BLOGGING GAMES OF THRONES, S3E1: Paint A Vulgar Picture

Hey gang! Welcome back to Westeros, where the slots are loose, the women are friendly, and--just a stone's throw away, down at the docks in Astapor--somebody is usually stabbing a baby! I'm your host, Zachary Little, and here's where our players are at in this third inning of America's new pastime,  Throne Gaming.

We pick up above the wall, where we last saw an army of abominable skeletor-type motherfuckers descending upon poor Samwise Gangrene. Lucky for him, he somehow managed to escape, and here is reunited with the surviving members of the Night's Watch. They're looking worse for wear, though not necessarily more than usual. Jon Snow's second surrogate father, Old Beardo, immediately berates Samwise for failing to send warning messages back home. Well, if we're being honest, I'm not really sure anybody in Westeros would have given a shit. Undead armies are like Climate Change to Westerosi politicos--they won't believe in it until it literally kills them personally.

Nonetheless, the remaining Watchmen head south, determined to warn the public about the white walkers which are, I'd have to assume, further south than they are this point anyway. Right? So this might not be the soundest plan.

Further North, Jon Snow, now a sorta-double agent among the Wildlings, meets his third surrogate father, Mance Rayder. He's the King Beyond The Wall, but for a king he's pretty casual--when Jon Snow gets all kneely and worshipful Mance is like, "Bro, chill." But Mance would like to know why Jon went rogue, and Jon gives him an only semi-sensical explanation that involves being mad at Beardo for abiding Daughter Fucker's (remember Daughter Fucker?) child sacrifice. Now, the point of that earlier scene was recognizing the necessity of bargaining in real-world political environments, so I guess that means Jon Snow is a libertarian now. Which is good enough for Mance Rayder, so OK.

Back in the civilized world, Tyrion is admiring his Michael K. Williams-style facial scar in a mirror when Queen (Regent) Eyebrow comes a-knocking. We are reminded of three things: 1. Tyrion is displaced and in disfavor now that his father has finally taken over as Hand of the King 2. Tyrion's wound did not come from a legitimate enemy but rather from a Lannister loyalist, and 3. Tyrion and Cercei like to trade quips. Then Bronn shows up, and you know, is a baller.

And then--guess who is alive? Theon? Nope, probably not! But Ron Swanson's grandfather is! Last we saw him, a boat full of fire-kryptonite was blowing up directly in front of his face, so it's pretty crazy that he managed to survive, but there you are, and there he is! Black Jack Sparrow finds him shortly after we do, picking him up from the comically small island on which he has been stranded. Then he tries to talk him out of returning to Stannis--the would-be king is in a bad mood since his bad defeat, and the Red Lady has gone full Yoko--but Jon Swanson is determined to see his bro again. And guess what? It doesn't go very well. After a half-assed attempt at assassinating Redhead Von Shadowpussy, Jon Swanson finds himself dragged to the dungeons. Oh well!

At the end of season 2, we got a couple of scenes that played like do-overs, like the writers felt like they hadn't drilled something home enough and tried again. Dany had a few speeches where she made identical self-discoveries, etcetera. Here we get another mulligan, when Robb Stark, his men, his new wife, and his mom come upon a Stark fort and find everybody inside dead. This sight apparently reminds Robb that his mother freed Jamie Lannister, and he orders her to a cell. Did you actually like, forget, Robb? We got no scenes with Arya and Gendry for this?

Back in King's Landing, Tyrion talks to his dad, who is, it turns out, a major dick. Remember when he and Arya were having all that cat and mouse fun back in Harrenhall? None of that here. Just unabashed dickishness, nothing more. And speaking of unabashed dicks, Joffrey is mortified when his newly betrothed, Margaery, gets out of her litter in the middle of a dirty street to go visit some orphans. At dinner later, he and his mother are baffled to hear that Marge and her brother One Direction do charity work routinely. "Wait, you help poor people? For WHAT? I mean, they can't give you any money, can they?"-Lannisters

Elsewhere, Dany and her dragons visit a slaveport, which appears to be Ser Jorah's idea. He thinks slavery is like, the coolest thing since sliced bread, but it makes Dany uneasy. Still, she's got no other way to gather an army (does she even have this way? Like, where'd she get money?) so she listens to the sales pitch of guy selling eunuch soldiers called "The Unsullied." Their training regimen, it turns out, basically consists of all the censored scenes from the NIN video for "Closer." And it seems to work; as Offer Shlomi points out, you can chop a nipple off these guys and they don't even flinch. Dany could fuck some shit up in a big way with a few thousand of these guys, which might be interesting. As she walks back to the dock, she survives another murder attempt, this time from a little J-horror girl probably sent from whoever is still alive in Qarth. She is saved by Some Guy, who turns out to be a character we should maybe remember from earlier? He introduces himself like, "Yes, mother of dragons, it is I, Some Guy!" and the music swells like Ohhhh! Some Guy has finally appeared! And the episode ends.

So that's that! No Lil Katniss, nor Bonus Jonas, nor Huck Lannister and Lady Brienne on their raft, nor Meltyface, nor Fucking Theon (RIP?). Not a whole lot happening at all, right now, in fact! But that is how the game is played. You gotta take some time to move the pieces into place before the pieces can have sex with and murder each other. As true in chess as it is in life. See you next week!