BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 9: The Lion In Winter

Mistah Stark -- he dead.

A penny for the Old Guy.

Cat Stark visits Argus Filch in his castle--he's apparently used his Hogwarts pension to set up a household that resembles the Mexican branch of the Romney clan (Aside: David Bradley is the British Harry Dean Stanton, right? That's basically a 1:1 exchange)--and asks for the right to cross his bridge. You have to pay the troll toll, etc. (Man, in Game Of Thrones town there is basically nothing more logistically difficult than crossing bodies of water. The Dothraki can't even like, fathom it! (GET IT FATHOM LIKE DEPTH!)) He agrees, but not before getting Cat to promise to marry off her remaining eligible (meaning non-crippled) kids to his. At some point we'll need to address what a shitty negotiator Lady Stark is, but there's no time right now. Later, a Lannister scout is caught scoping their ranks and Rob Stark (look at me, getting the names right! Only took nine episodes) finally has his strategic epiphany (we'll get to that in a sec).

But there's some kind of law of physics that at least one Stark family member must be paralyzed with indecision at any given time, so up on the ice wall Jon Snow is having a crisis over whether or not he should leave the Night's Watch and join his family's fight.

Say what you will about the Lannisters, but that shit isn't even a question for them. Tyrion has returned and fully plans on helping the war effort, mostly by dispensing quips and fucking widows I assume. But Papa Lannister has other plans: the front lines. I feel you, Tyrion. One time my dad threw a football at my back to prove to me that I shouldn't be afraid of the ball. He was right, but like, dick move am I right?

Resigned to his probable demise, Tyrion chills with Bro and their new friend Lisbeth Salander and they play drinking games and watch Sandra Bullock movies all night. 

Elsewhere, Khal Drogo has the junkie lean going on while he rides his horse, and there's dissension in the Dothraki ranks that his wounds are making him unfit to lead. Rather than backtrack from her Witch Doctor-loving path, Daenerys doubles down on Magick and persuades the witch to perform a powerful revival spell, one that involves slitting a horse's throat. Seems like a solid plan, I'm sure Khal will be back on his hooves in no time. And then Dany goes into labor.

Back at the front, the Game Of Thrones producers pull a Hobbit-style copout. Tyrion gets knocked out by one of his own men and wakes up to find the battle over. Booooo! Also: Point Lannisters! 

OH BUT WAIT: it turns out they'd been expecting to encounter 20,000 men, but only 2 boxes of ziti showed up to the fight. Where were the rest of Rob's gang? Capturing Brother Fucker! OH SHIT.

But it can't all be fun and war games. Back in King's Landing, Lil' Katniss is making a semiliving as a street urchin when she hears that Ned Stark is being brought forward to confess. Here's when my heart, like Rob Stark's army, broke in two, sending a decoy division up to my throat and the rest to the bottom of my stomach. Ned piteously confesses to imaginary treason, choosing family over honor. But Ladyboy Lannister announces that there will be none of the mercy Ned was promised. Katniss is shielded by one of Ned's few remaining friends and Sansa is left to watch in horror as her father is beheaded. 

Damn. We KNEW this was going to happen--in part because all the stars aligned for it and in part because Ned was portrayed by Sean Bean and also in part because avoiding spoilers is a fool's errand in this lousy world of ours--but that doesn't mean it isn't a total drag.  

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 8: Holding Pattern

A wise man once said, "They can't all be showhorses. Otherwise, where would we get glue?" That wise man was, of course, me, on some other blog post somewhere. But it is as true today as it was in 2009 or whatever. And after the stomach-churning downward spiral at the end of the last episode, we were either going to immediately smash into the ground and explode or pull out of the nose dive and skid along the ground for a bit. This metaphor is totally still working, right? Good. This is not a very eventful episode, is what I am saying. Oh, except for the zombies.

The Stark Enterprises section of King's Landing is attacked after Ned's capture.  Sansa's nanny and Lil Katniss's sword coach stand nobly in the way of the attackers--teachers really ARE the true heroes, you guys. I bet the education budget in Westeros is pretty terrible too, though. Lil Katniss escapes (after getting her first kill on some random chubby kid) and Sansa is brought before the Queen, who has been soaking her mind-sponge in mental brine all night so as to best prepare of the BRAINWASHING (That one worked too, right? I just want to make sure someone is keeping score). Unfortunately the one thing Sansa inherited from her father was the SUPER STUBBORNNESS gene, and every time the queen keeps taking the metaphorical sword off of her neck, Sansa is like "are you sure you don't want to keep this here for a while?" Luckily King Ladyboy's peen is mightier than the sword, so Sansa is probably good.

There's a repeated refrain of characters saying "not today," underscoring the way this episode puts off the inevitable conclusion from last time. Everybody is moving around, positioning themselves, but not quite getting down to boning (so to speak--boning in this case being "killing"). Ned Stark waits in a dungeon. From Winterfell, Kevin Jonas, his mother and Not-A-Stark McTeethyface gather an army and start marching without really deciding where they're going. Tyrion Lannister and Bro have a testy run in with some angry hill people, but Tyrion talks them into joining forces. And the rest of the Lannisters just kind of rub their hands together fiendishly.

Up by the ice wall, some bodies recovered from the woods COME BACK TO FUCKING LIFE. Everybody is like SHIT SON except for Samwise Gangrene, who is a nerd and is thus prepared for this kind of thing.

The Dothraki are on the vague warpath too, and Dany is dismayed to realize that world-raping speech Drogo gave last time was pretty much literal. She stops a few rapes-in-progress and then appeals to her husband for an official policy change.

Drogo is like, "Baby, do you really expect me to teach these guys about enthusiastic consent RIGHT NOW?" and Dany offers a compromise: why not rape them AND THEN marry them? This girl is a true legislator, y'all. In the end Dany takes every surviving woman on as one of her servants--this is the episode of the sitcom where a character adopts every dog at the pound to keep them from being put down (I'm pretty sure that happened on BOTH 30 Rock and Parks & Rec this year. It's the new "two characters trapped in a elevator"). She puts one of them to work immediately, sewing up Drogo after he's cut in a fight defending the new "no rape" law. And then one branch of the Dothraki government gets together and symbolically attempts to appeal his decision 33 times in a row.

So, to recap where we are now, going into the last two episodes of this season: most of the Stark family is marching against the capitol and/or the Lannisters. Some of The Lannisters are marching on The Starks, the rest are taking over the Capitol. The Dothraki are marching on the Capitol, or like, whoever. Zombies are marching toward the ice wall. Oh, and Bonus Jonas has a creepy new ghost friend. 

Next time: all the armies, zombies and ghosts meet in a big field and decide to hug it out!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 7: Will He Ever Walk The Line?

In Game Of Thrones town, everybody is challenging everybody else's perspective. In the very first scene, Papa Lannister tells Brother Fucker to take the long view: petty honor feuds with Ned Stark are risky and pointless, and what matters is the survival and health of the Lannister name at large and over time (and if his entreaty to look beyond matters of the moment isn't clear enough, we're supposed to listen to him while he guts and skins a huge animal for several minutes). Later, Last of the Mohicans shakes up Dany's view of what it means to have a "right" to the crown like her brother used to say; that their father was king doesn't mean shit--he took it from someone else and then it was taken from him. In turn, Dany shakes up Drogo's view of the world: How could it end at the Narrow Sea when she came from beyond it? And then Jon Snow gets a lousy assignment for the Night's Watch, but Fat Buddy persuades him to see the potential in serving as servant to an influential man. Hell, we even see Carcetti teaching his prostitutes to consider the male gaze while fingering each other, to better play to their audience (in a particularly bizarre, meta moment). Everybody is adjusting their lenses, like that weird part in the opening credits. The only person who refuses to adjust is Ned Stark. 

His first opportunity to do some realpolitik bargaining comes from The Queen herself. She knows what Ned knows and offers him an out. Skip town and we'll let you live. Instead he (somewhat redundantly, probably) accuses her. She's been fucking her brother and fathering his incest babies. She had Jon Arryn killed and pushed Bonas Jonas out the window. The Queen is bracingly honest in her reply. Yes, duh, she's keeping her bloodline pure, as lots of ancient families did. It was easy: she only fucked the King when he was drunk so he wouldn't remember jizzing on her tits or in her mouth or in her butt instead of in her King-Z-Bake oven (I'm paraphrasing, but only a little). Ned: do you see that this is a lady who doesn't bluff? Do you see that caution should be fucking exercised? 

And then King Meatsauce dies while trying to get some bacon, basically. Don't hunt Wild Boar while drunk, kids! Just go to the 24 hour deli! So yeah, whoa! On his death bed, the King signs a paper putting Ned in charge until Joffrey is of age. Ned changes the document to read "my rightful heir," (KING CHRIS!) but in what is becoming a trademark Game Of Thrones move, his subtle trickery at the King's bedside is invalidated minutes later when the Queen just rips it up. I can't decide if I like that storytelling technique or not.

But before that happens the King's brother Renly, freshly shaved I am sure, propositions Ned (no homo): Strike the Lannisters now and install him as new King. Renly tells Ned that Queen Eyebrow is marshalling her forces and soon there will be nothing to be done, but Ned refuses to see it his way. This one is particularly frustrating, because putting Renly in charge at least approximates the honorable thing to do. (Plus, it'd be really progressive.) Instead it sounds like Ned is trying to contact the King's other brother because, I guess technically, the line of succession should pass the crown to him? But it is unclear how serious he even is about that; when he confronts the Queen moments later, he brings out Meatsauce's dying letter that puts him in charge (if temporarily). Ned seems to be pursuing an ideal so abstract that he's still working out what it even is.

Which is a drag. Ned seemed willing to get into the game and play a little dirty last time, issuing an order that the King himself would never have given. But faced with the prospect of going deeper inside, he blinks. A lot of times, being honorable is really just a way to take yourself out of the game.

Nobody has been lying to him about anything. Nobody HINTED that if he didn't compromise the Lannisters would have him killed--they just outright TOLD HIM so, And Carcetti, who has been the most honest of all, turns on Ned in the least shocking, least upsetting betrayal of all time. Holding a knife to his throat and taking him into custody, Carcetti reminds Ned that he told him to never trust him. And he shouldn't have trusted him--instead, he should have listened. To survive, you have to adapt. Everybody who agrees to shift their perspective (so far) is rewarded. Dany gets her trip home (it's a war party, sure, but still, for her it's basically a vacation). Jon Snow gets peace of mind about his career choices. The prostitutes get orgasms. Playing the Game Of Thrones isn't even very complicated, but Ned Stark can't hack it. So, I'm pretty sure the next episode isn't going to be much fun.

    

I haven't said specifically how much I like this show. I do. I love it. This episode was outstanding. I'm sure for some of you it has been a while since you saw it, but what did you think?

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 6: What Would I Want? Sky

Previously: Ned Stark took a spear to the knee. Hey, tell your friends about this series!


Ned Stark has one of those awful dreams you get right after you quit a job, you know the one: you're lying in bed and suddenly BOOM, the boss (and his wife) are right there, leaning over you. Except whoa, it isn't a dream!!! Ned and the King come to an understanding: both Ned's wife and the King's bro in law are acting up something fierce. The King orders Ned to order his wife to release Tyrion, and Ned asks the King permission to hunt down Brother Fucker (who fled the city like a bitch) and bring him to justice. The King says no, and Ned is like "at least admit he is a fuckwad," and the King is like "OK, deal." But Queen Eyebrow starts complaining, so the King slaps her in her (pretty, incesty) face. She tells him she's going to wear the bruise as a badge of honor, like some kind of ridiculous fifteen year old brat. Shut up, you little brat! Whoa, just realized I'm not ready to have children. 

Back in Winterfell, The Brothers Grim/Jonas aren't having any fun. Bonas Jonas tries his new saddle and gets attacked by some 99 percenters in the woods, and Kevin Jonas only gets to be Acting Mayor for like, ten seconds before the Squire is pushing him to go to war with the Lannisters. LIFE, AM I RIGHT? Anyway, how does declaring war work in GoT town? Are the Lannisters really like, a state? Or can you just pick anything to go to war with? ("I declare war on male body hair!"-Knight One Direction from last time) But Ned Stark preempts anything his son might have tried*: filling in on the Throne for a day, he hears a story about some dead fish or something that leads him to conclude that all the Lannisters should be arrested. Or something? (I may have missed a few things.)

(*That is kind of a theme by now, right? Every time you think the shit is going to hit the fan, it hits the fan from a different direction.)

But yeah, rather than go rogue on the government, Ned Stark goes rogue FROM WITHIN the government. Nicely done, man. You're totally gonna get killed, but still: nicely done. Speaking of NICELY FUCKING DONE, it turns out Tyrion doesn't need anybody's help anyway (again: same fan, different shit). He demands a trial from his captors, and when he realizes that won't work out in his favor in Oedipal Nightmare Town (This crazy bitch is John Arryn's widow? No wonder he was obsessed with other people's sons--so he didn't have to think about his own!) demands instead a trial by combat. I was like, "That's a pretty wacky suggestion!" but it turns out it's a normal part of the appeals process in Game Of Thrones town.

Tyrion's buddy, the ice wall recruiter he befriended a few episodes back (and who has just been chillin' with Tyrion ever since like a rad bro, "Hey bro, I'm getting arrested now and I guess we're going to go to some crazy sky castle? You wanna come with?" "For sure, bro.") volunteers to fight for Tyrion since, again, that is within Miranda Rights around here. "You have the right to trial by jury of your peers, or, failing that, you pick a guy and your accuser picks a guy and they fight." "You murdered someone? That is a death sentence. Unless you or one of your friends can kill ANOTHER dude, in which case you're free to go." Anyway, that happens, and Tyrion's Bro kills the other dude and throws his corpse out of the sky castle and then Tyrion and Bro are like PEACE THE FUCK OUT, LADY STARK and they bail. It's fucking legendary.

Meanwhile, Dany is really putting her heart into the Khaleesi gig. And also, incidentally, putting a horse's heart into her mouth. YIKES. Draco can't take all the adoration she's getting, and comes back to the heart-eating party with a sword and like, a real bad attitude. Way to harsh everybody's (morbid, orgiastic) mellow, man! He threatens to hurt Dany and demands a crown from her husband, and Khal Drogo grants Draco's wish. Problem is, old Drake didn't specify what TEMPERATURE he wanted the crown. Most places do medium-well as the standard, but I guess in Dothraki Town, they serve their crowns in BOILING LIQUID FORM. So yeah, Draco is dead! And I was never even totally confident what his actual name was! So long, blond jerk!

Ned Stark reads a genealogy book which details the hair colors of the men of different families and concludes that Ladyboy Lannister was not fathered by the King because he has blond hair. I know that doesn't seem particularly scientific, but Maury Povich actually uses the same system. Finally, sadly, the Squire's favorite prostitute leaves town. BOOOO(BS)! Oh well, there's always more boobs in Game Of Thones town!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 5: All The King's Bastards

Wow! Shit just got REAL. I like sitting here cracking jokes, but at the end of this last episode I was fucking STRESSED. Be careful, Ned Stark! Be careful, Carcetti! I guess this shows how non-confrontational I am, but I seriously want them to give up this investigation. Fuck John Arryn, ok? Fuck him. He's dead, guys. Walk away.