BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S3E06: Chaos Is A Ladder, Love Is A Rope

Recently I heard somebody talking about the essence of the modern GOP strategy: faced with a crushing defeat in 2008, they were so at a loss as to what to do that the only option was to just act like they'd won. It worked, mostly, and it reminds me a little of what Melisandre is up to in this episode. I mean, lady just marches into the Doctors Without Borders camp and takes Gendry for a couple bags of money. What? Who do you think you are, Melisandre?

Thoros (who is Red Priest just like her, if that wasn't clear before now), who has just demonstrated his theological superiority, doesn't say a damn thing. Gendry JUST pledged to your frat, bro. At least ask her a few questions, and then maybe you'll realize she's the one who just got her red ass handed to her by Tyrion Lannister on Blackwater Bay. With a buttload of FIRE, no less. RED FLAG, RED PRIEST! She is not a winner, Thoros. Gendry is a winner! You shoulda done right by him, you knockoff Robinhood motherfucker.

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ANYWAY, yeah, that is one of the things that happens in this episode. The Red Lady kidnaps Gendry because Baratheon blood flows through his veins, and she needs to blood dope Stannis to get him back up to shadow-baby-conceiving condition. I mean, that is probably what is going to happen. But strictly speaking, none of this is in the book. So who knows what the fuck is going on really.

Elsewhere: Jon Snow and Ygritte take a nerve-jangling climb to the top of the wall. After an avalanche of sorts leaves them hanging in mid-air, Gareth from The Office (the UK Office, that is, so, The Ouffice) makes the tough decision (very quickly, I might add!) to cut 'em loose. But Jon gets a handhold at the last minute and he and his lady pull themselves up and survive. So, like, shit's going to be awkward between them and Gareth now, huh? Yikes. When they get to the top, there is honestly a very beautiful and tender moment between our lovers. Like, that Collective Soul song would almost work, unironically, under that scene. How much do you love Ygritte's Jon Snow impression, by the way?

In King's Landing, everybody is having awkward conversations. Tywin and Lady Olenna (two heavyweights of verbal gymnastics) spar over the plan to wed Cercei to Knight One Direction. She plays the "old" card, he plays the "gay" card, she plays the "incest card." This is going to be a fun wedding! Elsewhere, Tyrion steels himself for the task of dashing Sansa's hopes and dreams--I mean what few she had left--to fucking dust. I really liked seeing Tyrion and Cercei having another moment of detente, as they contemplated their collectively sorry fate. Those moments are rare, but always interesting and very well-acted.

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There's also a FOURTH wedding being planned (The first three being Cercei/Loras, Tyrion/Sansa, and Joffrey/Margery for those keeping score at home) but don't even for a second think this is shaping up to be a bunch of goofy Shakespearean merriment. If that were the case, Roz would still be lingering on the sidelines of the action, offering witty commentary, instead of where she ends up in this episode--tied to a bedpost and pumped full of arrows (thanks to Littlefinger's new side-business as a Dexter's Dad). RIP, Roz. The Ann Perkins of Westeros is no more. Anyway, Wedding #4: Cat's brother, Ugly Ryan Reynolds, gets promised off to another of Walder Frey's kids in the do-over version of the last treaty, thus keeping Robb's Coalition Of The Northern Willing together. Robb once again laments that for all this success in battle, everything seems to ride on who is having lawful sex with whom.

But isn't that kind of a beautiful thing, in a way? I love when Ygritte explains to Jon the point of all her teasing: he's focused on war and loyalty when he should be focused on sex and love. All the other shit is extraneous. War and loyalty are the only things Starks understand, and that's why nothing ever goes their way. They gotta get with the times; out with the ice and in with the fire!

Of course, Ygritte's speech takes second place to Littlefinger's final monologue about chaos and power. It's a terrifying thing to glimpse the depths of that guy's evil cunning; even Varys seems taken aback, and he keeps a mutilated priest in a box! When you make that guy blush, you know you're throne gaming it with the best of them.

Oh, and of course there is another elliptical Theon scene in which Asshole Hobbit reveals new information only to walk it back yet again, leaving Theon in exactly the same spot he has been in all season, give or take a finger. What the fuck is this shit, guys? Why include such a deliberately antagonizing plotline? When the DVD comes out, I hope there is a Twilight-esque special feature where you can watch the episodes with the Theon stuff edited out. Shit, that is a good idea. Somebody get David Benioff on the phone! (I just googled him to make sure I spelled his name right. Did you know he's married to Amanda Peet?)