BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 10: Bona Dragon

I'll admit to being a little disappointed that this episode doesn't wrap every story of the season up. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, so I guess I shouldn't have expected The War Of The Houses to begin and end in an hour. But still, we have VERY LITTLE to hang our crowns on at the end of this. Except for DANY, NAKED QUEEN OF THE DRAGONS. But we'll get to that.

Ned Stark is dead, and we watch members of his family react. And it is ROUGH. Rob Stark hacking up that tree? OH MAN. I felt EMOTIONS. Cat Stark works out her grief in a similar way, only sub a sword for a rock and a tree for Jamie Lannister's face. So that one is a little less distressing and a little more SUPER SATISFYING. If Ned Stark had to die for Jamie Lannister to get rock-punched in the face, maybe it wasn't in vain. In Winterfell, Bonus Jonas and his new friend My Fair Lady walk around the Stark Family Crypt (my new speed-metal band) imagining how it would feel to have Ned's remains down there. Then that pregoth ghostkid Rickon shows up again. Ugh. Get the fuck out of here, Rickon! Nobody likes you! Then there's something about both weird sons dreaming about Ned's death a priori, like they both have the Shining or some shit, but we see a few minutes later that they're wrong to imagine Ned's remains in the crypt anyway. Ladyboy Lannister is keeping them in his decapitated head garden!

But we're on the upswing after that. The Northern Army declares Rob Stark their King, in a god damn stirring O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN of a scene. Aaron Sorkin fucking WISHES he could still muster this shit. ROB STARK FOR AMERICA. Or Westeros, or whatever.

Meanwhile, Tyrion's daddy issues take one step back and one step forward—Tywin tells him to head to King's Landing, where he will serve as Interim Hand Of The King during the war. That's rad for both Tyrion and Ladyboy. I'd rather have my Doubleuncle serve as my Hand than my Doublegramps. (Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous of how easy the Lannisters have it around the holidays? Your in-laws ARE your parents! One stop shop!) But Daddy's order comes with the caveat that Tyrion can't bring his new ladyfriend Lisbeth Salander. Not that Tyrion follows that rule. PETER PARKER BALLER SHIT!

Meanwhile, as predicted, the Witch Doctor's patented horseblood serum doesn't do much for Khal Drago. Most of the Dothraki regroup and bail, and Dany ends up smothering her lover/vegetable with a pillow. YIKES! Back in King's Landing, that old dude fucks the redhead chick, who's clearly the most in-demand pussy in all of Westeros. When does she get time to sleep? I mean other than during rambling history lessons from her johns?

Lil Katniss gets a haircut and a lesson in the fluidity of gender from that Elliott Smith-looking motherfucker who shielded her from her father's execution last time, and then she finds herself joining a Boys' Camp with all the misfit toys in town. Shit looks grim at first, but then Chris from Skins befriends her. AWESOME! I am psyched about this development.

Dany erects a funeral pyre for Drago, and at what WE THINK is the height of her badassery, cruelly straps the Witch Doctor to it, thwarting her plans to bring the patented horseblood serum to another town of unsuspecting rubes. Auto-da-fé? More like Auto-da-FUCKING BALLER am I right? And then Dany herself walks right into the flames, dragon eggs in tow. Last Of The Mohicans thinks she's dead, but guess what? SHE'S NOT.

AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, time for season 2!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 7: Will He Ever Walk The Line?

In Game Of Thrones town, everybody is challenging everybody else's perspective. In the very first scene, Papa Lannister tells Brother Fucker to take the long view: petty honor feuds with Ned Stark are risky and pointless, and what matters is the survival and health of the Lannister name at large and over time (and if his entreaty to look beyond matters of the moment isn't clear enough, we're supposed to listen to him while he guts and skins a huge animal for several minutes). Later, Last of the Mohicans shakes up Dany's view of what it means to have a "right" to the crown like her brother used to say; that their father was king doesn't mean shit--he took it from someone else and then it was taken from him. In turn, Dany shakes up Drogo's view of the world: How could it end at the Narrow Sea when she came from beyond it? And then Jon Snow gets a lousy assignment for the Night's Watch, but Fat Buddy persuades him to see the potential in serving as servant to an influential man. Hell, we even see Carcetti teaching his prostitutes to consider the male gaze while fingering each other, to better play to their audience (in a particularly bizarre, meta moment). Everybody is adjusting their lenses, like that weird part in the opening credits. The only person who refuses to adjust is Ned Stark. 

His first opportunity to do some realpolitik bargaining comes from The Queen herself. She knows what Ned knows and offers him an out. Skip town and we'll let you live. Instead he (somewhat redundantly, probably) accuses her. She's been fucking her brother and fathering his incest babies. She had Jon Arryn killed and pushed Bonas Jonas out the window. The Queen is bracingly honest in her reply. Yes, duh, she's keeping her bloodline pure, as lots of ancient families did. It was easy: she only fucked the King when he was drunk so he wouldn't remember jizzing on her tits or in her mouth or in her butt instead of in her King-Z-Bake oven (I'm paraphrasing, but only a little). Ned: do you see that this is a lady who doesn't bluff? Do you see that caution should be fucking exercised? 

And then King Meatsauce dies while trying to get some bacon, basically. Don't hunt Wild Boar while drunk, kids! Just go to the 24 hour deli! So yeah, whoa! On his death bed, the King signs a paper putting Ned in charge until Joffrey is of age. Ned changes the document to read "my rightful heir," (KING CHRIS!) but in what is becoming a trademark Game Of Thrones move, his subtle trickery at the King's bedside is invalidated minutes later when the Queen just rips it up. I can't decide if I like that storytelling technique or not.

But before that happens the King's brother Renly, freshly shaved I am sure, propositions Ned (no homo): Strike the Lannisters now and install him as new King. Renly tells Ned that Queen Eyebrow is marshalling her forces and soon there will be nothing to be done, but Ned refuses to see it his way. This one is particularly frustrating, because putting Renly in charge at least approximates the honorable thing to do. (Plus, it'd be really progressive.) Instead it sounds like Ned is trying to contact the King's other brother because, I guess technically, the line of succession should pass the crown to him? But it is unclear how serious he even is about that; when he confronts the Queen moments later, he brings out Meatsauce's dying letter that puts him in charge (if temporarily). Ned seems to be pursuing an ideal so abstract that he's still working out what it even is.

Which is a drag. Ned seemed willing to get into the game and play a little dirty last time, issuing an order that the King himself would never have given. But faced with the prospect of going deeper inside, he blinks. A lot of times, being honorable is really just a way to take yourself out of the game.

Nobody has been lying to him about anything. Nobody HINTED that if he didn't compromise the Lannisters would have him killed--they just outright TOLD HIM so, And Carcetti, who has been the most honest of all, turns on Ned in the least shocking, least upsetting betrayal of all time. Holding a knife to his throat and taking him into custody, Carcetti reminds Ned that he told him to never trust him. And he shouldn't have trusted him--instead, he should have listened. To survive, you have to adapt. Everybody who agrees to shift their perspective (so far) is rewarded. Dany gets her trip home (it's a war party, sure, but still, for her it's basically a vacation). Jon Snow gets peace of mind about his career choices. The prostitutes get orgasms. Playing the Game Of Thrones isn't even very complicated, but Ned Stark can't hack it. So, I'm pretty sure the next episode isn't going to be much fun.

    

I haven't said specifically how much I like this show. I do. I love it. This episode was outstanding. I'm sure for some of you it has been a while since you saw it, but what did you think?