BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 10: Bona Dragon

I'll admit to being a little disappointed that this episode doesn't wrap every story of the season up. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, so I guess I shouldn't have expected The War Of The Houses to begin and end in an hour. But still, we have VERY LITTLE to hang our crowns on at the end of this. Except for DANY, NAKED QUEEN OF THE DRAGONS. But we'll get to that.

Ned Stark is dead, and we watch members of his family react. And it is ROUGH. Rob Stark hacking up that tree? OH MAN. I felt EMOTIONS. Cat Stark works out her grief in a similar way, only sub a sword for a rock and a tree for Jamie Lannister's face. So that one is a little less distressing and a little more SUPER SATISFYING. If Ned Stark had to die for Jamie Lannister to get rock-punched in the face, maybe it wasn't in vain. In Winterfell, Bonus Jonas and his new friend My Fair Lady walk around the Stark Family Crypt (my new speed-metal band) imagining how it would feel to have Ned's remains down there. Then that pregoth ghostkid Rickon shows up again. Ugh. Get the fuck out of here, Rickon! Nobody likes you! Then there's something about both weird sons dreaming about Ned's death a priori, like they both have the Shining or some shit, but we see a few minutes later that they're wrong to imagine Ned's remains in the crypt anyway. Ladyboy Lannister is keeping them in his decapitated head garden!

But we're on the upswing after that. The Northern Army declares Rob Stark their King, in a god damn stirring O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN of a scene. Aaron Sorkin fucking WISHES he could still muster this shit. ROB STARK FOR AMERICA. Or Westeros, or whatever.

Meanwhile, Tyrion's daddy issues take one step back and one step forward—Tywin tells him to head to King's Landing, where he will serve as Interim Hand Of The King during the war. That's rad for both Tyrion and Ladyboy. I'd rather have my Doubleuncle serve as my Hand than my Doublegramps. (Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous of how easy the Lannisters have it around the holidays? Your in-laws ARE your parents! One stop shop!) But Daddy's order comes with the caveat that Tyrion can't bring his new ladyfriend Lisbeth Salander. Not that Tyrion follows that rule. PETER PARKER BALLER SHIT!

Meanwhile, as predicted, the Witch Doctor's patented horseblood serum doesn't do much for Khal Drago. Most of the Dothraki regroup and bail, and Dany ends up smothering her lover/vegetable with a pillow. YIKES! Back in King's Landing, that old dude fucks the redhead chick, who's clearly the most in-demand pussy in all of Westeros. When does she get time to sleep? I mean other than during rambling history lessons from her johns?

Lil Katniss gets a haircut and a lesson in the fluidity of gender from that Elliott Smith-looking motherfucker who shielded her from her father's execution last time, and then she finds herself joining a Boys' Camp with all the misfit toys in town. Shit looks grim at first, but then Chris from Skins befriends her. AWESOME! I am psyched about this development.

Dany erects a funeral pyre for Drago, and at what WE THINK is the height of her badassery, cruelly straps the Witch Doctor to it, thwarting her plans to bring the patented horseblood serum to another town of unsuspecting rubes. Auto-da-fé? More like Auto-da-FUCKING BALLER am I right? And then Dany herself walks right into the flames, dragon eggs in tow. Last Of The Mohicans thinks she's dead, but guess what? SHE'S NOT.

AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, time for season 2!

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, ep. 1: O Brother Why Art Thou?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good fortune must be fucking his sister. No, that’s a terrible way to start. Call me Ishmael Stark. First lines are tricky. A screaming comes across the sky. Daenerys, light of my life, fire of my loins! Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own vaguely incestual way. For a long time, I went to bed with my sister early. Anyway, this is Blogging Game Of Thrones, a series in which we will watch and discuss the popular HBO fantasy series. I’m your host, Zac Little, and my stance toward incest is that I’m against it!

So at the top of the Risk board on which this show takes place (I’m taking the title sequence literally, as one always should) is a wall of ice. And in the opening scene, we learn that behind that wall of ice are the Predator alien and the girl from The Ring. They make short work of two of the slack-jawed knight-yokels (seriously, what a bunch of derp faces!) that manage to find them, but a third (somehow) escapes. He runs back to the kingdom to warn everyone, and is promptly beheaded as a deserter. MADNESS? THIS IS GAME OF THRONES!

For most of the rest of this introductory episode, we’re jumping around the kingdom meeting people and gauging the relationships between them. At first everybody seems nice, and like they care about each other! The King is a cheerful dude! Lots of people seem to be getting laid! But as it turns out, things are afoot. Such as intrigue!

But yeah, let me introduce some folks to you. (This is important! I mean, if you don’t know whose brother normally fucks whose sister, you’ll be totally lost when they change the game up).

Ned Stark (Sean Bean) is just trying to be a good dude. He runs Winterfell (which I imagine is some kind of Santa’s Village-type amusement park in the snowy months. That’s why everyone seems to be looking forward to winter, right?) with a tough but caring hand. He imparts stern, gory wisdom on his sons (three normals and a real moody bastard son. Why so moody, bastard?), but also lets them have dire wolves as pets (So cool!). He's a good friend to the King. He even humors his wife when she seems to think she has a say in his career decisions! (Game Of Thrones Town is not a good one for women’s rights. It’s only marginally better than South Dakota over there.) I like him. But yeah, fate comes a-calling to take him away from his home. I’m sorry, I meant “fat” comes a-calling. The King is on the chubby side, get it? And Ned Stark finds himself drafted as His new “hand.” He doesn’t have to do EVERYTHING the King’s hand does, does he?

Again, the King seems like a decent guy, and I guess his first wife and true love was Ned Stark’s sister. But she died, and with true love out of the way the King got himself some crazypussy. What up, Lannisters?

Elsewhere, Daenerys Targaryen (really looking forward to typing these names a lot!) and her brother Draco seem to be exiled from the kingdom. So they entertain themselves by getting naked in front of each other. Beats Monopoly!

Nah, but Draco’s talking a lot of smack about getting his rightful throne and has decided the best way to do that is to marry his sister off to a gang of barbarians. You can’t buy class, but you can buy yourself an army of Dothraki! (They’re basically like the graduating class of Durmstrang.) Draco has the best line of the episode, when he earnestly tells his sister that he’d let the entire Dothraki army fuck her, “all 40,000 men and their horses,” if that is what it took to regain power from the current King. Points for honesty, and imagination!

Daenerys isn’t so pumped about her potentially horse-cock-filled future, but what can you do? When she tries to say that she’s not just a pair of tits, everybody’s like “Hahaha good one. Now get your tits out.”

There’s a charming ceremony that (probably?) makes an honest woman out of her and (probably?) makes her brother a general, and at the end of the episode we see her getting fucked by her new hubby, Goro from Mortal Kombat, on top of a pile of rocks. Ah, newlyweds!

Back in Winterfell, Ned readies himself to go to work for the King despite knowledge that the Lannisters may be out to kill him. And when Bonus Jonas stumbles upon Queen Eyebrows getting banged by her brother, Bonus Jonas gets himself shoved out a window. NOOOOO BONUS JONAS!

So yeah. Boobs, blood, and child murder. This show has everything! Thoughts?