BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 10: Bona Dragon

I'll admit to being a little disappointed that this episode doesn't wrap every story of the season up. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, so I guess I shouldn't have expected The War Of The Houses to begin and end in an hour. But still, we have VERY LITTLE to hang our crowns on at the end of this. Except for DANY, NAKED QUEEN OF THE DRAGONS. But we'll get to that.

Ned Stark is dead, and we watch members of his family react. And it is ROUGH. Rob Stark hacking up that tree? OH MAN. I felt EMOTIONS. Cat Stark works out her grief in a similar way, only sub a sword for a rock and a tree for Jamie Lannister's face. So that one is a little less distressing and a little more SUPER SATISFYING. If Ned Stark had to die for Jamie Lannister to get rock-punched in the face, maybe it wasn't in vain. In Winterfell, Bonus Jonas and his new friend My Fair Lady walk around the Stark Family Crypt (my new speed-metal band) imagining how it would feel to have Ned's remains down there. Then that pregoth ghostkid Rickon shows up again. Ugh. Get the fuck out of here, Rickon! Nobody likes you! Then there's something about both weird sons dreaming about Ned's death a priori, like they both have the Shining or some shit, but we see a few minutes later that they're wrong to imagine Ned's remains in the crypt anyway. Ladyboy Lannister is keeping them in his decapitated head garden!

But we're on the upswing after that. The Northern Army declares Rob Stark their King, in a god damn stirring O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN of a scene. Aaron Sorkin fucking WISHES he could still muster this shit. ROB STARK FOR AMERICA. Or Westeros, or whatever.

Meanwhile, Tyrion's daddy issues take one step back and one step forward—Tywin tells him to head to King's Landing, where he will serve as Interim Hand Of The King during the war. That's rad for both Tyrion and Ladyboy. I'd rather have my Doubleuncle serve as my Hand than my Doublegramps. (Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous of how easy the Lannisters have it around the holidays? Your in-laws ARE your parents! One stop shop!) But Daddy's order comes with the caveat that Tyrion can't bring his new ladyfriend Lisbeth Salander. Not that Tyrion follows that rule. PETER PARKER BALLER SHIT!

Meanwhile, as predicted, the Witch Doctor's patented horseblood serum doesn't do much for Khal Drago. Most of the Dothraki regroup and bail, and Dany ends up smothering her lover/vegetable with a pillow. YIKES! Back in King's Landing, that old dude fucks the redhead chick, who's clearly the most in-demand pussy in all of Westeros. When does she get time to sleep? I mean other than during rambling history lessons from her johns?

Lil Katniss gets a haircut and a lesson in the fluidity of gender from that Elliott Smith-looking motherfucker who shielded her from her father's execution last time, and then she finds herself joining a Boys' Camp with all the misfit toys in town. Shit looks grim at first, but then Chris from Skins befriends her. AWESOME! I am psyched about this development.

Dany erects a funeral pyre for Drago, and at what WE THINK is the height of her badassery, cruelly straps the Witch Doctor to it, thwarting her plans to bring the patented horseblood serum to another town of unsuspecting rubes. Auto-da-fé? More like Auto-da-FUCKING BALLER am I right? And then Dany herself walks right into the flames, dragon eggs in tow. Last Of The Mohicans thinks she's dead, but guess what? SHE'S NOT.

AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, time for season 2!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 4: Talkin' 'Bout Generation

If the last episode was about talking, then this episode is about listening. Carcetti (OK, Lord Baelish) goes for a walk with Ned Stark and shows him all of the people hired to listen in public spaces. Some of them work for the King, some work for the Queen, some are just freelance ears, and some of them listen for free for the Huffington Post for some reason. Elsewhere Lil' Katniss repeats to her father the many tips she's gleaned from listening to Cesar Milan, The Sword Whisperer. And Brother Fucker is forced to listen to King Meatsauce banging his many paramours. He laughs a lot during sex, huh? That's weird.

Tyrion Lannister returns to Winterfell to do a favor for Bonus Jonas (and also to fuck whores); he's designed a saddle that will allow him to ride horses even though his legs don't work. Is it really just because he has a soft spot for the misfit toys of this world? Or is it guilt? Either way, up by The Wall, Jon Snow is beginning to share Tyrion's supposed soft spot. He tries to protect a new recruit to the Knights of No Sex despite the fact that his boss clearly hates the kid and his friends stupidly fear him, like diabetes and cowardice are literally contagious.

Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy talks about dragons. I guess they're all dead? That's too bad. Dragons are rad. This chick knows what I'm talking about:

Lord Baelish gives Ned Stark a few leads regarding the death of Jon Arryn (the previous Hand who was likely murdered by the Lannisters) but Ned shrugs off his recommendation to investigate conspicuously. (You should really listen to this guy, Ned. He's from Baltimore! He know the game!) He visits an armory, where he finds...Chris from Skins! YEAH CHRIS! Oh, and in THIS SHOW, he's the King's bastard son.

Back in Dothrakiville, Draco Malfoy has had enough of all the roving warrior shit. He lashes out at his sister, who has also had enough. A lot of enough-having in the Traegaradedaen family, huh?

The tournament that Ned Stark called a needless extravagance goes forward anyway, though it looks pretty low-rent. 

Oh, and guess who gets killed in a joust? A guy who was somehow related to Jon Arryn (it wasn't really explained very well)! That probably means something about the Lannisters' plot! Or maybe not!

Finally, Lady Stark is still travelling home. She stops at a tavern, and who should show up but Tyrion Lannister! ("Oh, Lady Stark! Small world, huh? Get it? SMALL!"-Tyrion Lannister) In a move that will probably prove to be catastrophically stupid, Lady Stark decides to accuse him of Attempted Murder Of A Bonus Jonas right there, in front of everybody. We'll see how this goes, but word travels a lot faster than justice. Even in Game Of Thrones town, where everything takes like five fucking weeks to get anywhere.  Just playing, I luv u Thrones!