BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S5E04: Machine Gun Preacher

There's never been a lousier week to be a prostitute in the Seven Kingdoms, eh? In King's Landing, they've got Cersei inciting the fucking crusades in their backyard, and in Mereen they've got the Sons Of The Harpy STILL using them as bait ("This play again? Really?"-Prostitutes). Paychecks are gonna be light, ladies!

This episode was rad. We had two great battle scenes, several nutty developments, a lovely scene between Stannis and his daughter, and the first appearance of Sassy Dany in weeks, if not months. There was also a big nod to the prevailing Game Of Thrones endgame theory L+R=J, but we'll let the nerds fight that aspect out among themselves. I don't care about anything except for my dudes Grey Worm and Ser Barista Selfie, and I sincerely hope they survive their brutal encounter with the Sons Of The Harpy, AKA the least fun guests at the Eyes Wide Shut party. 

Bronn and Jaime sneak into Dorne, which is, if nothing else, going to lead to some beautiful imagery. And I mean actual pretty images, and not just interesting blood patterns on sand. Although we're going to get plenty of that, I am sure. Our bros are in town, as you recall, to retrieve Myrcella (AKA the Myrc With The Mouth) from Ricky Martell's (RIP) family. But this week, we learn that Ricky's surviving mistresses and illegitimate daughters want to get at Myrcella too. (Probably would have been easy if they'd stayed in town, where she is, instead of hanging out on a sand dune in the middle of nowhere, but what do I know?)

Tyrion takes a quick glance at Jorah's jacket and almost immediately figures out who he is, what's happened to him, and what his shaky next move is. I knew Tyrion was smart, but I didn't know he was THAT smart. And, of course, I knew Jorah was dumb, but...well, OK, I guess I knew he was this dumb.

Tommen has a rough week. After Cersei loses what remained of her mind and deputizes Focus On The Family as the newest police force in King's Landing, they wild out and arrest Knight One Direction for being too sexy. Tommen tries to be a good dude and spring him from whatever confession booth they've got him tied up in, but is powerless among the True Believers, and subsequently on the outs with his hot wife. It's a lot of fun watching Queen Marge try to hide her frustration with her basic bitch of a husband, though. Natalie Dormer is great at "my slapping hand itches"-type acting.

Up in the increasingly cold, increasingly depopulated North, Jon Snow once again affirms his fidelity to the Night's Watch as well as his boner for redheads. Littlefinger leaves Sansa with a wing and a prayer and a creepy little kiss, and Stannis turns out to be an adorably loving father. But I've been Team Stannis for a long time now. I don't know where the rest of y'all have been. Welcome home.