's bedside and just says, "Hey, can you like, um, yield Winterfell to me?" And Bran is like "Nah." Theon is like, "Man, c'mon, like, don't you see that this is important, and maybe even significant for me?" And Bran is just like, "Whatever." It's straight Duplass brothers--except for the part where Theon (reluctantly) chops off a dude's head.
On Alcatraz, Arya gives us not one but TWO nervewracking set pieces (Girl really carries her weight in an otherwise kind of uneventful episode). 1. Littlefinger visits Tywin Lannister, and thus Arya has to shuck and jive around the shadows so Littlefinger won't ID her while she pours the drinks. It's so tense that I literally couldn't pay attention to anything the two guys were discussing, so I hope it wasn't important. I also can't even remember if Littlefinger saw her, in the end. Shit was THAT stressful! But motherfucker's going to play it so close to the vest anyway that it doesn't even matter if he saw her or not. 2. Later, or maybe it was before, Arya gets caught by some jabroni with a piece of paper she stole from Tywin's room (presumably to covertly send to Robb). She runs desperately for Murder Genie, who shrugs and pulls off another murder in like 30 seconds, just before Tywin's man gets a chance to tattle. It's one of the best, biggest laughs of the series so far. WHOA, IS MURDER GENIE EDGING OUT TYRION AS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER?
No, probably not. In King's Landing, there's word of food shortages. Cercei is all "let them eat cake" and Tyrion is like "seriously, bitch, this is legit." Like a lot of rich folks, Cercei Lannister is only good at shit on her level--see also Mitt Romney's Ohio woes. Then a a funny thing happens on the way to the forum: the cityfolk rise up against King Ladyboy in the streets. He screams for them to be killed, some random priest gets ripped up zombie-movie style, and Sansa nearly ends up gang-raped. Tyrion erupts at Joffrey in righteous fury, slapping him and screaming for him to see JUST how much of a fuckwad he is. It's very baller (even though it probably won't work).
You know what isn't baller, though? What ever is happening to Dany. We saw just a hint of it last time, but today homegirl is POWERMAD like whoa. She's looking for ships and talking about her birthright just like Draco used to do. What happened to just being happy to be a chill Khaleesi and Dragondoula, Dany? It's such a sharp change for her that even other characters seem taken aback. Plus, it ends up feeling like just a cheap way to make Dany deserve some kind of comeuppance, because guess what happens at the end of the episode? Somebody steals her dragons! Oh shit! See what sudden-onset hubris will get you, girl?
Jon and Robb, meanwhile, are having lady troubles. Robb tracks down the slutty nurse from a few episodes ago and is making his move when Cat Stark returns to camp and reminds him that he is betrothed. (Remember how she sold away his hand in marriage to use a bridge?) COCKBLOCKED!
Way up north, the Night's Watch: Special Task Force comes upon a party of Wildlings and kills them. Except one, who turns out to be a cute girl. Jon tells his boss that he'll do the deed, and the rest of them are like, "OK, we're going to hike ahead of you, catch you in a bit?" Dudes, why do that? Unless they think he's going to fuck her before (or maybe after?) decapitation and they want to give him some privacy. Whatever the reason, she gets away. ICEBLOCKED!
Jon chases her and apparently the rest of the NW: STF doesn't think it is important to stop and wait for him or check and see how things are going when he doesn't return for HOURS, so when Jon finally snags her they end up cuddling for warmth as night falls. And even though she's tied up and probably going to die by his hand, girl dry humps him a few times just for kicks.
Wildling is right. Get it, girl.
Finally, My Fair Lady shows up to seduce Lord Theon. She's like, "I do what I have to do to get by in the world," and Theon is like "SCHWING!!!" But once she's fucked him into unconsciousness she, Hodor, Bran, and Creepy Ghost Brother escape Winterfell. Boom!
Saddle up for the next few episodes guys, because I'm watching them now and shouting and yelling and generally upsetting my wife while she draws. Shit gets hardcore.
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