Top Ten Movies Of The Year

OK, fine! I guess I better get my top ten list out now too, since everybody else already did it. Of course, established critics have had the luxury of seeing the five or six great-looking movies all being released on Christmas weekend, and I haven't. Producers release the big Winter movies as late as possible every year, but this time it feels especially excessive, right? Like, how am I going to find the time to see Les Miserables, This Is Forty, Zero Dark Thirty, and Django Unchained before they all drop out of theaters? Especially since they're all going to cancel each other out and bomb? After all, that's what happened last year, the major casualty being David Fincher's The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, a damn fine movie that never got its due at the box office or anywhere else due to an over-stuffed December calendar. It was an awards-bating gambit that failed, and yet it's happening all over again in 2012. So I'm taking a bit of a populist stand: The films mentioned above will be eligible for next year's list, since that is when most people will see them. Will they actually make it on? Eh, I'll probably forget. I have the memory of an Academy voter.

My honorable mention votes this year go to Prometheus, which was gorgeous, pulpy, and squirm-inducing beyond belief but also completely and utterly brainless, and also to The Amazing Spider-Man, which crackled with chemistry but seemed chopped to pieces in some kind of 11th hour editing overhaul.

10. Lawless

It's pretty weird that this movie came out in 2012 and not like, 1997. It feels like a throwback, like Kevin Costner must be involved somehow, you know? But it was not unwelcome! Lawless manages to both make you want to study prohibition AND listen to The Velvet Underground, and that obviously makes no sense until you learn that it was scripted by Nick Cave. It also features a weird vocal performance by Tom Hardy, one that is actually successful, as well as Jessica Chastain looking mysterious and getting naked. Need I really say more?

9. Skyfall

You honestly can't complain about this movie being a Christopher Nolan knockoff, because this year, Sam Mendes managed to out-Nolan Nolan. Which is why this movie is on my top ten and Batman isn't. I found this movie far more enjoyable, far more visually awe-inspiring (interesting to see that Nolan's DP Wally Pfister went out of his way to talk shit about The Avengers while Roger Deakins was quietly kicking his ass over here), and also just as emotionally resonant as The Dark Knight Rises. To be fair to Tom Hardy: Javier Bardem's Silva is partly a more entertaining villain because you can see his face and his voice isn't 4x the volume of the rest of the movie. To be fair to Christian Bale: he's aging weirdly, and Daniel Craig isn't. But even allowing for those handicaps, and despite the awkward Heineken tie-ins, Skyfall was a hugely entertaining, epic-feeling movie, and TDKR was just kind of a slog.

8. Looper

My second-favorite Bruce Willis movie this year was directed by my second-favorite new director, Rian Johnson. It's a wonderfully stylish little thing containing both what is probably the coolest decades-compressing montage of all time and what is certainly the most existentially horrific torture scene of all time. It has a fantastically decisive ending and is also fantastically dismissive of the need for overly cohesive time-travel logic. GET OVER IT, NERDS.

7. The Master

This movie and Skyfall are like two sides of a coin. For every way in which Skyfall is watchable and enjoyable, this movie is taxing and frustrating. The common ground is that both films are jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Neither rivals The Tree Of Life, but their combined impact certainly rivals that movie. And anyway who says a movie has to be "watchable"? Why can't a movie be an ordeal? OK, well, there are lots of good reasons why a movie shouldn't be an ordeal. But I liked this one anyway.

6. Silver Linings Playbook

For about the first hour, and maybe more, I was pissed at this movie. It's basically just a bunch of people yelling at each other, and it only holds your interest as much as it has to. You're as irritated and bored as you are compelled. And then, I don't know. Something happens. You fall in love with it.

5. Lincoln

This is another one that's just people yelling at each other in rooms, but with zero irritation and 100% rapturous interest from the audience (ok, from me anyway). I actually heard people complain about the star-studded nature of this movie--a familiar face every time the camera turns a corner--but, you know, these people are famous actors for a reason. And letting them yell at each other in a room for a while? With all that rich, old-timey dialog? My god, it's a thing of beauty.

4. Argo

My first favorite new director nailed it AGAIN. Affleck Hat Trick! This movie is unbearably tense and hysterically funny. It's all the more remarkable when you realize that it's funny despite being an historical drama and tense despite mostly being a movie about standing in lines and trying not to draw attention to yourself. Alan Arkin and John Goodman stand shoulder to shoulder with Tommy Lee Jones, James Spader and Bruce Willis this year in proving that our best work is almost never behind us. Is that a little sentimental and cloying? So was some of Argo and Lincoln! And I loved it! Argo fuck yourself, Bret Easton Ellis!

3. The Avengers

A bright, shiny oasis in a sea of superhero grit. This movie was so much fun! And what's crazy is Joss Whedon initially shot this dark frame story, in which Robin Scherbatsky bitterly recounted the tale of how The Avengers almost destroyed New York or whatever (folks who complained about too much 9/11 gladhanding as it was would have had an aneurism). Lucky that he blinked! I loved this movie; even the shaky first half hour beats most of the movies that led to it (looking at you, with your silly dutch angles, Thor! And you, with your nonsensical montages, Captain America! I love both those characters and their portrayals, though). And that epic battle scene at the end was so good that I completely forgive it for being a complete and utter ripoff of Transformers 3 (though for superior. But STILL).

2. The Cabin In The Woods

Far and away the most fun I had at the theater this year, and very nearly my choice for number 1. My friends and I were cackling with glee from the title card onward. Don't look up anything about this movie if you haven't seen it yet. Just see it.

1. Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom is everything Wes Anderson does best, and with one of his strongest casts yet. (The opposite of this movie, along those lines, is probably The Darjeeling LTD. And yet I love that one too. Sorry, haters!) Shoutout to Bruce Willis and Edward Norton and shoutout to Baby Lana Del Rey and Baby Joe Mande. It's wonderfully crafted and as usual, a lovely brightly painted box in the form of a movie. It also really makes you want to go walking in the New England woods. There are things I would change about every movie on this list, except for this one.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E10: Theraflu

God damn, guys. This is such a good show. I've been having an affair with Homeland over on my Tumblr, but now I'm having my tearful reconciliation with my old love. "Valar Morghulis" is so baller, especially the scene from which it takes its name, in which Murder Genie tries to recruit Arya for his team of invincible superkillers. Arya's not finished doing her whole Kill Bill thing though, so he takes his leave. But not before transforming into a whole other dude like it's nothing. WHOA. Murder Genie is the greatest, and I'm sad to see him depart. God go with you, Jaqen H'ghar. Hopefully Arya isn't finished with you yet.

So OK, is every season going to end with Dany righteously murdering a few people? I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but clearly this is a trend. Our girl goes to the House Of The Undying, the architect of which is apparently Zack Snyder, and has a wonderful, tender, hallucinatory (probably) visit with Khal Drogo. It's very Six Feet Under. Remember when Claire catches up with Gabe's ghost in the cemetery?  It's on that level. But next thing we know, she's chained up, and Cancer Moby is running his mouth. No matter how you feel about Dany's uneven and occasionally nonsensical plot this season, I KNOW you were psyched when her dragons up and BURNED that motherfucker down. YES! Then Dany and Last of The Mohicans find out that General Ducksauce was lying about his riches, and there's probably some kind of lesson to be learned about the illusory intersection of money and power (shout out to Karl Rove, running scared right now), but what really matters here is that Dany locks him AND her hot servant in an empty vault and leaves them to slowly die. I didn't know a lady so comfortable with fire could also be so COLD, yo.

Speaking of cold, up beyond the wall, Jon Snow's fellow Watchman manages to goad Jon into killing him, which--as was pretty clearly foreshadowed (I mean, not even. Motherfucker said this whole plot point aloud two episodes ago)--allowed him to infiltrate the Wildling army. It'd be so rad if Sam Tarly was actually a mole for the Wildlings too, and then next season they played out some Departed-type shit. But I'm pretty sure Sam is dead, right? More on that in a sec.

Robb marries the Slutty Nurse, and that's pretty much all that happens with him. Lisbeth visits Tyrion, who has a big scar down his face and--adding insult to (admittedly baller) injury--has been stripped of all power now that Tywin is in town. She wants to skip town, tramps like us were born to run etc., but Tyrion maintains that his place is among the players of The Game. He sounds like a man accepting a death sentence, but more likely he's spelling trouble for his woman. Elsewhere, Lady Knight and Jamie Lannister are having Huck Finn-like adventures on their journey back to King's Landing, and that's sort of fun but again, that's as far as it goes. In the capital, Joffrey ceremoniously dumps Sansa in favor of Renly's ex. Sansa seems kind of pumped, but now I'm worried about her long term chances or survival.

Speaking of people with no long-term chance, Theon's own men attack him and bail on Winterfell, but not before mortally wounding Maester Luwin, which absolutely shattered my heart. I love that dude so much that when I recently re-watched David Fincher's Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, his scenes (the actor who plays him, not Maester Luwin himself, obvi) were the most compelling. OK, that's an exaggeration because Rooney Mara is THE BEST, but still. Maester Luwin! RIP. So is Theon dead or what? That is left irritatingly as an open question.

Stannis has a scene too, the purpose of which is mostly to show us that he is still alive. OK! Good for you, buddy. Way to not leave it all on the field. Which leads us to the final scene of the episode. 

Out beyond the wall, Sam and two other dudes are farting around per usual, when they hear three horn blasts. That, of course, is the official Night's Watch signal for HOLY SHIT SOMETHING INSANE IS GOING DOWN. The other, skinnier dudes run for the hills, and Sam takes refuge, cartoon-like, behind a rock. At which point his is surrounded by an ARMY OF ICE ZOMBIES ON THE MARCH FOR WESTEROS. Next season is going to be almost TOO GNARLY. We'll have to wait until March, though. JK I'm about to go read like ALL OF THESE BOOKS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Peace out, bitches.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E9: Tora! Tora! Tora!

Traditionally a bottle episode is one that sticks to a single location for budgetary reasons. Character X and Character Y get stuck in an elevator so the whole family can afford a trip to Disney World five episodes down the line. OK Disney is a bad example because Disney owns ABC and didn't give a damn how much it cost to send the Tanners to Disney so long as they could fill our nubile brains with insatiable desire for their product. But you get it. These days, though, we're living in an era in which TV has overtaken feature films for the title of America's primary storytelling medium (they're working on a snappier sounding title, I hear), and the new justification for Bottle Episodes is less "we need money later" and more "fuck you, deal with it." They do them to mess with our heads, usually to great effect. But never would I have imagined that Game Of Thrones, the most character-stuffed TV show since The Wire, would dare to do (what is at least technically, if not budgetarily) a bottle episode. AND YET HERE WE ARE: Stannis begins his assault on King's Landing and, AMAZINGLY, we never leave. All other stories are shelved for the entire hour, leaving Cercei, Sansa, Stannis, and Tyrion as our main players for the duration. FUCKING BALLER.

The battle nearly ends before it begins, though. Cercei is panicking and procuring some kind of poison from Maester Pycelle which we later learn she intends to use as a cyanide pill for her youngest son. It's a perfect distillation of Cercei's approach to family, right? Her idea of defending her family is finding a way to kill them first, before someone else can. Elsewhere, Tyrion is apprehensive, but on point; as Stannis rolls in, he and Bronn are prepping their firebomb attack. More confident than anyone, of course, is fucking Joffrey, who practically makes poor Sansa felate his new sword, the ridiculously named "Heart Eater." What, did one of your guards already take Scrotum Ripper? Appendix Rupturer!

So then Stannis and show up, and Tyrion gives the signal. A single empty boat floats toward Stannis's fleet. John Swanson, who we last saw sharing a warm, appreciative moment with Stannis, has a warm, appreciative moment with his son. And then Tyrion ignites a boat full of dragyn's fyre or whatever and BLOWS HIM THE FUCK UP. HOLY SHIT:

Despite the spectacular carnage wrought by Tyrion's attack, however, Stannis and his men reach the Mud Gate. Tyrion suits up, as does The Hound and, for a few minutes, Joffrey. But Cercei manages to find an excuse to get her boy out of harm's way, appalling everyone (especially, I'm sure, Heart Ripper. Would you ask the sun not to shine? Would you ask Heart Ripper not to rip hearts?). Even The Hound seems to have had enough of Joffrey, and he abruptly offers to run away with Sansa. This is one of those things that is set up in the books a lot better than the show--The Hound having something of a soft spot for Sansa and all. But anyway she refuses, because perhaps even better than the books this show has established that Sansa is a moron. Speaking of that basic bitch, she spends most of the episode with a drunk Cercei, in a chamber with most of the quality womenfolk in King's Landing. They have an extended psychological slap fight, the details of which I don't even remember, but which is compelling nonetheless.

The tide turns, and at first we think Stannis and his men are nearing victory, somehow. They don't even have any smoke monsters fighting for them! Somebody slices Tyrion's face in half, which is hella shitty to watch (but it should be noted though that much like Bran's "death" a few episodes ago, the show manages to communicate pretty clearly that Tyrion isn't dead even while indicating that he is). But the show is faking us out--or maybe it's supposed to be clear all along: The men who storm the battlefield (including, perhaps, the one who gives Tyrion what I'm sure will be an Omar Little-type scar) turn out belong to Tywin Lannister. The best scene of the episode, and maybe the entire season, involves Cercei and her son Tommen, sitting on the Iron Throne, preparing themselves for the enemies who seem to be breaking down the door. And then, when Tywin bursts in, the most confusing sense of relief EVER washed over me. I mean nobody wanted Stannis to win, I guess, right? But do I suddenly care about the Lannisters? Let's gauge what level of shit they pull next time--the last Game Of Thrones recap for the foreseeable future.

Speaking of which--I have no intention to begin anymore "Blogging The" projects--like most major brands I'm using the Presidential Election to change my whole game up. But I have been briefly discussing Homeland on my Tumblr, and you can read that here. Homeland is a god damned amazing show--probably better than Game Of Thrones, even. You should watch it if you haven't.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES S2E8: Throw Momma From The Train

So have I mentioned yet that you should totally read the Song Of Ice And Fire books? You should. I only just finished book 1, because I'm always screencapping TV shows instead of reading books or participating in culture in any meaningful way, but I very much enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to the next however-many. Even though it unfolds in almost exactly the same way as the show, jumping from character to character at usually the exact same moments (you'd think the show would be inclined to cut around more). There's more Ned and Jon and less Rob and Theon, that's about the biggest difference. And Dany's motivations are clearer, sort of (she has some important dreams).

Anyway I meant to fold episode 8 into my recap of 7, but I forgot. Which is too bad, because basically nothing happens in this one. And now I don't want to attach it to episode 9, because that one is AWESOME and I don't want to drag the recap down with the repetitive dead weight of this one. I mean, I know you need a little calm before the storm, but this episode for real felt like "We only have nine episodes of story and HBO wants ten in the can." FOR INSTANCE: Last time, Dany was invited to The House Of The Undying. In this episode: she tries to decide if she should go to The House Of The Undying. That's it! The same thing happens with Tyrion, who is still fretting about Stannis's approaching army, and Jon Snow, who is still captive among the Wildlings. They've got his former commander too, who starts whispering to Jon to be the Leo to his Martin Sheen in The Departed. Emphasis back there on "starts" talking about it, because the idea doesn't come to fruition until episode ten, when this dude and Jon go full-on Dumbledore/Snape. And just generally, characters all over the map seem to be repeating sentiments they've been making clear all season long--you could almost start watching the show here and be able to keep up.

Treading water is one thing, but going backwards is even more frustrating. And in this episode Cercei is immediately returned her evil self, attempting to kidnap Tyrion's lady to hold as ransom (because Tyrion refuses to talk Joffrey out of fighting in the battle). It's got a kind of funny twist though: Cercei captured the wrong ho (it's kind of a funny joke about Cercei's inability to relate to other women. They all look the same to her)! Tyrion manages not to show his hand and rushes back to Lisbeth Salander in his chambers. They have a very touching moment together--and I don't even mean a sex scene, for once! It's totally sweet. Those two are doomed.

The biggest and best step forward in this episode involves Arya and (who else?) Murder Genie. Tywin hits the road, so Arya starts looking for an exit. When Murder Genie asks for a name, she gives him his own. Bound by his own very strange moral system, Murder Genie begs her to unname him. She does, in exchange for a promise to help her and Gendry escape Alcatraz. True to his word, Murder Genie kills all the guards and leaves them propped up by their posts (your basic Weekend At Bernie's), and Arya, Gendry and their friend Augustus Gloop walk right out the front gate.

The second biggest move in this episode comes when Robb finds out Cat released Jamie Lannister. Furious with her, he puts her under tent arrest and promptly fucks the shit out of the slutty nurse, seemingly dismissing the arranged marriage his mother signed him up for last season. That seems entirely reasonable, and I'll kind of be pissed if it comes back to bite Robb. When Filch hears he'll just be like, "Yeah, four arranged marriages was probably an extravagant toll." But seeing the nurses's butt is pretty small reward for the extravagant toll that is this episode. Even the final twist, that Bran et al. are still alive, is too obvious to be particularly cathartic. I can't believe this took an hour! Nothing happened! But all will be forgiven next week.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E7: Your Honor, You're On Her

Episode 7 is called "A Man Without Honor," and while Game Of Thrones has plenty of those, today we're chiefly concerned with Theon Greyjoy and Jamie Lannister, two dudes majorly lacking in that department. So, OK, let's consider for a sec the kind of Shakespearean balancing act this series pulls off when it comes to the merits of honor: Being an honorable man is obviously an objective good like, always. But Ned Stark was an honorable man, and look where that shit got him. Killed! And yet, other, less honorable, folk have been able to effect a lot more positive change since his death. (When they weigh Tyrion Lannister in the balance, he won't be found wanting, you know? And that's not a joke about his size.)

This week we have Theon and Jamie both pulling some major dick moves. But oddly, while Theon's lack of honor distances us from him, Jamie's dick moves are so clever and compelling (and ballsy) that I find myself endeared to him. Dude brutally kills one of his cousins, and yet I was somehow rooting for him. How'd he do that?

It might be because his chief antagonist is Cat Stark, and reading the original book A Game Of Thrones, as I am doing right now, has completely turned me against her. When you have a little more insight into her motivations and thoughts, she comes across as totally self-centered and weirdly unloving, right (or am I the only one this happened to)? Seeing Tyrion and Jon where they are now in the show and reading her shitty treatment of them earlier in the book especially stacks the deck against her. Reading the books and catching up with what you've already seen on the show while still FINISHING the show is kind of problematic, but what can you do? We're here now. This is happening. Winter is coming.

It might also just be that the show seems to be softening toward the non-Tyrion Lannisters anyway. We see a different side of Queen Eyebrow this week, after Sansa has her period for the first time (and after she and Lisbeth Salander fail to hide it from her handlers--she can theoretically bear Ladyboy's children/hooved beasts now, after all). Cercei levels with Sansa: everything about being married off and being forced to have children sucks, except for the children. You will love your kids, and you can try to love your husband, she says. Sansa is either too dumb or too scared to engage with Cercei on a human level, which feels like a smart move right now. But it won't later. Sansa has another weird scene with The Hound, who rather stiffly articulates his raison d'etre. I can't figure out if it's the writing or the acting that is bad here, but it is at least one of them. "Killing is real good," The Hound says, (basically). "I like killing and I don't like things that are not killing." Sansa is like, cool story bro, and we're like NEXT SCENE PLEASE BRO.

Over the wall and through the woods, Jon is still hanging out with the Wildling, and she basically talks about his dick for an entire episode. I'm not even kidding. She notices his erection while they're sleeping (totally natural, Jon! Don't beat yourself off about it!) and proceeds to make an in-depth inquiry into Jon Snow's jerk off schedule (my new band name). And I think maybe loudly talking about dicks is how the Snow Hoboes communicate, because after a while they're set upon by a troop of her compatriots. It makes perfect sense to me that in Game Of Thrones town, you get punished for being a prude. I sort of feel like Jon will figure his way out of being captured, though. His wolf will just show up and eat someone's face and we'll be good.

In fact, it's hard to feel like anybody is particularly threatened at this point in the series. At the end of this episode, something shocking and horrible happens, but I when I watched it I was 90% sure it was a fake-out and I was right. The only thing I'm stressed about is the same thing Tyrion is stressed about: Stannis's forthcoming invasion of King's Landing. (Of course, Tyrion is worried about The Realm, and I'm only worried about Tyrion.) Several times in this episode we see him trying to formulate a plan, but his brain trust only consists of Baldy McNodick and Bro(nn). How fucked is King's Landing that these three dudes seem to be the only ones who care? It's fun to be a fly on the wall of their war room, though, except for a weird beat where Tyrion seems to rather happily endorse the use of the artificial fire that so appalled him a few episodes ago. In later episodes, we'll see him treating the weapons with more gravity again, which makes his temporary giddiness feel all the more like a strange lapse in writing consistency.

SPEAKING OF STRANGE LAPSES IN WRITING CONSISTENCY: DANY. Still in Qarth, the Mother of Dragons is suddenly back to doubting her claim to the throne and all that jazz. I mean, sure, sister was just dealt a pretty major blow to her self esteem when her dragons got kidnapped, but now her obsession with birthright seems even more like a 24 hour flu.* She joins Ducksauce Warbucks at a meeting of The Thirteen, who are essentially the Qarth city council. Or, they were. Because Ducksauce and his bald sorcerer friend Cancer Moby kill all of them and take over. For some reason! Ducksauce was in cahoots with Cancer Moby all along, see, and it turns out they're holding Dany's dragons in some kind of haunted house. SURE, OK! I'm just going to warn you right now: this is going to resolve in a satisfying way, but not one that makes any sense at all. Be ready to be cool with that.

(*Dany seems to literally repeat lines from episodes just after Draco was killed, which is the beginning of a larger, unfortunate trend in the last few episodes: irritatingly repetitive dialog. Characters re-articulate the themes of their respective arcs multiple times, like just in case you missed them the first time around. It's very weird for a show that normally extends A TON of credit to its audience.)

But for all the stuff the writers seem to be doing wrong lately, they're getting one thing right, and that is the evolution of Cercei as something more than a super-evil cunt. In the second-most compelling scene of this episode, she finally expresses doubt about her incestual activities and about her crazy-ass son the King. Shockingly, she spills her guts to Tyrion, who seems as surprised as we are. He tries, and fails, to comfort her while she cries by noting that two out of three of her incest babies don't seem insane at all. "You beat the odds," he says. Yeah, but, like, you really didn't have to buy that scratch ticket, girl.

Finally: the aforementioned dick moves (and no, I'm not talking about Jon Snow's twitchy boner). Jamie Lannister (this is the first most compelling scene, by the way) murders his cellmate and then a guard who checks on him, which ignites a wave of rage among the men in the Stark camp. Cat can't control it, and Robb is away negotiating a treaty with some dude. It becomes clear that Jamie Lannister is gambling his own life against Cat Stark's mercy (and nagging worry that, if Jamie dies, one of her kids will get got in retaliation). And it works: rather than see him killed by her own men, Cat sets Jamie free. Wow, this woman is REALLY TERRIBLE at keeping Lannisters captive! 0-2, Cat! Back up north, Theon calls the townspeople of Winterfell together to show them what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps: he's got two charred bodies that he claims are Bonus Jonas and Rickon the friendly ghost baby. For a moment, it is horrifying. And Maester Luwin's anguished cry when he sees the bodies cut through me like Valyrian steel. But wait: where are My Fair Lady and Hodor? Clearly this is a ruse, and Theon simply murdered some other kids. Move along, people. Nothing to see here. I mean, except for the murder of innocent children, but that's pretty par for the course at this point.

BLOGGING GAME OF THRONES, S2E6: The Muppet Takes Manhattan

Theon Greyjoy calls an audible and marches on Winterfell instead of following his father's orders to, like, just sail around and punch a few people. And he succeeds, in what has to be the most mumblecore takeover ever recorded in (ok, fake) history. Like, he shows up at Bran's bedside and just says, "Hey, can you like, um, yield Winterfell to me?" And Bran is like "Nah." Theon is like, "Man, c'mon, like, don't you see that this is important, and maybe even significant for me?" And Bran is just like, "Whatever." It's straight Duplass brothers--except for the part where Theon (reluctantly) chops off a dude's head.

On Alcatraz, Arya gives us not one but TWO nervewracking set pieces (Girl really carries her weight in an otherwise kind of uneventful episode). 1. Littlefinger visits Tywin Lannister, and thus Arya has to shuck and jive around the shadows so Littlefinger won't ID her while she pours the drinks. It's so tense that I literally couldn't pay attention to anything the two guys were discussing, so I hope it wasn't important. I also can't even remember if Littlefinger saw her, in the end. Shit was THAT stressful! But motherfucker's going to play it so close to the vest anyway that it doesn't even matter if he saw her or not. 2. Later, or maybe it was before, Arya gets caught by some jabroni with a piece of paper she stole from Tywin's room (presumably to covertly send to Robb). She runs desperately for Murder Genie, who shrugs and pulls off another murder in like 30 seconds, just before Tywin's man gets a chance to tattle. It's one of the best, biggest laughs of the series so far. WHOA, IS MURDER GENIE EDGING OUT TYRION AS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER?

No, probably not. In King's Landing, there's word of food shortages. Cercei is all "let them eat cake" and Tyrion is like "seriously, bitch, this is legit." Like a lot of rich folks, Cercei Lannister is only good at shit on her level--see also Mitt Romney's Ohio woes. Then a a funny thing happens on the way to the forum: the cityfolk rise up against King Ladyboy in the streets. He screams for them to be killed, some random priest gets ripped up zombie-movie style, and Sansa nearly ends up gang-raped. Tyrion erupts at Joffrey in righteous fury, slapping him and screaming for him to see JUST how much of a fuckwad he is. It's very baller (even though it probably won't work).

You know what isn't baller, though? What ever is happening to Dany. We saw just a hint of it last time, but today homegirl is POWERMAD like whoa. She's looking for ships and talking about her birthright just like Draco used to do. What happened to just being happy to be a chill Khaleesi and Dragondoula, Dany? It's such a sharp change for her that even other characters seem taken aback. Plus, it ends up feeling like just a cheap way to make Dany deserve some kind of comeuppance, because guess what happens at the end of the episode? Somebody steals her dragons! Oh shit! See what sudden-onset hubris will get you, girl?

Jon and Robb, meanwhile, are having lady troubles. Robb tracks down the slutty nurse from a few episodes ago and is making his move when Cat Stark returns to camp and reminds him that he is betrothed. (Remember how she sold away his hand in marriage to use a bridge?) COCKBLOCKED!

Way up north, the Night's Watch: Special Task Force comes upon a party of Wildlings and kills them. Except one, who turns out to be a cute girl. Jon tells his boss that he'll do the deed, and the rest of them are like, "OK, we're going to hike ahead of you, catch you in a bit?" Dudes, why do that? Unless they think he's going to fuck her before (or maybe after?) decapitation and they want to give him some privacy. Whatever the reason, she gets away. ICEBLOCKED!

Jon chases her and apparently the rest of the NW: STF doesn't think it is important to stop and wait for him or check and see how things are going when he doesn't return for HOURS, so when Jon finally snags her they end up cuddling for warmth as night falls. And even though she's tied up and probably going to die by his hand, girl dry humps him a few times just for kicks. Wildling is right. Get it, girl.

Finally, My Fair Lady shows up to seduce Lord Theon. She's like, "I do what I have to do to get by in the world," and Theon is like "SCHWING!!!" But once she's fucked him into unconsciousness she, Hodor, Bran, and Creepy Ghost Brother escape Winterfell. Boom!

Saddle up for the next few episodes guys, because I'm watching them now and shouting and yelling and generally upsetting my wife while she draws. Shit gets hardcore.