BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E07: Maybe Sparrow It's Too Late

Over the last few weeks, I've been re-watching Game Of Thrones, from the beginning, with my wife (who held out until very recently from the bloody allure of this show). I have to say that my sense of the cascading consequences of the War Of The Five Kings is much stronger now. Did you know that Qyburn was the last survivor at Harrenhal, and was rescued by Robb Stark? Doesn't that alter your perspective on whatever he's doing to Gregor Clegane (who killed everybody else at Harrenhal) right now?

But it seems like everybody's sense of cascading consequences in general is sharper now, thanks to Cersei, who we have watched sprint full speed into a self-constructed brick wall over the last seven episodes. It's not so much that she made a series of bad decisions so much as she made one single catastrophic decision (to give weapons and power to religious extremists) and then did not stop to reconsider or correct herself at fifty or sixty crucial junctures. She walked blithely past every emergency exit, and now she's trapped. I wonder if Ayatollah Price will make her share a cell with Queen Marge? That would be a lot of fun.

Speaking of cells, what's with the disparity between Jaime's luxury suite at the Burj Dorne and Bro(nn)'s prison cell? I mean, I know that Bro(nn) gets to have girls showing him their boobs all day long, but what about the other amenities?! Poor Jaime, meanwhile, has decided to be a stealth father to his daughter just in time for her moody teen years. Terrible timing, Jaime. Is your watch ALSO missing a hand?

Up North, Maester Aemon passes away--the penultimate Targaryen now gone from this earth. Well, not this earth, necessarily. That earth, wherever Westeros is. Anyway, RIP good buddy. Of course, his death comes just after Jon departs, taking with him Tormund Giantsbane, a few of Stannis's ships, and the angry glares and ill-wishes of roughly half the Night's Watch. So you know, maybe he could have hung on a little longer for Sam and Gilly's sake. They're going to have a rough go of it. 

Not as rough as Sansa, of course, who is now sporting some sickening bruises and is stressed out enough to try and trust Theon again, asking him to bring a distress message to her loyal Northern folk. Bad idea! Never trust Theon! Just kill Theon! He rats her out to Ramsey, and the fierce old lady who made a show of solidarity with Sansa last week gets brutally killed for it. But you know, Brienne is nearby and Sansa has a corkscrew now, so maybe they'll figure it out? Maybe?

The major action happens with Tyrion and Jorah, who are sold and taken to a fighting pit in Mereen. "But Zac," you say,  "Dany stopped all the slavery in Mereen, did she not?" Well, their owner gives them one coin each, which makes them "not slaves" if not exactly free men. And if that depresses you, well, let's just say you should probably mute the term "Clinton Foundation" on your Twitter app. 

Twist after twist piles up after that, like a car accident on the freeway caused by M. Night Shyamalan. Dany turns out to be making the rounds to this very fighting pit, and so Jorah storms out there and kicks some ass. When he reveals himself to Dany, she's as cold as ever, asking for him to be removed from her sight. And THEN Tyrion breaks out at the last minute, and introduces himself to Danaerys. That's right--the ultimate team up just happened. And it happened so abruptly that I still feel like I haven't processed it. Dany and Tyrion together. What more do we even want? Should the show maybe just end, right now?

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E06: Unbowed, Unbent, Uninteresting

So, Amanda Marcotte has an article at RawStory breaking down the arguments against the Rape Of Sansa Stark in last week's episode. Her case, that to include the rape was honest and necessary storytelling, is predicated upon the idea that Game Of Thrones is in fact telling us all a grand, intelligent, meaningful story. And to that, I say: we'll see.

I like Game Of Thrones, but I don't know for sure if it is smart. I don't know for sure if it is building to something meaningful. I don't know for sure that any of it was particularly planned out in advance other than a vague and potentially long-abandoned idea for an endgame. Both the show and the books have an occasional air of, "Well, let's just try this, then!" that has only intensified as both have continued. (A Dance With Dragons is a bizarre reading experience, as you get to read GRRM both throwing things at walls AND deciding which haven't stuck in the course of just a few hundred pages. Shoutout to Quentyn Martell.)

And all of that is fine! Not every show has to be smarter than its viewers! We had Mad Men for that! But it also means that maybe some decisions are boneheaded and cruel and there's no particular excuse for them. Maybe! We'll see.

This week, Arya keeps working away at the dead body assembly line. They bring the bodies, she cleans them, they take them away. She doesn't know where the bodies go. It's an overactive metaphor for the alienation of labor, and she's sick of it. The working Aryas of the world have nothing to lose but their names.

Tyrion accidentally breaks the news to Jorah Mormont that his father is dead--remember him? The Old Bear, who long ago mentally replaced Jorah with Jon Snow anyway? Well, if you'd forgotten about him, there was a good 30 seconds in the stupid "previously on" making sure you understand the familial relationship. How do Sansa Rape Apologists (SRAs) reconcile the grand intelligence of Game Of Thrones with the groan-inducing previously ons?

After that, Tyrion and Jorah are captured by Slavers, who are played by black actors, which is progressive, right? Or is it bad, because Slavers are the worst possible sub-humans imaginable? It must have been a tough call at the Game Of Thrones PR department (which consists entirely of David Benioff's baseball cap and a burner cellphone elastic-banded together in a shoebox in Croatia). Either way, one of them speaks what is certainly the funniest line so far on the show: "The Dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant."

In King's Landing, the Family Research Council puts Loras Tyrell on trial. It's about as ridiculous and reminiscent of an Alabama courtroom as you'd expect, and by the end of it, Queen Marge is indicted for perjury, too. Cersei smiles, as if this runaway train of terror she set in motion is something she can control in any way. To paraphrase Don Draper--Cersei, you weren't raised with Jesus. You don't know what happens to people when they believe in things. (Damn, that Mad Men finale was so good.)

In Dorne, Bronn and Jaime and the Sand Snakes all simultaneously enact their plans for rescue and revenge, nobody succeeds, and everybody gets captured. The only thing worthwhile about it was the outfits. And then in Winterfell, Ramsay marries Sansa and then rapes her. Ugh. What will happen next? We'll see. Claire McCaskill won't, but she can always read my recaps!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E05: The Walking Dead

Are you all watching Game Of Thrones on HBONow, now? How much do you hate these god-damned previously-ons they've been running before the episodes? Gah! Game Of Thrones is supposed to be superior to such narrative crutch-deployment! If Jaqen H'ghar is going to make a surprise re-appearance, I neither need nor want an old clip of him twenty minutes before he shows up! C'mon, son! I've taken to skipping them entirely, and looking away from the TV screen while I do.

That said, I adore the True Detective Season 2 trailer that's been preceding the god-forsaken previously-ons, and cannot wait for that series to return. Why is Tim Riggins holding back tears as he walks away from that fight? I'm so intrigued! What a compelling image! What a great show! 

Anyway, how to you feel about HBONow's web browser UI? I think it's OK, but maybe a little clunky in terms of navigation. I like the quick ramp-up to HD video and find it faster than most streaming platforms. Is middle-out real? Is that how it's working? Speaking of which, you guys like Silicon Valley this season? I think it's rad that they're giving Kumail Nanjiani and Martin Starr more to do. I also feel like VEEP really kicked into gear this week, with Anna Chlumsky's big freakout and the addition of Hugh Laurie. 

Listen, I'm really going out of my way to avoid writing about this episode, which mostly focused on the Boltons and was thus worthless to me. They're assholes--what more do you want to know? There's been plenty of hay already made of the contrasting parenting styles of Stannis and Roose Bolton. Suffice it to say that Sansa's smirk after Ramsay hears that he's about to have a baby brother was the only redeeming moment. 

As for the too-brief, non-Bolton sections:

• Grey Worm lives! Pour one out for Ser Barista. But Grey Worm lives!
• Tyrion sees a dragon! That was a lovely moment, grimy though the surroundings were.
• Stannis marches out! Gilly's subtle wave to his daughter was heartbreaking. 
• Now there are bad guys called Stonemen, and they kind of work like zombies!
• Jorah Mormont got bitten! Of course he did!

Jon Snow's story is growing ever-more parallel to Daenarys's, right? They're both making unpopular decisions trying to save a foreign population, trapped as they are by their unflinching moral compasses. They both still let themselves get a little righteous vengeance every now and then, and it's awesome when they do, but it's little comfort compared to the crushing weight of doing the right thing. Doing the right thing is hard, and in Westeros it's usually impossible. It will be interesting to see where each of them goes from here. Maybe next week,  Jon Snow will have to arrange himself a quickie political marriage to Tormund Giantsbane!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E04: Machine Gun Preacher

There's never been a lousier week to be a prostitute in the Seven Kingdoms, eh? In King's Landing, they've got Cersei inciting the fucking crusades in their backyard, and in Mereen they've got the Sons Of The Harpy STILL using them as bait ("This play again? Really?"-Prostitutes). Paychecks are gonna be light, ladies!

This episode was rad. We had two great battle scenes, several nutty developments, a lovely scene between Stannis and his daughter, and the first appearance of Sassy Dany in weeks, if not months. There was also a big nod to the prevailing Game Of Thrones endgame theory L+R=J, but we'll let the nerds fight that aspect out among themselves. I don't care about anything except for my dudes Grey Worm and Ser Barista Selfie, and I sincerely hope they survive their brutal encounter with the Sons Of The Harpy, AKA the least fun guests at the Eyes Wide Shut party. 

Bronn and Jaime sneak into Dorne, which is, if nothing else, going to lead to some beautiful imagery. And I mean actual pretty images, and not just interesting blood patterns on sand. Although we're going to get plenty of that, I am sure. Our bros are in town, as you recall, to retrieve Myrcella (AKA the Myrc With The Mouth) from Ricky Martell's (RIP) family. But this week, we learn that Ricky's surviving mistresses and illegitimate daughters want to get at Myrcella too. (Probably would have been easy if they'd stayed in town, where she is, instead of hanging out on a sand dune in the middle of nowhere, but what do I know?)

Tyrion takes a quick glance at Jorah's jacket and almost immediately figures out who he is, what's happened to him, and what his shaky next move is. I knew Tyrion was smart, but I didn't know he was THAT smart. And, of course, I knew Jorah was dumb, but...well, OK, I guess I knew he was this dumb.

Tommen has a rough week. After Cersei loses what remained of her mind and deputizes Focus On The Family as the newest police force in King's Landing, they wild out and arrest Knight One Direction for being too sexy. Tommen tries to be a good dude and spring him from whatever confession booth they've got him tied up in, but is powerless among the True Believers, and subsequently on the outs with his hot wife. It's a lot of fun watching Queen Marge try to hide her frustration with her basic bitch of a husband, though. Natalie Dormer is great at "my slapping hand itches"-type acting.

Up in the increasingly cold, increasingly depopulated North, Jon Snow once again affirms his fidelity to the Night's Watch as well as his boner for redheads. Littlefinger leaves Sansa with a wing and a prayer and a creepy little kiss, and Stannis turns out to be an adorably loving father. But I've been Team Stannis for a long time now. I don't know where the rest of y'all have been. Welcome home.