BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E9: Tora! Tora! Tora!

Traditionally a bottle episode is one that sticks to a single location for budgetary reasons. Character X and Character Y get stuck in an elevator so the whole family can afford a trip to Disney World five episodes down the line. OK Disney is a bad example because Disney owns ABC and didn't give a damn how much it cost to send the Tanners to Disney so long as they could fill our nubile brains with insatiable desire for their product. But you get it. These days, though, we're living in an era in which TV has overtaken feature films for the title of America's primary storytelling medium (they're working on a snappier sounding title, I hear), and the new justification for Bottle Episodes is less "we need money later" and more "fuck you, deal with it." They do them to mess with our heads, usually to great effect. But never would I have imagined that Game Of Thrones, the most character-stuffed TV show since The Wire, would dare to do (what is at least technically, if not budgetarily) a bottle episode. AND YET HERE WE ARE: Stannis begins his assault on King's Landing and, AMAZINGLY, we never leave. All other stories are shelved for the entire hour, leaving Cercei, Sansa, Stannis, and Tyrion as our main players for the duration. FUCKING BALLER.

The battle nearly ends before it begins, though. Cercei is panicking and procuring some kind of poison from Maester Pycelle which we later learn she intends to use as a cyanide pill for her youngest son. It's a perfect distillation of Cercei's approach to family, right? Her idea of defending her family is finding a way to kill them first, before someone else can. Elsewhere, Tyrion is apprehensive, but on point; as Stannis rolls in, he and Bronn are prepping their firebomb attack. More confident than anyone, of course, is fucking Joffrey, who practically makes poor Sansa felate his new sword, the ridiculously named "Heart Eater." What, did one of your guards already take Scrotum Ripper? Appendix Rupturer!

So then Stannis and show up, and Tyrion gives the signal. A single empty boat floats toward Stannis's fleet. John Swanson, who we last saw sharing a warm, appreciative moment with Stannis, has a warm, appreciative moment with his son. And then Tyrion ignites a boat full of dragyn's fyre or whatever and BLOWS HIM THE FUCK UP. HOLY SHIT:

Despite the spectacular carnage wrought by Tyrion's attack, however, Stannis and his men reach the Mud Gate. Tyrion suits up, as does The Hound and, for a few minutes, Joffrey. But Cercei manages to find an excuse to get her boy out of harm's way, appalling everyone (especially, I'm sure, Heart Ripper. Would you ask the sun not to shine? Would you ask Heart Ripper not to rip hearts?). Even The Hound seems to have had enough of Joffrey, and he abruptly offers to run away with Sansa. This is one of those things that is set up in the books a lot better than the show--The Hound having something of a soft spot for Sansa and all. But anyway she refuses, because perhaps even better than the books this show has established that Sansa is a moron. Speaking of that basic bitch, she spends most of the episode with a drunk Cercei, in a chamber with most of the quality womenfolk in King's Landing. They have an extended psychological slap fight, the details of which I don't even remember, but which is compelling nonetheless.

The tide turns, and at first we think Stannis and his men are nearing victory, somehow. They don't even have any smoke monsters fighting for them! Somebody slices Tyrion's face in half, which is hella shitty to watch (but it should be noted though that much like Bran's "death" a few episodes ago, the show manages to communicate pretty clearly that Tyrion isn't dead even while indicating that he is). But the show is faking us out--or maybe it's supposed to be clear all along: The men who storm the battlefield (including, perhaps, the one who gives Tyrion what I'm sure will be an Omar Little-type scar) turn out belong to Tywin Lannister. The best scene of the episode, and maybe the entire season, involves Cercei and her son Tommen, sitting on the Iron Throne, preparing themselves for the enemies who seem to be breaking down the door. And then, when Tywin bursts in, the most confusing sense of relief EVER washed over me. I mean nobody wanted Stannis to win, I guess, right? But do I suddenly care about the Lannisters? Let's gauge what level of shit they pull next time--the last Game Of Thrones recap for the foreseeable future.

Speaking of which--I have no intention to begin anymore "Blogging The" projects--like most major brands I'm using the Presidential Election to change my whole game up. But I have been briefly discussing Homeland on my Tumblr, and you can read that here. Homeland is a god damned amazing show--probably better than Game Of Thrones, even. You should watch it if you haven't.