BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S3E03: Hand To God

First of all, I want to give a hand to The Hold Steady--their rendition of "The Bear And The Maiden Fair" closes out this episode with a blast of bravado, bringing Game Of Thrones to Mad Men-like levels of swagger. This show knows how good it is, and that is always an exhilarating thing to watch. This is some DONDA shit, and I love it.

And--not suggest anything too meta, but--that awareness of greatness is trickling down into a few characters as well. In Riverrun, where Robb, Cat, and a few significant-seeming relatives thereof are gathered to give Cat's dad a viking funeral, Robb is in full effect. He's chuckling at Ugly Ryan Reynolds, who can't shoot a fire arrow straight, and then he's laying down the law to the same jabroni (I think he's Cat's brother), who presumes to know more about military strategy than Robb. You don't doubt the Young Wolf, Ugly Ryan Reynolds! He's the motherfucking King In The North!

In Astapor, Dany is finding it hard to be humble as well. While Last Of The Mohicans and new staffer Ser Barista Selfie banter to and fro about whether or not it is wise to buy a slave army (standing at opposite shoulders, angel-and-demon style), our girl D is calm as hell and barely listening. She goes to the head slaveseller Dennis Feinstein and makes a baller offer: one of her dragons for 10,000 or so Unsullied eunuch soldiers. Her advisors predictably lose their shit, and she tells them to shut the fuck up. Trust Khaleesi, y'all. That's all I'm gonna say. Trust Khaleesi.

And in this episode's third swaggerific sequence, Tyrion hooks up his squire Podrick with three whores and a bag of gold as a reward for saving his life last season. When Podrick returns from the brothel with the gold sack undrained, Tyrion and Bronn are hysterically forced to confront the revelation that Podrick is apparently an expert lover. Prostitutes literally won't take his money! Podrick Payne: Fuck Jedi. (House Payne: Winter Is Cumming) "We're going to need details," Tyrion says, pulling up a chair.

Other big stuff: Tywin appoints Tyrion as the new Master Of Coin, because Littlefinger is leaving town to propose marriage to Cat's crazy sister Lysa. Good luck with that shit, Littlefinger.

Whether this has any impact on his promises to rescue Sansa remains to be seen. Anyway, Tyrion's new gig supplies the episode's nebulous topical touchstone: the economy, stupid! Tyrion explains the nature of foreign debt to Bronn--it's bad, see. A little reductive, but maybe I'm wrong to be looking for serious policy discussions in Game of Thrones.

Above the wall, Jon Snow and a few others get a special mission from Mance Rayder: climb the wall. Oh, sure thing, Mance! It's only 700 feet of sheer ice, I'll just shimmy right the fuck up! Somewhere else above the wall, the surviving members of the Night's Watch return to Daughter Fucker's house. And guess who is giving birth when they get there? Cassie from Skins! Yay! Congrats, Cassie! It's a boy! Oh, shit. That's not good. (P.S. Between this show and the movie Friends With Kids, this is the second time in as many days that I have been confronted with baby penises on my TV screen. Enough is enough! And was Cassie's anguished braying tough to listen to or what? From the other room my wife asked me if something was wrong with our cat. I was wearing headphones.)

So: any theories on what the deal is with Theon? Has he time-jumped or something? This week, he is freed from his torture rack by a mysterious young man who reminds him that winter is coming. Is that Future-Rickon or Future-Brann helping him out, mayhaps? Or is that totally insane? I suspect it is, but--and I don't think it is a spoiler to say this--I am well beyond what will be the end of Season 3 in A Storm Of Swords, and none of this Theon shit is in there at all. I am as in the dark as the rest of you.

Not much else to note about this episode. It had a lot of comedic business in there! Also, I was weirdly moved watching Gendry say goodbye to Hot Pie. What a great scene! Joe Dempsie is wonderful. This series better end with Gendry somehow ending up King (Jesus, don't tell me in the comments if that really happens at some point. I'm finishing up ASOS right now and ALL BETS ARE THE FUCK OFF). Oh yeah. One more thing:

Sorry, I couldn't help tipping my hand (a few times) last week. So, what happens is, Jamie and Brienne are captives to some weirdos vaguely associated with the North (it's hard to suss out exactly which new characters are on which side, because none of them are really on ANYBODY's side--a point that I think is not sufficiently driven home by the show just yet) and Jamie makes one of his trademark rhetorical plays for freedom. And just when it seems like he's talked his way out of his chains, Django-style, some asshole chops off his hand. Holy shit! It is wonderfully sudden and suitably gross. (I bet that hand-chopping dude is kicking himself for having such a lame line when he did it, though. "PERHAPS THIS WILL HELP YOU REMEMBER!" -Why would that help him remember? Remember what? I guess I shouldn't expect a lot of coherence from a guy who cuts off hands.) I don't know how to feel about it, though. In some weird way I am sympathetic to Jamie. He's such a fuckwad, but he's a charming fuckwad, you know? And by now he's OUR fuckwad. Maybe the missing hand will make him more endearing. Especially if he replaces it with a hook!